Humor

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Sanitisers and Solutions

March 6^th 2020

Another beautiful day in Auckland (New Zealand), day 55 of our record drought. I wake into it by my trusty bedside alarm. Reaching for the button, I remember to spray sanitiser on it first, then switch it off. That's after I have sprayed the spray container, and the spray container I use to spray the spray container, ad finitum.

I always spend 2 minutes after the alarm wakes me to continue to lie in bed and dream up ways to improve my lot in life. Then my 2^nd alarm reminds me to get up. This morning I decide in my 2 minutes to train myself to not need alarms anymore and to wake at the precise moment I should. I will test myself over the next month and record the results. I will also let my boss know just in case I am 2 hours late for work any or every day.

My morning routine requires less time now (than before coronavirus became a household word) and my house looks a little different too. I have installed new revolving front and back doors which can be unlocked and opened manually very easily by pressing foot buttons with my big toe. I also have internal swing doors so I don't need door handles, so it's much faster to get from room to room.

Yesterday I adjusted my bathroom and kitchen taps so they deliberately and constantly drip just slightly. Below the drip is a large container for my new vegetable garden. When I need to clean my hands, I use natural plant-friendly soap, and rub it vigorously over my hands using the drip to wash off. This way I never have to touch any basin taps and always have water for my garden.

The vegetable garden which I began yesterday, after sanitising the spade, will feed me in vegetables for the next 50 years since I can no longer trust who has touched and sneezed on public vegetables. I will develop a strain of seeds that can self-reproduce, unlike many commercially produced seeds which are developed to not do this.

I found a lighting manufacturer who makes lights which have several remarkable features: 1) They are very cheap and come with enough spare parts for 50 years. 2) They run on solar power. 3) They are activated by my voice and I can tell them how much brightness I want. So I no longer have light buttons on my walls.

My laptop no longer has a keyboard. A friend of mine invented this. I simply say what I want to write and the text appears on the screen. I have several screens round my house which are all networked so I can write my stories wherever I am – cooking dinner, on the toilet, sunbathing on my deck.

A positive side effect is that I have learned Spanish and Russian because as I write, I ask it to translate into other languages and then compare them. So just in case English loses its way, I will be able to communicate with a good percentage of the world. (I lived in China for 6 years and never mastered the tones, hence the reason I haven't chosen it. And since some of my friends are tone deaf, they never will either and I want to be able to talk to them.)

Reaching for my Weetbix box, I realise it's probably contaminated so I spray the outside. I immediately think of all the boxes and packets and cans and vegetables in the supermarket which are at this moment being touched by a thousand hands, and shudder. Perhaps I should extend my 2 minutes’ reflection time in the morning to 5 minutes.

For breakfast I always have 10 sliced peaches from a can, 2 weetbix (crushed in my right hand), 3 dried prunes, some longlife skim milk, and a cup of plunger coffee... Excuse me, I will be back in a few minutes...

Ok, I have now sprayed all 20 boxes of longlife milk, 18 cans of peaches, 10 boxes of weetbix, 8 packets of coffee, my 2 hands, and the partridge in the pear tree. I enjoy my breakfast.

I spend far less time washing dishes now. I have one spoon, one knife, one fork, one cutting knife, one stirring spoon, one plate, one bowl, etc. I sanitise, use, wash (under the drip), sanitise and put them away in sanitised racks and sanitised cupboards. There are no handles on any drawers or cupboards – all are operated by foot.

I no longer have a power-guzzling hot water cylinder. The cold water drip that comes out of my shower is quite sufficient to enable me to wash myself as often as I like and still save 5000% of the water I used to use, and my power bill is now only $5 per month. And the garden has yet more water.

My clothes have been airing in a sanitised odour cupboard overnight so I put them on.

I sanitise my car keys and mobile phone. Walking out to the car, I appreciate the beauty of the day, the blue sparkling sea in the distance, brown rolling hills parched from lack of water, and rabbits happily bounding here and there (ever watchful for my neighbour's cat Jazz who likes bringing rabbits home.)

I reach for the car door handle and sanitise it, followed by the steering wheel, indicators, gear stick, seat, seatbelt, and window buttons. Wonderful, I am ready. I spray the rear vision mirror to adjust it.

I make sure the air flow into the car is closed so as not to fill my car with external pollution. I will survive my own carbon dioxide until I get home again, then open all the windows and flush it out. To give myself more fresh air, I have begun diverting through several parks on my way to and from work so I can open the window. But I've noticed others doing the same so now I'm choosing parks not well known. It's a longer commute but much more pleasant and avoids the stationary motorway queues.

I would cycle to work but then I would be sucking in pure 100% polluted air most of the way to work. I have petitioned local councils and others to invest in bike paths that don't go anywhere near vehicular roads but this has fallen on deaf ears thus far. For some strange reason, they continue to put bike lanes alongside motorised traffic. (I cycled in China for several years but that was in days before the general public had cars. All we had to contend with were a million other bicycles and exhaust fuming taxis, trucks and buses.)

I have arrived at work safely and wave my swipe tag over the underground parking lot access. Parking my car in my designated spot, I head for the elevator. I sanitise the up button and press it. Inside the lift, I quickly spray the whole compartment and sanitise the Level 8 button and hope we don't stop at the Ground Floor on the way.

We do. About 10 people enter the lift from a variety of countries, including Italy, Iran, China, Korea, France and a group from Washington State, all heading to the 9^th floor. I whip out my gas mask and hurriedly don it. They already have theirs on so I should be fine. No-one talks thankfully. (In the past, I loved making conversations in elevators with perfect strangers. In the space of 8 floors I could learn where a person was born, what their occupation was, what they liked to do in their recreation time, where they liked to travel, and what they were having for dinner that night.)

I escape onto Level 8 and head to my office via the bathroom. I sanitise the toilet doors, toilet seat, the flush button, the roll holder and the taps. I avoid the hand blow-drier and as someone else uses it, I race out of the room since the blowing air distributes germs even faster.

On the way to my office, I stop to grab a coffee from the staff kitchen. I sanitise the kitchen door, the cupboard, my own coffee mug, the fridge door, the milk bottle, the coffee container and lid, and the zip boiler tap. I never use spoons. Instead I simply guess how much coffee I need and pour it out.

Arriving at my General Manager office door, I sanitise the door and my office keys. Inside I sanitise the light switch, my swivel chair, and the computer on button. While it is loading, I sanitise my keyboard and desk, and any files I will need today.

I sit down ready to begin, assured all is well. The phone rings. I sanitise the handle and pick it up. My boss wants me to go into the city to meet a new colleague - by train and back by bus since the roads are all blocked (by people trying to get to supermarkets to buy toilet paper.) I gasp inwardly.

Thankfully both the main Manukau train and bus stations are right across the road. They have put these here since I started this job and I'd like to thank them for that.

I arrive at the train station, though it looks more like an underground bomb shelter with so many wandering round with masks on. I duly put mine on. I sanitise the counter where I get my ticket and the ticket, and the bar that lets me through. On the train, I find a quiet corner in the back away from people, poles, seats, walls and animals. There I stand hoping no-one speaks to me and that the train doesn’t suddenly brake.

In the city, after surviving the train trip, I let others press the pedestrian cross buttons. I find several back alleys to my destination to avoid the congested main streets. Discovering it to be a very popular tower building, I sanitise my phone again, and call the colleague suggesting we meet in the park instead. He agrees thankfully. I sanitise the park bench and the meeting is a success.

I am glad of the gas mask on the way home in the bus. I let the first 7 buses go by as they are too crowded. Unfortunately, time is now pressing so I hop onto the next bus. Now I am the one doing the pressing. Every seat is taken and I am determined to keep some space between me and the next person in this way over-crowded bus. I lose that plan. I sanitise the pole, keep my face away from the coughing person seated beside me, and pray for protection.

I survive the bus trip (I think) and decide for my own protection and other's protection I will go into immediate voluntary self-isolation. Back at work I hear that the owner has just informed everyone that they have to work at home until further notice. Wonderful. I sanitise everything I will need and drive home forthwith.

On the way home, I withdraw enough cash for 6 months from the bank in big notes, in case the banks close shop. I sanitise the bank doors and touch screen, and later I wash all the notes carefully. I phone the supermarket and get them to deliver 6 months’ worth of food to my home, and I wash all those products too when they arrive.

I post “Self-Isolating” signs to my house doors and phone my family and friends not to visit. The majority think this is very wise. One brother laughs and asks if I am joking.

Tonight I have read some breaking news: “Coronavirus vaccine found. Available from tomorrow free for all citizens. Works instantaneously.” Well, that's wonderful. But I'm not backtracking. There will be a next time, and in the meantime, I am far safer from flus, measles and other nasties.

I'm currently researching how to grow my own sanitising products.

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Murray Peat is a freelance writer and author living in rural Auckland New Zealand.

He has published two novels in recent years – a children's adventure fantasy “Poppyseed & Sunflower's First Adventure” (2016 WestBow Press, USA) and a historical sci-fi adventure novel “Finding Prester John” (2018 YourBooks, New Zealand.) These are available in paperback, e-book and audio book.

He has written dozens of short stories on various genre (eg humor, sci-fi, rich/poor), some of which he hopes to publish. Many of his humorous stories are based on his own experience. His most popular is “The Beggar and the 3 Keys” with over 1200 hits on one site.

He has been in two movies – in a crowd scene in Sleeping Dogs (1976, Sam Neill, NZ) and acted as the Swiss ambassador to China in a TV movie about adoption in Nanjing in “Change of Heart (1998, China).

Murray has been interviewed on national TV, local radio, newspapers and magazines in New Zealand, Australia and China, for a range of reasons – his stories, his work, coronavirus self-isolation, their Chinese daughter's Beijing adoption 30 years ago (which was in TIME magazine.)

As well as writing, he enjoys improvising jazz on his piano and watching movies (humor, romance, adventure, spy, sc-fi.) He hasn't watched TV for 30 years – he has no time for that. He has visited 42 countries but in 2012 ditched his passport and now travels the world every day via google to all the places he never got to, exploring their geography and history, which inspire and inform his stories.

Murray is currently General Manager of multiple commercial and residential properties, including managing a TOP 10 holiday park and an international English language school. He is semi-retired, working in this position 3 days a week. Prior to this he worked as Operations Manager for the largest Salvation Army community programme in NZ. He has also taught English in NZ and China, and worked in several other fields.

He is single, loves life, especially the natural outdoors, and constantly researches the latest discoveries in science, archaeology, astronomy, oceanography, weather systems, and speleology... to name a few.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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