Christian Living

Love Doesn't Hurt

by Ernesto Aragon
11/21/17
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I remember years ago in my early twenties when I was a bitter man. I had been hurt by many women I tried to pursue relationships with, and that hurt not only turned to bitterness, but it also turned into a desire for revenge. I was a terrible man. I used to try to get women to like me so that I could later ignore them and purposely break their hearts. Why would I do these terrible things? Because other women had done these things to me, and somehow I felt payback was the only option.

I’m embarrassed to even think about the way I used to be, but I think about this sometimes because I’ve noticed that a lot of people are in relationships that are in controlling and manipulative, just like I used to be. A popular saying going around these days is, “love hurts.” The reason people say that is because they’re in extremely unhealthy relationships, and they’ve reduced the definition of love to their experience rather than defining love for what it truly is.

Love doesn’t hurt people. Hurt people hurt people. People who have been hurt will punish the ones they love for all the pain that someone else caused them. It’s a really sick and twisted way of someone trying to protect themselves from getting hurt. People who don’t truly know the love of God will dominate, control, and manipulate their loved ones and then defend themselves by saying that they’re only guarding their heart.

One of the saddest things that happen to people is that they often become a byproduct of their upbringing. What I mean is that many people had abusive parents, and because that’s the only example they saw growing up, they actually believe that abuse and an unhealthy focus on self-protection in a relationship are normal. In a relationship where both people make protecting themselves the main goal, love cannot exist since fear is often the motivation behind self-protection.

Why do we lock house doors at night? It’s not because we just think it’s a fun thing to do, but it’s out of a fear that someone may break into our house when we’re sleeping and steal something. We’re trying to protect ourselves from harm, which is a very good idea. In the case of relationships, protection is not about protecting yourself from your loved one, but it’s about protecting the relationship from people who may want to steal the love and joy you have with your loved one.

Genuine love is a rare thing, and people who don’t know the real definition of love will do anything they can to destroy healthy relationships. They’ll lie, steal, cheat, fabricate false accusations, and do whatever it takes to destroy your covenant relationship with your significant other, brother, sister, father, mother, good friend, etc.

What ultimately changed me from being a bitter man to being the man I am today is by focusing on Jesus and following the example of love that He gave when He walked the earth. Going to church more often didn’t change me. I sat in church pews my whole life, and the only good thing that came from that was that my seat was still warm for the next person who decided to sit in the same place.

The love of God doesn’t come by going to church and sitting in a comfortable chair listening to a sermon every week. The love of God comes when we actually build a healthy community with other Believes for personal growth, and then we actually demonstrate love to people the way Jesus did…without expectation and beyond limitations. Hurt people can change, and when they do, that’s the beginning of a revival that never ends.