Family

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 Based on Titus 2:1-8

       Janette George played the role of Corrie Ten Boom in the movie The Hiding Place.  She wrote an interesting book called Travel Tips For The Reluctant Traveler.  In it she tells of her 35th birthday. That was the year she finally accepted the fact that she would never play Peter Pan.  But she expected a lot in life, and especially as she woke that Sunday morning of her birthday.  She laid in bed waiting for the first telephone call to greet her with good wishes.  But when none came she reasoned that they were being thoughtful and waiting until afternoon.  She had expected something in the mail the day before, but she just assumed the mail was late as usual.  She got ready for church and dressed in her very best dress because she had a lot of friends at church, and she figured they might make something special of her birthday.  But her Sunday School class did nothing to acknowledge her birthday.  She thought that they probably notified the pastor to say something from the pulpit, but that did not happen either.

      Persisting in her optimism she thought that they are probably planning a special lunch, and so she lingered after the service waiting for someone to invite her to this event.  But no one said a thing.  She reasoned that her friends knew where she ate on Sundays, and they would probably have a table reserved and would be ready to surprise her.  She went to her favorite eating place and walked in prepared to register her surprise at the table full of laughing friends, but there was no such table. 

       Most people would be facing reality by this time, but Janette was an incurable optimist.  As she ate alone she concluded that her friends were probably waiting at her apartment to surprise her. This, of course, proved to be mere fantasy like all her other speculations, and she sat alone puzzled by the lack of response.  She knew the phone had to ring, for the man who wanted her to marry him was out of town, but he would certainly call on her birthday. Her mother was also a sure thing, but it never rang.  Now listen to her own words:

       "By the middle of the afternoon, I accepted it.  No one was going to pop out of the closet with lighted candles on a walnut cake.  No one was going to arrive from out of town.  My birthday meant nothing to anybody!  I cried a bit in moist self-pity, regretting every card I have sent to others that year.  I even wished I had back the enameled earrings I had given my friend Margaret on her birthday. Tearfully, I stammered a prayer thanking God for my health.  (It is one of the few things one can enjoy alone.) 

       "The I became angry.  I wasn't going to go down without a struggle.  One person could still celebrate my birthday.  Me!  Still crying, I marched into my bedroom and changed into the boldness costume of youth I could find:  a pair of shining pink stretch pants and a silver-gray sweater.  I put on makeup, jewelry, high heels, and a blonde wing.  Blondes may not have more fun, but they can certainly look cuter in misery.  I called out to myself in the mirror, "Happy Birthday! You are still young and will have a wonderful
year.  Happy Birthday, my friend!" 

       She then went into her living room and sat down and opened the Sunday paper.  What hit her was not the headlines, but the date. She was still a week away from her birthday, and all her agony was based on a miscalculation.  Nobody remembered her birthday because it was not her birthday.  She had made a fool of herself, but fortunately, she was the only one who knew it.  This true story illustrates a number of things:   The forgetfulness of the human mind. The folly of false assumptions. The fears we foist on ourselves. The forsaken feelings we feel unnecessarily.

      The one we want to focus on now is the fallibility of the female. Paul has a high respect for women and the role they play in the church.  But he also recognizes that, like men, they make plenty of mistakes and need to be taught all kinds of things that we sometimes take for granted are just inherent in being a female.  Not so says Paul, for women are fallible and subject to error even in things as basic as loving their husbands and children.  They have to be trained to do this well says Paul.  This is necessary if they are going to be good Christian wives and mothers. 

      Paul is saying that Christian education is to cover the most practical aspects of life.  Christian education is not making sure young women grow up and know the books of the Bible, the names of the Apostles, and hundreds of other Bible facts.  All that is good and valuable, but it is not very practical if they do not learn to be good people, good wives, and good moms.   Paul says that Christian education is to teach Christian women how to live, and not just how to think and believe.  To believe all right and to behave all wrong is to fail in Christian education.  Nobody has a more practical curriculum than Paul has right here in Titus 2.

       Paul tells Titus to start with the older women, and they will then become the teachers of the younger women.  In Paul's idea of the ideal church everybody eventually becomes a teacher of others. Let's look at the details.  The first thing they need to be taught is to be reverent in the way they live.  We usually think of reverence as an attitude of respect we are to have in the presence of God.  But Paul says that it is an attitude the older women are to have in all of life, and not just when they come to church.

       Paul recognizes that there are few things in life that have a greater impact on this world than a reverent woman.   The Catholics learned this centuries ago, and that is why the exalted Mary to the level they did.  The holy virgin has touched millions through the centuries and around the world because there is something unique and truly special about a holy woman.   A truly Christ like woman is one of the most beautiful people that can be conceived.  She is a work of art that brings glory to the ultimate Artist.  Such purity does not just happen.  It has to be taught, and older women are the most likely to be the first to learn how to live a reverent life in such and irreverent world.  
 
     Paul writes, "Older Christian women should behave in a way that is proper for priests."  The Greek word here means proper for priests.  Older women in the church have the same high standards as the clergy.  Nobody is ever going to call  you Rev.  Mrs. Brown, but the title is not important.  It is the behavior and life style that matters, and Paul says older women are to live on the same level you would expect from one who is ordained to the ministry.  Luther says here, "Paul says this in opposition to old women who adorn themselves as though they were girls of 15, which is a sign of frivolity and lust."  Older women are to act their age, and live with a dignity that reveals that they have arrived to where their highest goals are to please God and not the world.

       Paul then gives some specific ways in which this reverent behavior is to be displayed.  How a woman uses her tongue is the primary way that she demonstrates her holiness, or lack of it.   Paul says to teach the older women not to be slanderers.   This was a very serious sin, and it was one where women were more susceptible apparently.  Any sin is common to all people, but some are a greater temptation to the female sex.  When the Bible deals with lust its primary focus is on the male, for that is where they are most likely to be tempted.  When it deals with the sins of the tongue its focus is on the female, for that is where they are most likely to be tempted. Is this being sexist?  It is if you do not recognize that females are also lustful, and males are also slanderers.  It is not sexist if you are just aware that one sex is more likely to be weaker in some areas than the other sex.

      Paul only uses this word three times in his letters.  He uses it here and then in I Tim. 3:11 where he says to the wives of deacons, "In the same way the wives are to be women worthy of respect, not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in all things."  Not malicious talkers is the same Greek word.  Then in II Tim. 3:3 Paul uses the word in a more general way to cover all people, for slander is one of the signs of the last days.   All people will be terrible with their tongue.  The Greek word is translated devil 35 times in the New Testament.  It is possible for a Christian to let his or her tongue become an instrument of the devil, and the most likely way for this to happen is by slander.   The devil is the father of slander, and so when we let our tongue be used in this way we are tools being used for his purpose. 

      A lot of bad stuff has been preached about women based on our text.  Both John Calvin and Martin Luther  are very negative in their preaching on this verse.  But they both point out something that we should mention.  They both say that the older a woman gets the more likely she will become a slanderer.  Older women tend to become more judgmental.  They feel that no one is good enough, beautiful enough or pure enough, and so they become accusers of all who are younger than themselves.  This is an easy sin to fall into, for as the times change and you see younger people doing what you never did it is so easy to accuse and injure the reputation of others. 

       If you find yourself being judgmental and putting other people down, do some self-examination for there is a good chance that you are being used of the devil to harm rather than help other people. The devil is the great accuser, and if you tend to do this, you are on his team no matter how righteous you feel about your accusations. The world is filled with people it is easy to slander, but if you take the Bible seriously, you will do a lot of tongue biting and refrain from this activity that is one of the most dangerous you can practice.

       You might reason that if someone is obviously wrong that you are free to slander their name.  But this is not what God has revealed to us.  We read in Jude 9, "But even the archangel Michael, when disputing with the devil about the body of Moses, did not dare to bring a slanderous accusation against him, but said, the Lord rebuke you."   Then he goes on to say that men are not so wise as Michael.  They speak abusively against all sorts of things they do not understand, and by this folly they bring judgment on themselves. He warns those who misuse their tongue by being grumblers and fault finders that they will suffer severely in the judgment.  This is a scary letter for those who do not learn to control their tongue. Slander is so popular in our culture that I fear many Christians never give it a thought that God may hate what we so easily accept. Paul is telling Titus to teach older women to avoid this serious sin that comes most easily to them. 

      The next thing Paul says older women are not to be is, addicted to much wine.   We have already dealt with this issue, for it is one of the requirements of elders that they be not given to much wine. Here is an area of life where the temptation to indulge seems to be equal for both sexes.  Alcohol is a drug that both sexes have used and abused all through history.  The Greeks and the Romans loved their wine, and the older people tended to abuse it more.  The doctors in that day denied it to the young but prescribed it freely for the older people.   Alcohol has always been a crutch for people to use in order to cope with life's loneliness and poor self-esteem. 

     Lillian Roth, the actress, has a testimony that fits tens of thousands.  She said, "I always felt inadequate....I never liked the person I was, and later, I found alcohol helped me run away from myself."  In a fallen world there are a lot of things everyone wants to escape, and wine is an aid to escape, and so it is a temptation even to Christians.  Paul makes it clear that no Christian is to use alcohol in such a way that it damages their dignity, or causes anyone to lose respect for them.  An older woman would lose respect rapidly if she was a loud mouth accuser and a heavy drinker.  Some Cretan women were living this kind of life, and they needed to be taught that this is not acceptable behavior for a Christian woman. 

     They are not only to stop doing these bad things, but they were to become teachers of what is good.  It is hard to teach what is good if you are being bad.  How can you teach others to be loving and kind if you use your tongue to belittle and defame others?  How can you teach others to live a life of respect and dignity if you are getting drunk and making a fool of yourself?   Paul expected older women to be teachers.  I have heard if often over the years as older women say, "I have taught children for many years, and so now let the younger women do it."   This may be valid, but for an older woman to say she is through with teaching is folly, for she cannot help but be a teacher, for by her attitudes and actions she is teaching all the time.

       Paul says her focus is to be on the younger women.  The primary focus he says is to, "Train young women to love their husbands and children."  You would think this would be just natural, but let's face reality.  The reason the divorce rate is so sky high in our culture is because young women never get this training.  Wives do not know how to love their mates automatically, and nobody trains them, and so the failure rate is enormous.  Loving husbands and kids is no easy task.  It takes much wisdom and skill.  In our day there are thousands of books and magazines to give young women the guidance they need.  Paul did not have this in his day.  Now we even have a vast number of videos, tapes, and libraries filled with aids to help wives love their husbands and children, but with all of this there is more failure than there was before we had it all.  

     What is the problem?  The problem is that you cannot get experience out of a book, video, or tape.  Paul's way is still the best way.  The older women have been able to survive years of the ups and downs of marriage.  They know how the male mind and body works.  They should be the best resource for knowing how to love a man.  This personal wisdom from an older woman is the best kind of practical education.  Paul puts a high priority on experience.  He does not say, get young wives to read their Bible and all will be well.  You cannot learn to love your husband by reading the Bible.  You need the counsel of an older wife who knows what the battles of marriage are all about, and who is a veteran who has survived them.

       Not all older women are good teachers of young wives.  I know of older women who hate sex and who tell the younger women that men are beasts, and they fill their minds with terrible advice.  I have counseled many of these victims myself.  Older women can be a curse to younger women by passing on the foolish and harmful information of their own mistakes.  But happily married older women are the best resource for younger women to learn from when it comes to marriage.  Wise is the younger woman who has an older
woman for a teacher.

       You will notice that Titus is to teach everyone that Paul mentions except these younger wives.  The implication is clear.  Paul is dealing here with sex education that older women need to pass on to the younger women.  Times have changed radically, and school girls now get information in school that even older women do not know.   The fact is, however, that it will never happen that there will be a better way to teach than to have a wise experienced person share what they have learned by their years of experience.

       I have a pile of books on the computer, but I can learn more in a few minutes with a person of experience than I can learn in many hours of reading those books.  Give me the person of experience for my teacher.  Paul's way is still the best, but we are deceived by the radical changes of culture.  We think that because of all the knowledge available through modern technology we can forget the personal communication learned by experience.  This is a trick of the devil that has become very effective.  Older women no longer teach younger women because it seems unnecessary.  We are reaping the harvest of this mistake.  We need to get back to the New Testament idea of discipleship where an older Christian gives guidance to a younger Christian.

       We need to keep in mind that many wives in biblical days did not chose their husbands.  Their marriages were arranged by their parents, so they did not love the man they married.  They needed to learn to love them in marriage.  Love then is not just a feeling.  It is a matter of choices.  Love is what you do, and these younger women were to be trained so they would do what was loving to their husbands and children.   The by-product would be the good feelings that we call love. 

       Jesus chose to die even for those who gave Him very negative feelings.  His love was not a matter of emotion, but it was a matter of the will and the choices He made.  Being a loving wife and mother is likewise a matter of choices, and these choices can be learned.  You can learn what choices to make when your husband is neglectful and your children are disobedient.  When everyone you care about is being a pain, you can make wise or foolish choices.  Learning the wise ones is what Christian education is all about.  Learning to make loving choices is what love is all about.  Love is the most practical of all the virtues.  Helen Marshall put it in poetry:

Reason faces up to life, And sees things as they are;
Hope sees things as they ought to be, And wishes on a star;
Faith dreams of miracles to come That only God can do;
Love to goes to work with patient hands To make those dreams come true. 

      The point is, love is not how you feel or dream, but it is what you do.  Love chooses, and love acts, and the loving choices in acts can be learned.  The trained Christian is one who can ask in any situation in life, "What is the loving thing to do in this situation?"  And then they can make that loving choice.  The untrained Christian will act on emotion or cultural forces that often are not the loving choice.  If young mothers go by their feelings, they are going to be unloving and abusive to their children, for children provoke a lot of negative emotions, and so can husbands. 

       You will notice that Paul says in verse 5, right after the being trained to love husbands and children, that they are to be self-controlled.  This means they are not being controlled by their emotions or cultural values which may not be biblical.  They are to be in control so that they make the choices as to how they respond to their husband and children.  Again, the whole point of Paul in all of this letter to Titus is that being a Christian is a matter of learning and training.  You need to learn the right choices to be a loving Christian wife and mother.  If you don't learn the right choices, you can be a child of God with the hope of eternal life, but you will not be a Christian in behavior, and you will not be an example of what Christ can do in this life through a person who is submissive to His Lordship. 

       Why are Christians so often un-Christlike?  We are all so often making choices based on self-centeredness and cultural conditioning.  Christians can be awful people to deal with, and as sinful as their attitudes and actions as any lost person.  It is so because we have not learned how to make the loving choices.  We have not learned to ask, "What would Jesus do in this situation?" And then we have not chosen to do what we know He would choose.  This is the goal of Christian education, and because we have not pursued this goal we all short of being like Christ.  A young Christian woman cannot even love her husband and children properly if she is not taught the choices she needs to make to be loving. 

       The older women are not to be slanderers, but to teach what is good.  Wives tend to slander their husbands often, and this is always an unloving choice.  The damage this does to any relationship is great.  Typical is the wife of the movie star whose husband went off fishing and left her alone.  When someone called asking where he could be found she said, "Just go down to the bridge and look around until you find a pole with a worm on each end."  The issue is not whether he was a worm or not, but rather, was this a loving choice to make or not?  Maybe he was a worm to her because she talks to him and about him in a slanderous way.  A different choice on her part could make a world of difference in their relationship.     
 
       Someone wisely said, "No man ever told a woman she talked too much when she is telling him how wonderful he is!"  This works both ways, of course, but the evidence indicates that women are more likely to bad mouth their husbands than husbands their wives. Older women who are mature Christians need to help younger women learn the power of loving words and choices that produce strong relationships.   May God help us find ways to implement Paul's advice, for in essence he is saying that the key to happy and healthy Christian families is in the Christian education of women.

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