Humor

HUMOR ME, BIBLICAL CARS

by Jeff Van Hatten
01/02/21
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Recently, I have discovered that my twenty-five year old vehicle needs to be replaced – not repaired. It now has just shy of a quarter of a million miles on the odometer, and needs three to four thousand dollars in repairs. So, seeking advice, I scanned the Bible to see what the scriptures have to say about cars, trucks, and motorcycles, thinking that I would find very little – talk about a mistaken perception! Here’s what I found out:

Yahweh and Yeshua, the prophets and disciples, all have various vehicles at their disposal.

The Honda Accord
John 12:49 – For I have not spoken on my own Accord.
Acts 1:14, 2:1, 2:46, 4:24, and 5:12 – The apostles were all of one Accord in Solomon’s porch.
Acts 7:57, and 8:6 – The crowds with one Accord listened eagerly to what was said by Philip.
1 Kings 22:13, 2 Chronicles 18:12 – Look, the words of the prophets with one Accord are favorable
Judges 20:1, Ezra 3:1, Nehemiah 8:1, Zephaniah 3:9 – The people will serve Yahweh with one Accord.

The BMW M235i Chariot
Genesis 41:3 – Pharaoh had Joseph ride in his second best Chariot.
Exodus 14:7 – Pharaoh took 600 first-quality Chariots, and all the other Chariots to chase the Hebrew slaves.
Joshua 11:9 – Joshua burned up their Chariots.
Psalm 68:17 – Yahweh has thousands of Chariots.
Habakkuk 3:8 – Is that why you drive your Chariots to victory?

The Mazda Tribute
Numbers 31:41 – Moses gave the Tribute set apart for Yahweh to Eleazar the Priest.
Judges 3:15 – The Israeli’s appointed Ehud to take their Tribute to Eglon, King of Moab.
2 Chronicles 26:8 – The Ammonites brought a Tribute to Uzziah.
Psalm 68:29 – Kings will bring a Tribute to Yahweh.
Psalm 72:10 – The kings of Tarshish and the coasts will give King David a Tribute.
Isaiah 18:7 – A Tribute will be brought to Yahweh from people far and near.

The Plymouth Fury
Jeremiah 32:37 – I will gather them out of all the countries where I drove them in Fury.
Habakkuk 3:8 – Is your Fury directed at the sea, Yahweh?
Psalm 2:5 – Then in his anger he terrifies them in his Fury.
1 Thessalonians 2:16 – But Yahweh’s Fury will catch up with them in the end.
Revelation 6:16 – Hide us from the Fury of Yeshua, the Lamb.

The Pontiac Tempest
Job 9:17 – Yahweh crushes me with a Tempest for no reason.
Job 30:22 – You snatch me up and make me ride in the Tempest.
Psalm 11:6 – Upon the wicked he shall rain a horrible Tempest.
Psalm 83:15 – Pursue your enemies with your Tempest.
Jonah 1:4 – There was a mighty Tempest on the sea.

The Geo Storm
Psalm 57:1 – I will find refuge in the shadow of your wings until the Storms have passed.
Psalm 83:15 – Yahweh will make them afraid with his Storm.
Proverbs 1:27 – I will laugh at you when terror overtakes you like a Storm.
Peter 2:17 – Dry springs and mists are driven by a Storm.

The Jeep Liberty
Jeremiah 34:17 – I proclaim a Liberty for you, says Yahweh.
Acts 27:3 – Julius courteously gave Paul a Liberty to go visit his friends.
Corinthians 8:9 – Take care that this Liberty of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block.
Galatians 2:4 – False brothers came in secretly to spy out our Liberty which we have.
1 Peter 2:16 – Do not use your Liberty for evil.

The Dodge Ram
Genesis 22:13 – Abraham looked, and saw a Ram caught in the thicket.
Exodus 19:13 – Only when the Ram’s horn sounds a long blast may they approach the mountain.
Joshua 6:5 – When they make a long blast with the Ram’s horn, the people may approach the mountain.
Daniel 8:3 – I looked up; and there in front of the stream was a Ram with two horns.

The Dodge Charger
Matthew 14:8; Matthew 14:11; Mark 6:25; and Mark 6:28 – And the girl, being before instructed by her mother, said, “Give me here John the Baptist’s head in a Charger.”

Note:
The “charger” in which the Baptist’s head was presented was a platter or flat wooden board. And, yes, that’s really old English not to be found in more recent translations — smile.

The Dodge Demon
Matthew 11:18, Luke 7:33 – He has a Demon!
Mark 5:15 – They saw the man who had the legion of Demons and they were frightened.
Mark 7:26 – She begged him to drive the Demon out.
Luke 8:27-29 – A man from the town who had Demons came to meet Yeshua. The man had been driven by a Demon into the desert.

The Triumph(s) Note: We cannot determine if these are cars or motorcycles . . . .
Exodus 32:18 – But Joshua said to Moses, “It is not the sound of a Triumph, but the sound of singing I hear.”
Psalm 118:15 – The voice of a Triumph is in the tents of the righteous.
Isaiah 13:3 – I have called my warriors who exult in my Triumph, to execute my wrath.
Romans 3:4 – You may be justified in your Triumph when you judge.
———————-
Hinted at but no specific verse:
The roar of Moses’ Triumph is heard in the hills. (Exodus)
Joshua’s Triumph was heard throughout the land. (Joshua)
David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land. (1&2 Samuel)

The VW Beetle
2 Corinthians. 4:8 – Paul may be describing his going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle:
“We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement.”

Last, but not least
Q: How do we know that cars are in the New Testament?
A: Because Jesus was a car painter!

Conclusions
Proverbs 17:22 – “A happy heart is good medicine.”
A happy heart is good for the soul, so the Bible says. Finding all this information about vehicles has cheered me up, and given me a laugh or two. I pray it does the same for you.