"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. 7Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil."-Proverbs 3: 5-7I'm sitting here in the nursing home with someone I'm very close to, who sleeps much of the time and alert and able to talk with me for short, but special times. I have to give her drink through a straw. Today her drinking was off - only a half glass of orange juice. When she drinks, it's sporadic, and often done over the course of 14 hours, my usual daily visit, and she eats like a bird. This is tough. I wish Dr. Frankenstein was here to put life in her! She's dying of cancer.I thought, after her having first the brain tumor, a result of lung cancer, successfully treated, and her lungs and liver cleared after two years of treatment, we were home free, especially after the cancer came back to the liver and was taken out by Opdivo, like Packman eating the cancer away. The cancer doctor was amazed that my close friend survived cancer in the two most lethal places - the brain and the liver. Usually, he said, people only survive a few months after having the brain cancer she had. The past year and 1/2, she became increasingly tired, too tired to go to the community meals for the homeless and needy and to church. It got worse until she couldn't get out of bed, eat or drink, and I took her to ER. Inside, I scream NO! I don't think even Edvard Munch's painting "The Scream" could express my state of mind.Now the brain cancer crept back, and can't be retreated.
For awhile I took her for granted, and even thought I could no longer handle the strain of taking care of her, which I've been doing for 2 1/2 years. Now, I want her to be at least the way shortly after I met her, when she gained 20-30 pounds after I took care of her awhile - up from 80-90 pounds And without the smoking, which she quit after she had trouble getting around.. She's 5 foot four inches tall.I pray to God in the tradition of the serenity prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen.”People from the church I attend tell me it's good that I'm here to let her know that she is loved. Our pastor has stopped in a couple times, read the Bible and prayed. A lot of people have been praying for us - the hosts at churches from the community meals, some guests who go to the meals, other churches. A sister at my church said I should enjoy the time I've had with her.
But still I don't want to accept that. I want this sinful world as I would have it.This is what I am wrestling with.
This is where faith comes in. God made us conquerers, and does what's best for us. I'm trying to let that sink in!