Family

God is Enough, Even Through a Miscarriage

by Lisa Dougan
11/23/18
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Just 4 months after getting married, my husband and I found out we were pregnant.  We hadn’t planned on starting a family so quickly, but were beyond excited by the news and eagerly thought of a fun way to tell our family and friends.  When the day arrived though that I would see my midwife for the first time, I sat on the table not with joy or anticipation, but with tears streaming down my face… one week prior, my husband and I were told we had miscarried.

Words can’t describe the pain that comes with the loss of a baby.  How could I fall so in love so quickly with the little life inside of me… the baby I had never met?  My heart broke as I wrestled with anger, bitterness, and deep sadness.  Still, I knew I had to trust the heart of God.  And against everything I felt and thought – I spoke truth to myself about who God had shown Himself to be – time and time again.

Faithful.  Sovereign.  Loving.  Good.

These weren’t truths that I simply believed, but truths about His character that I had experienced… they were truths that God had been building into my life for years.  Through battles with depression, disappointments, failures, and wounds… God had broken me and made sure that beyond all doubt I would know that He is always faithful, loving, and good – even when life doesn’t look that way. 

Several months later, my husband and I were pregnant again.  However, this time we guarded our hearts against getting too excited for fear of losing our second baby.  Because of our previous miscarriage, our midwife wanted to do a sonogram to confirm the pregnancy.  My hand held tight to my husbands’ as we watched the black and white images on the screen and listened to the technician tap at the keys of the computer.  I watched her face… searching for reassurance that everything was ok.  “How far along are you?” she asked.  11 weeks.  She continued clicking and tapping.  When the sonogram was finished we returned to the exam room.  Our midwife came back in.  “The baby is measuring much smaller than 11 weeks.  Are you sure of the dates?” she asked.  “It could be we just have the dates wrong or… the baby isn’t growing right and you will likely miscarry again”.  I could feel the tears start to fill my eyes and once again run down my cheeks – I watched them drop to the floor one by one.  All we could do was wait and in one week return for another sonogram.

That week was the longest week of my life.

When the day of that appointment arrived, my husband and I sat together once again in the darkened room – my hand clinging to his and I prayed… “God, please let there be a baby… let there be a heartbeat.”  I could feel my own heart race and a lump in my throat made it hard to swallow…

“There is the baby…” Her words hung in the air with hope for just a moment.  She clicked and tapped at the computer.   Then…“I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat.  I’ll give you a minute… just open the door when you’re ready”.

My husband leaned in, wrapping me in his arms… and we cried.

I could write several posts on what my husband and I walked through in the following days, weeks, and months as we healed… but it is the question a close friend asked me as we met for coffee just a few weeks after I had my D&C that is clearest in my mind today.

“How can you believe in, let alone love, a God who would let you go through a miscarriage again?”

I understand how a person who doesn’t truly know God can ask that question.  But I felt jealous for God and His name in the midst of our loss.  What God had taught me in everything He had brought me through prior to this is that…

God is Enough.

He was enough when I was battling the darkness of depression.  He was enough as I left everything to go to the mission field.  He was enough as I waited 30 years for Him to bring my husband into my life.  He had always been enough…and He was enough now… when I wanted a child but couldn’t have one.

How can I love a God who allows painful things to happen in my life?

Because what God has consistently shown me in the midst of hurt is that He is always faithful, sovereign, loving, and good.  Because He created and formed me as His beloved daughter… because He knows me more intimately than I know myself and still loves me deeper than I can fathom… because He sent His Son to die for me and now I have present and eternal hope.  He will always be enough for me, even when life isn’t what I want or expect.  And the truth is, it’s in the painful times that He has taught me these truths most powerfully.  It’s in these times that He has drawn me only deeper into His arms, where I have found the peace and fullness of all that He is, all that I am in Him, and all He has done for me.

None of this means that there weren’t weeks, months or even years of tears, pain, and healing… but my husband and I were able to praise God in the midst of our pain.  We trusted that He would use what He allowed us to walk through for His glory.  And because of that, we were able to say through the tears:

Whom have I in heaven but you?

And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail,

But God is the strength of my heart

And my portion forever.”

Psalm 73: 25-26


This post was originally seen on www.womendevotions.com