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The Home for Christian Writers! Matthew 6:33
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen
Since the Lord took my dear Sandi
, I've been clinging more to the serenity prayer, and praying to God to grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. In my fallen, sinful nature, I want my world the way I would have it, not the way it is. I know theoretically/theologically, that God does what's best for us.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
But, although I'm not directly angry at God, I find myself playing in my head a senario: God works a miracle and cures Sandi's brain cancer that has crept back after having been given radiation treatment 2 1/2 years ago which can't be retreated. As it was, her cancer doctor said people with her condition normally die after a few months. That was miraculous, but in His timing, God called Sandi home. But I didn't want her to go.
Working in His mysterious ways
, I found Sandi's old church she had been asking me to take her to since I met her three years ago.She didn't know the name of the church or the location, just names. One of the names popped up on one occasion when I checked her Facebook page. For a short but precious while we went there together, until she became more chronically tired and I went there myself. I kept sitting in the same spot where I sat next to her. I've imagined her being able to continue to go to church with me.
Early on, Sandi did puzzle books. She also wanted to volunteer helping animals and at a food pantry. When we lived in my car, she did this at fast food restaurants. A few places were more tolerant than others about people like us hanging out at their establishments. One guy, I think the manager, told us we can stay as long as we want, saying that Sandi does her puzzle books and I'm on my laptop.
But she lost interest in doing puzzle books, everything. She didn't even want to play cards. I would read the Bible, The Daily Bread, and summaries of Abie's sermons off the Internet to her. When I was typing, she'd ask "who are you going after now?"
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts"
Sandi could do less and less. It got increasingly harder for her to get around, even with her walker. I pushed her to walk in her walker, even when we weren't going anywhere. At the cancer treatment center, we struggled to get out of the car inside the building. Once she sat down, it was hard for her to get up. One hot day just her treatment, she just wouldn't get out of the car when we got home. I called the police, but I had to write down another number. I decided, after taking occasional short breaks, to try again. Finally, as I was about to give up, a good Samaritan came out of nowhere to help us. He was strong, knew how to lift people and how to talk to them. He seemed to have some training. The good Samaritan helped me get Sandi back in bed. For a time or two, she was able to get out of bed and use her walker.
But that soon ended. Not only could she not get out of bed - she stopped eating and drinking for long periods. I called the doctor. The nurse said that if she stops drinking for too long a period, call 911. She stopped drinking for too long so I called 911. She could hardly talk. She went to ER and then became an inpatient for a couple weeks. I thought it was just another pit stop - as Sandi's been in and out of hospitals for neary three years. It wasn't. Her cancer doctor, who had her back since nearly day one, explained what was happening. No sugar coating.
Sandi was transferred to a nursing home. I was still in denial. Our pastor brought me back to reality when he said "She's dying of cancer."
I never gave up hope.
We live my faith But the faith isn't that God will do everything you want him to do. He isn't the Genie (your wish is my command), but our heavenly father who knows more about what's good for us than we do. We have faith that God will do what's best for us.
I can see, however, some good coming from Sandi going home. People at the homeless meals I started going back to regularly are reflecting on one of their sisters being gone, and maybe thinking about what's really important. Some people from which I had become alienated have reached out to me.
After all he went through
, Job continued to praise God. My heart is broken but I still praise God. God is good, all the time!
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