Christian Living

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My Ocean

Dear Believer,

I find myself wondering how many tears I've cried in my lifetime over this same subject matter, the same old problem. It would add up to a figurative ocean, I think--vast, and broad, and deep. And, like the real oceans, it's full to the brim of things unknown to others, undiscovered by man. And dangers.

When I was young, I thought it was a matter of just waiting. So I watched through the years, as everybody else succeeded in this area.

Watched from the outside, that is.

So this is my ocean, my habitat. I'm lost in a sea of tears, rejected by the world, excluded from the happy majority.

The waiting game has gotten a little old (as have I), and the probabilities have grown slim, even gaunt.

When my mind starts to crave a reason, I'm dropped off with many other believers in BIG QUESTION country. Our humanness makes us ask, "Why?"

More specifically...

"Why, God? Why can't we have children?"

...or "Why won't You heal me from _______?"

...or "Why didn't You protect me from ________?"

Or, in my case, "Why can't I be romantically loved?"

In my conversations with God about this, I've even tried to make it "easy" for Him! I offered to be satisfied with less than others seem to have. I promised that THEN I would shut up about it. Really. I would.

Silence.

Has anybody else out there ever tried to bargain with God? Have you offered Him a discounted version of a request? "75% off! Who can resist that deal?"

And we've had some real "knock down, drag outs" about this one, God and I. Just this summer, a weeping, angry mess of a woman demanded from a very patient God that she had to know why, could not live like this any more without knowing the reason, would have to assume she was a chump for believing in Him if He wouldn't answer or at the very least give an explanation...

Silence.

Believer, if you've stuck with me this far, help me out here.

How do YOU swim in YOUR ocean? How do you keep your faith in Him with no answer (except no), no reason given, just silence?

I can imagine some of the answers coming back to me now on soundless waves.

Prayer. Certainly. I do an awful lot of that. I pray for strength to fight envy, jealousy, bitterness, and resentment. I pray for strength and medical help to fight the recurring depression that has this endless sea as its root cause.

I pray for gentleness and forgiveness toward myself, and I know that might sound odd. As is common, I'm my own toughest critic, and the inevitable answer to the "Why?" question boils down to the ugly, "Well, I'm just not good enough. In some way I can't even put a finger on, I am inferior." Thus, I need to pray that I will recognize those kinds of thoughts and go a little easy on myself!

Another swimming method: Acceptance. Sure. I've accepted this, many times over. Each time I get to the point where I realize I've tossed out the previous acceptance, I eventually get around to accepting it again. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, filed the lawsuit. (Kidding! At least I retain a sense of humor!)

Many other words of advice float toward me: Bible reading. Fellowship with the believers. Counseling. Read Christian materials on the subject. Get over it.

Sigh.

Perhaps I should come to a new conclusion. Look at Job. After all he went through, and all the "advice" he had to endure, God spoke. But, even so, Job was not given a reason for it all. The discussions that had taken place about Job between God and Satan were not disclosed. As far as I can tell, God never revealed to Job that it was a test, that He knew Job would not fail, and that the account of it would serve as a lasting inspiration to centuries of believers.

Remember--Job lost 10 children with no hint from God of "why."

Maybe this is a test for me. Maybe God knows I'll make it through. Maybe others can receive encouragement from me in some way. Maybe God has another purpose I won't know until I meet Him face-to-face.

Meanwhile, I float, I bob, and I pray.

Still Choosing to Trust Him,

Brenda
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Brenda Kern
October 9, 2004

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