Humor

I’m Dreaming of a Commercial Free World

by James Snyder 
10/27/18
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It was one of those really busy weeks where there was hardly enough time to breathe. For myself, I was glad the week was over and I could relax for the evening.

“What do you want for supper?” The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage queried. “Do you want to go out for supper?”

Going out for supper was the last thing on my mind. All I wanted to do was relax here at the house.

“No,” I said rather hesitatingly, “why don’t we just order a pizza and stay home tonight?”

That brought a nice smile to her face. It is the one time that I made the right decision.

So, we ordered the pizza and were ready to settle down and enjoy the evening together watching TV. Nothing could be more relaxing after the kind of week we had. It was like two steps forward and five steps backward.

The pizza arrived in good time and we were ready to turn our back on the world, the past week and just enjoy our own little companionship.

Ordering pizza can sometimes be tricky. I like pepperoni, she likes mushroom and the twain never comes together. So we ordered a large pizza half pepperoni and half mushroom. That way I know I will get my half. I know she will not eat any of the pepperoni pizza.

We were all snuggled down in our easy chairs eating pizza, drinking soda and watching TV.

“What do you want to watch tonight?”

“I don’t know,” she said hesitatingly, “anything is good for me tonight.”

We settled on one of those Hallmark movies playing that night and began watching it. If you ever watched a movie on TV, you know that they cannot go long without breaking for commercials.

It was agitating to me, but I just indulged in my pizza and soda.

Then I heard a very deep sighing on the other side of the room. For a while, I pretended not to hear it. I just kept munching on my pizza.

The sighing got louder and I tried to crunch louder. Unfortunately, the sighing won.

The next stage was, “I can’t believe all of that.”

Again, I tried to mind my own business and focus on the movie. At the next commercial I heard somebody say, and it wasn’t me, “I am just about tired of all that.”

I am not sure what she was tired of; I was hoping it was not me. I know it wasn’t the pizza. You can only handle something for so long.

Finally, I said, “What are you tired of?”

“I’m tired,” she said most exasperatingly, “of all those commercials. I'm tired of them all. I want them to go away.”

I had to agree with her at this point. I am so tired of commercials. I am dreaming of some world where there are no commercials.

While watching this movie we decided to do a little bit of research. After every part of the movie, it came to commercial time. When the commercials started coming we started counting them. Between every segment, there were 117 commercials. It seemed that way at least.

The worst part of these commercials was the fact that most of them were political commercials. Personally, I think that should be against the law. And the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage agrees with me. So, if she agrees with me it must be something of consequence.

If I want to see a commercial, I will go and watch a commercial. After all, I do have a computer. But please, do not splatter my TV screen with commercial after commercial after commercial.

When a commercial comes on I can get up, go take a shower, shave and practice my Yogi Berra before the next part of the movie begins.

I have noticed that if I am watching TV while eating something they always have commercials about diarrhea. Why do I want to know about that while I am eating? That is most disgusting.

Even more disgusting are political commercials. Again, I think it should be against the law for any political commercials to be on my television. They should set aside one TV station that runs nothing but commercials 24/7. Then, if I want to watch a commercial, I know where to go.

If a political candidate wants to run for some office, they should write an essay about what they believe and post it on their website. Then, if I want to know anything about them, I know where to go. Only please, stay off my TV set.

While watching our movie, it became very confusing. It is hard to leap across the commercials to follow the story line. We decided to time things. The movie part would last about eight minutes and the commercial part would last over 10 minutes.

Talk about being unfair. I never turn the TV on to watch a commercial. It would be hard for me to find a commercial that I have any interest in whatsoever.

The only place I can find a commercial free environment is the Bible. “All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works” (2 Timothy 3:16-17).

The one pleasure in reading the Bible is that there are no distractions.

(I’m James Snyder and I approve this message.)