Humor

Oh, Those Alluring Lizardly Eyes

by James Snyder 
01/04/20
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After months of planning and rearranging our schedule, the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage finally organized a little vacation time for Christmas.

It takes an awful lot of work for her and, I let her work as hard as she wants to work. That’s the kinda husband I am.

She scheduled us to stay for several days in St. Augustine. We always enjoy our stay there and look forward to going there. The people who own the motel where we stay are good friends of ours. It is great to get together with friends that you only see once a year.

Being exhausted from a whole year’s work, my wife and I looked forward to this time of doing nothing. I did not realize how much work was involved in doing nothing.

We signed in and I went to the room, sat down and just looked around to see where we would be staying for a few days. I looked over to the bed and on the pillow, there was something there. I did not quite know what it was and then I realized it was a lizard.

I love animals of all kinds. I have a hard time killing a fly, so when I saw this lizard, I was delighted. When my delight softened a little, I began to think that my wife does not appreciate the animal world as much as I do. This lizard would not do for her.

Looking at the lizard, I said, "Mr. Lizard, I don’t think you should be here. It’s not a good idea.”

He turned his head, looked at me with his nose up in the air, his big lizardly eyes blinked several times, and then looked away with his nose still up in the air.

“You can ignore me if you want to, but I’m just warning you that the worst part of your day has not begun.”

Again, he looked my way with his nose still up in the air, blinking his eyes most arrogantly and then looked away with another arrogant twist of his head. Then he took four steps away from me, his nose still up in the air.

“Don’t forget,” I explained to the lizard, “I warned you what was coming.”

I laughed because I was seeing a stage set for some exciting moments. I could not wait for the door to open and the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage walk in and see my little friend the lizard. I only wish I had a bag of popcorn.

The wait was not long and I soon heard the doorknob twist, the door opened and in walked the lady of the hour. Oh, where is my popcorn?

I saw the lizard glance at her, then look back at me, again his nose was in the air and he was blinking arrogantly and then turned and looked the other way. He evidently did not know what he was in for.

Then it happened. My wife looked at the pillow on the bed and said, “What’s that?”

Before she got it out, she realized it was a lizard. Few things in life that frighten my wife, but this lizard did, much to my enjoyment.

When she saw the lizard, she screamed and the lizard jumped straight up in the air. When it came down and landed on the pillow, it glanced at me with eyes that looked a little bit frightened. Then he jumped off the pillow and went underneath the bed.

That was not enough for my wife. She ran somewhere, got a broom, came back. I do not believe this lizard has ever seen any woman with a broom in her hand coming at him. At least, not someone like my wife.

She came in, moved the bed and there the lizard was. She started swinging and as soon as she started swinging, the lizard started jumping. Oh, where is that popcorn?

The last I saw the lizard, he jumped out the door and disappeared even though my wife followed him as far as she could go. Then she came back into the room.

She looked at me with one of "those looks" and said very sarcastically, "What are you laughing at?"

I promise you, I did my best not to laugh, but if you would've been in the room with me, you would've laughed too. Nothing is more exciting to me than seeing my wife jump in alarm at a little lizard more afraid of her than she was of him.

For the next few days, whenever my wife looked at me and saw me smiling, she would comment, “You’re not thinking of that lizard, are you?”

For once in my life, I was honest. “No, my dear. I was thinking of you.”

During the rest of our stay there, whenever we came into our room, my wife searched it from top to bottom to make sure my little friend was not there. You will never know how much I wished that he would have returned. But you didn't hear that from me.

Thinking of that little lizard, I remembered what David said. "Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident” (Psalm 27:3).

The only thing we need to fear is God and that is a reverential fear. The fear of God dissolves every other fear.