Humor

A Likely Story

by Stephen Kimball 
01/30/17
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Grandpa, he always flirts with women,
And tonight he was on a roll.
The ladies, they don’t seem to mind the attention,
And a funny story told.

“You don’t have a phone?!” she said -
“Just how do you survive?”
“I manage to get along just fine,” he said,
“It’s really not essential for life.”

Arlene was new to his circle of friends
And she didn’t really know him well.
“Pull up a chair and I’ll share what happened,” Grandpa said,
“I’ve got a hard to believe story to tell.”

“For years I had the old flip kind,
For emergencies and the like,
Until last Christmas when I got an ‘I-phone’,
Much to my surprise.”

“My kids went in to give it to me,
They told me I had arrived!”
“Welcome to the 21st century”, they said.
“I sensed I was being patronized.”

“It was obvious my kids felt good about themselves,
I was happy to try my best.
I learned how to dial a number, like pro
And didn’t mess with the rest.”

“How to operate that thing was a mystery to me,
And I swiftly became frustrated.
The learning curve was way too long,
And my enthusiasm quickly abated.”

“One thing I remember the warning said,
It could break if it were dropped.
I packed that away in the back of my mind
And stuck it in my pocket.”

“I took my grandson to the zoo that day
And an idea suddenly came to mind,
They feed the gators at 2:00pm, the sign read
The perfect picture time.”

“We squeezed in next to the girl
Who was throwing in the chicken.
I was trying to get the camera on,
And in the right position.”

“We had an ideal view, just below,
Of those ginormous alligators.
Open mouths, frenzied now,
Ready to eat whatever!”

“When I lost the handle on that phone,
It slipped right out of my grip.
As I watched it go right down his throat,
Like nothing was amiss!”

“I closed my eyes and hoped to God,
That nobody else had noticed.
When I opened them up, I saw my grandson there 
With gaping mouth and eyes wide open!”

“I proclaimed to the girl who was staring at me -
‘Your gator ate my phone!’”
She just smiled and said “It’s alright, sir,
It’ll just pass through him like bone.”

“As I walked away I thought to myself,
I’ve committed the perfect crime.
With a crooked little smile on her face,
Arlene declared, “Honey, you must be lyin’.”

“I tried to tell you it was an unlikely story,
As to why I don’t have a phone.
Meet me again here tomorrow,
And I’ll tell you another one.”

Well, It would seem that old sly dog
Has done it once again.
With his good looks and his charm,
He’s won over a brand new friend.