Christian Living

WHEN NOT TO FORGIVE

by GLENN PEASE
01/26/22
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A paradox simply says that something that is true may have an opposite that is also true. How can opposites both be true? This arises because of the different perspectives of life. People can see things differently, and different circumstances determine that something that is usually true is in these particular circumstances not true. This is the case with forgiveness. It is almost always true that we are to be forgiving people. The Scriptures are abundant that make this obvious. Just to list a few make it clear that it is a major obligation of the believer to be forgiving just as God is forgiving.

Matthew 6:12b “…forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.”

Matt. 6:14-15, "14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

Colossians 3:13 “…bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”

It is a universal truth among all Christians that we are to be a forgiving people, but most do not study the other side of the issue and see that there are situations where we are not to be forgiving, and this too is in imitation of God.

Matt. 6:15 makes forgiveness a clear obligation. “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” In other words, if you are not forgiving, you will not be forgiven.

God will not be forgiving of a stubborn Christian who refuses to be forgiving. We too, then, are not to be forgiving of a believer who persists in holding a grudge against another believer. They need to work it out or you will have the hatfields and McCoys battle all over again. This is what splits churches and that is why Paul urges the two women in the Philipian church to resolve their differences so there will be peace rather than conflict in the church. We are going to see that when Christians cannot resolve their conflicts they are to be excommunicated. You can't forgive them because they will not forgive each other, and unforgiving people are to remain unforgiven.

The problem arises because of people who take this as an absolute that we must always forgive regardless of the situation, and so forgiveness is unconditional. Scripure is strong on the fact that forgiveness is almost always conditional.

Did Jesus forgive all unconditionally?

Matthew 23:33 "You snakes! You brood of vipers! How will you escape being condemned to hell?" If you read that whole chapter you will see just how angry Jesus was at the Pharisees. Many of them accepted Jesus as the Messiah after his resurrection, Paul being the most famous, but those who never repented of their folly, in spite of all the evidence he gave them, were left in a state of being unforgiven for their blind godless behavior. Jesus wept over Jerusalem because they would not repent, and had to suffer the radical judgment of 70 AD when they were wiped out by the Romans. It was the end of the world for them, and the end of Judaism as God had established it.

We notice that God is to be our example to follow. We are to forgive as God forgives. When we look at how God forgives we discover that his forgiveness is conditional upon the repentance of the one who has sinned or caused the offense that needs forgiving. Take the text in 1 John 1:8-9 for example: “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

We note that the text begins with an if we confess, and this means God's forgiveness is based on the condition that we confess. If we don't confess it means we will not be forgiven. We have to fulfill the condition of confessing or there will be no basis for God to forgive. If he forgives without the confession there is no point in the confession and forgiveness is universal and meaningless. If God's forgiveness is conditional, it follows that our forgiveness is to follow this same pattern. If the offender acknowledges that he or she is an offender, then we are obligated to forgive them just as God forgave us when we acknowledged that we sinned against him. If the offender refuses to confess however, we are under no such obligation. God expects repentance, and that is what confession is. It is acknoledging we have sinned and are departing from what is offensive to God. We see it all through Scripture.

David went for many months before he was forced to repent. He lived in guilt and agony all that time and found no relief until he admitted and confessed his sin. He was not forgiven until he did.

2 Chronicles 32:26, Then Hezekiah repented of the pride of his heart, as did the people of Jerusalem; therefore the LORD’s wrath did not come on them during the days of Hezekiah.
Jeremiah 5:3, LORD, do not your eyes look for truth? You struck them, but they felt no pain; you crushed them, but they refused correction. They made their faces harder than stone and refused to repent." God cannot forgive those who refuse to repent and change their stubborn rebellion.

Jeremiah 8:6, I have listened attentively, but they do not say what is right. None of them repent of their wickedness, saying, “What have I done?” Each pursues their own course like a horse charging into battle.

Jeremiah 18:8, and if that nation I warned repents of its evil, then I will relent and not inflict on it the disaster I had planned. Remember Jonah and Ninevah. They were scheduled for destrution, but they repented and God gave them mercy and let them survive. Repentance can change the heart of God, and should ours as well, but we also need to remain opposed to those who will not repent. Forgiveness is meaningless when people stubbornly refuse to admit they are doing evil.

Ezekiel 18:30 “Therefore, you Israelites, I will judge each of you according to your own ways, declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent! Turn away from all your offenses; then sin will not be your downfall.

Ezekiel 18:32, For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent and live!

Matthew 11:20[ Woe on Unrepentant Towns ] Then Jesus began to denounce the towns in which most of his miracles had been performed, because they did not repent.

Matthew 11:21“Woe to you, Chorazin! Woe to you, Bethsaida! For if the miracles that were performed in you had been performed in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago in sackcloth and ashes.

Matthew 12:41The men of Nineveh will stand up at the judgment with this generation and condemn it; for they repented at the preaching of Jonah, and now something greater than Jonah is here.

Matthew 21:32 For John came to you to show you the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes did. And even after you saw this, you did not repent and believe him.

LUKE 13:1-5, "Now there were some present at that time who told Jesus about the Galileans whose blood Pilate had mixed with their sacrifices. 2 Jesus answered, “Do you think that these Galileans were worse sinners than all the other Galileans because they suffered this way? 3 I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish. 4 Or those eighteen who died when the tower in Siloam fell on them—do you think they were more guilty than all the others living in Jerusalem? 5 I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish.”

I COR 10:1-12 1 For I do not want you to be ignorant of the fact, brothers and sisters, that our ancestors were all under the cloud and that they all passed through the sea. 2 They were all baptized into Moses in the cloud and in the sea. 3 They all ate the same spiritual food 4 and drank the same spiritual drink; for they drank from the spiritual rock that accompanied them, and that rock was Christ. 5 Nevertheless, God was not pleased with most of them; their bodies were scattered in the wilderness. 6 Now these things occurred as examples to keep us from setting our hearts on evil things as they did. 7 Do not be idolaters, as some of them were; as it is written: “The people sat down to eat and drink and got up to indulge in revelry.”[a] 8 We should not commit sexual immorality, as some of them did—and in one day twenty-three thousand of them died. 9 We should not test Christ,[b] as some of them did—and were killed by snakes. 10 And do not grumble, as some of them did—and were killed by the destroying angel.11 These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the culmination of the ages has come. 12 So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!

Luke 17:3-4, " “If your brother or sister[a] sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. 4 Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.”

God's forgiveness is conditional upon repentance, and so is ours. If an offender refuses to admit they were wrong in their sin against you, to forgive them is meaningless. They need to remain unforgiven so that their conscience will keep working and bring them to repentance. Forgiveness without repentance encourages sin and pride. We as parents need to defeat this pride by making our children suffer a penalty until they confess they have done wrong. If they are forgiven with no penalty and no need to confess their folly, they will learn that they don't have to admit their sinfulness and just accept their bad behavior as being okay. We say go to your room until you can say your are sorry for stealing your friends toy, or hurting your sister. If we confort and just say, its okay, don't worry, I will take care of it, and let them off the hook, they will not learn the importance of confession.

The basic Biblical principle is that God will forgive no matter how bad people are if they are willing to repent and admit they are evil. God and Jesus both forive all who repent, and withold forgiveness from all who will not repent. Those who will not repent face possible judgment, and everytime judgment came upon Israel it was because they refused to repent. Jesus then makes this the principle for us to follow. Anyone who sins against us, and no matter how bad or how often is to be forgiven when they repent and confess it was wrong and evil what they did. If they do not admit that, forgiveness then is meaningless for they have no forgiveness from God, who alone can forgive sin. For you to say you forgive someone who refuses to repent puts you as an opponent against God. You are pretending to have the authority to forgive what he will not forgive. You have exalted yourself above God.

Now lets be clear here, we are talking about sins which are a clear violation of God's law and will. The Ten Commandments are a good guide. If people offend you in many ways by their attitudes and words, they may not be sinning at all from God's point of view. If I say I hate those shoes you are wearing it may be offensive to you, but it is not sin, and I can't repent, for I believe they are rediculous shoes. You need to let such things go as different taste people have. I would be wiser not to open my mouth, but you are wiser to let it go than to burn in anger for our taste differences. But if I steal something from you, and you discover I took it, I have sinned against you. You do not need to forgive this sinful act If I am unwilling to admit I did it, and make restitution if possible. If I confess I am sorry I did it, you need to forgive and restore our fellowship. A stubborn refusal at this point makes forgiveness illogical. You have the right to say I did not need that watch anyway, and so I will let it go and not cut off my fellowship with that person. This is not forgiveness, for they have still sinned and need to confess it to God to be forgiven for stealing. They broke God's law, and you cannot forgive that. If they continue to steal from you or others, then you cannot even let it go. They have to be clearly unforgiven until they repent, and face consequences for their sinful behavior.

Matt. 18:15-17, “If your brother or sister[b] sins,[c] go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’[d] 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector." Here you have a Christian who is unforgiven because he will not confess his sin. He is held guilty by the whole church and yet he stubbornly refuses to repent and admit his guilt. Jesus does not say just forget it and let it go, but hold this brother in contempt until he does repent. All sin is forgiveable with repentance, but some sins are to be kept on the record and not wiped away until there is repentance.

In I Cor. 5:9-13 we read Paul's stern words about how we are to deal with a rebel believer who is living in disobedience to God. “I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— 10 not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. 11 But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister[c] but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people. 12 What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? 13 God will judge those outside. “Expel the wicked person from among you.”

Paul is not encouraging any forgiveness on the part of the believers toward this rebel. He is to be shunned and excluded rather than forgiven. Other Christians who refuse to forsake their wicked ways are not to be forgiven either, but rejected and avoided.

We are to be forgiving, but this is not an absolute, for there are situations where it becomes meaningless to forgive. If a person is stubbornly remaining in their sin and not willing to confess and forsake their sin, we are not to be forgiving, for that would only assure them of the right to continue in their sin. The point of shunning them is to compel them to forsake their sin and get back into fellowship. They are to be forgiven and welcomed back just as soon as they confess and forsake their folly.

Biblical love of our brother includes discipline (2 Thes. 3:14-15): "And if any man obey not our word by this epistle, note that man, and have no company with him, that he may be ashamed. Yet count [him] not as an enemy, but admonish [him] as a brother."

The world is filled with children who have to grow up with druken fathers or mothers who abuse them in many ways, and even torture them, and sexually abuse them. I read of one family where the brother was abusive to the sister and hurt her continually and the parents demanded she forgive him continually even when there was no repentance. She grew up and cut off all contact with this abusive brother and her therapist agreed it was a healthy thing to do, for it was mockery to forgive him when he refused to admit he was a cruel person.

"Her parents had looked the other way when her violent bully of an older brother thrust a screwdriver up her rectum--even when he set her on fire. "Afterward they didn't leave tools or matches lying around, but they never acknowledged what he did to me. He continued to behave this way and they continued to insist that I submit; my mother would say, 'He's just trying to get close to you because he doesn't know how to be friends.' She'd confuse me by saying it was all out of love, and I had no recourse."

"I've taken a strong position that he's out of my life, even though my parents still try to bully me into capitulating. I know it's difficult for them to have two separate sets of holidays, but I forbid them to talk to me about it because their Pollyanna attitude enrages me."

Jeanne Safer in Psycology Today wrote, "I have found that there are three types of healthy unforgivers. For moral unforgivers, refusing means telling the truth, asserting fundamental rights and opposing injustice. Psychologically detached unforgivers accept the painful reality that they cannot experience the positive internal connection with a betrayer--usually a parent--which forgiving would require. Reformed forgivers have faced conflicts between feelings, religious principles, ethics or social responsibilities, and reject the conventional attitudes they once accepted. None of these three types is vindictive or against forgiveness in principle; they share the capacity to forgive but do not exercise it indiscriminately."

"Contrary to the conventional wisdom, refusing to forgive or have further contact with an unrepentant, abusive relative is therapeutic. "My lack of forgiveness has not impeded my development or my relationships at all; in fact, it's cured me," she said. "Before I took a stand I was always depressed and acceding to others' needs, always confused about my rights and about what was real." It is commonly believed that forgiving promotes mental health and alleviates depression. But doing the opposite can express a person's very right to live."

I have no personal experience of ever having anyone in my life that I had to refuse to forgive, but I still experience this reality in my emotions when I watch movies where the theme is good verses evil. I grew up watching westerns, and now I still enjoy some of those old movies I watched as a young boy. The director of the movies makes sure you come to hate the evil man who wants to confiscate the land of poor widows and other suffering people, and to love the hero who comes to save these unfortunate people. It is pure pleasure when the hero finally defeats the evil man and the movie has a happy ending where no longer are people's lives being destroyed by the wicked outlaws, and unjust powers. Do I feel any impulse to forgive those who are shot down or imprisoned? Not at all. I rejoice in justice, and the thought of forgiveness never crosses my mind, for there is no forgiveness expected where there is no hint of repentance. If the bad guy told all of his outlaws to lay down their weapons and gave back all of the people their land, and cattle, etc. then it would be another story, but we seldom to never see such a movie. They have to end with judgment and justice, for they are stories without repentance, and they follow the pattern we see that God follows in history and in his Word.