Illness

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I don't understand life
And there's so many times I thought I did
I never meant to turn out this way
Now wondering why I was never a good kid

I don't know people skills
I don't know school
I don't know why God loves me
I don't know why I'm a fool

I was made this way?
Why would anyone want me
Some people say I'm cool
But maybe they don't really know me

I ruin lives
I testify
I was caught in the rye
I STILL wish I would die

I love when no one notices
I hate in hidding
My mistakes are like a huge book
With a small, blood red binding

I hate who I am
I might hate who I'll become
I regret what I say
And cry about what I've done

I bleed from life stresses
Sometimes I wish I could
I COULD make myself bleed once again
But that doesn't mean I should

I promised that I wouldn't
And I've kept to my word
But I do break people's hearts
And I'm not a good person despite what you've heard

Not a good person nor Christian
My eyes have focused down
I don't know what to do or say
And my heart begins to pound

My throat slowly tightens
My lungs swell my chest
I'm secretly suffocating
But to live I am trying my best

I DO get down on myself
Sometimes too hard
But how mean and harsh I am..
There's no pureness of words to guard

I guess all I have left to say, is that I am an inconsiderate, selfish, jerk of a girlfriend, friend, daughter, and what ever else I'm labled under. I get myself stuck in situations I can't get out of. I let people push me around and treat me badly because I think I'M wrong. But yet, most of the time, I am. I don't know what to do with my life, and I don't know what I'd do with out Christ or Lance IN my life. I love them and need them.. and if they left me I'd die. I screw up and make mistakes and try not to lie. I screw lives up and say the wrong things. In a way, so to say, I've cut to deep and this is when it starts to sting. It's like vinegar and salt in a wound. I love, but I end up making those people hate me. I don't know what else to say.. I can't help but hate myself. It's unattractive and stupid. But I know it's stupid.. I am stupid.. this is stupid.. and I don't know why I posted this..

Goodnight Dear Lord, have mercy on me and the others in the path of my destruction train.

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