Humor

Tread Lightly in that Sacred Area

by James Snyder 
03/05/16
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Right up front let me say that in no way am I superstitious (knock-on-wood). I am the kind of person who believes in the practical side of life. One plus one equals two and that is the way I like to live my life. No common core math for me. 

I don’t like to propagate the idea that one place is more important than another. I think everything should be on equal standing. If it is good for one person, it may not be good for another person. There is the apple fritters side, then there is the broccoli side and the twain shall never meet.

That being said, a certain issue has developed between the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage and Yours Truly. The area of the issue has to do with sacred areas within our house. She has rules and those rules need to be obeyed, not negotiated.

How many times I have gotten into trouble thinking that her rules were simply approximations that could be negotiated under good terms. Wrong!

Certain areas in our home are considered sacred, at least from her viewpoint. And may the heavens shutter in thunder if I violate one of her sacred areas.

For the most part, it does not really affect me too much. I am glad to stay away from the dishwasher, the washing machine and the dryer.

I’m okay with that.

There was that one time when she was away, I wanted to surprise her by doing all of the dirty dishes. I loaded up the dishwasher, dumped in some soap (How was I to know you were supposed to measure the dishwashing detergent?) and turn the thing on. I needed to run to the store to get something and when I returned the dishwasher was washing the kitchen floor. The kitchen floor was knee-deep in soapy water.

You can imagine the trouble I was in. I had a life sentence adjudicated against me forbidding me to touch that dishwasher ever again. So far, I have been good to that judgment.

Through the years, we have negotiated a little in one area and that is that my study and desk is off limits to her. This has been a great trial on her part. Several occasions she has tried to violate this agreement, but I have always come back with this, “You touch my things and I’ll touch your things!” It has worked so far.

I can understand all of these “sacred areas” in our home. I do not question it in the least, an agreement is an agreement.

I do, however, have some problems with one sacred area in our home. That area is the refrigerator. I have been warned time and time again that I am to “stay out of the refrigerator.”

My defense is simply that I never, ever get “in” the refrigerator. So, technically, I am staying out of the refrigerator.

Ha ha ha. The other occupant of our blissful domicile, however, does not find that in the least bit humorous. At least I try.

It is not that I like the refrigerator so much as I like the items in the refrigerator. Now it is not my fault because if my wife would not put so many delicious things in the refrigerator there would be no temptation on my part. I am never tempted concerning things I do not like.

For example, she has the silly idea that I should be on a diet. Of course, her idea of a diet is a little bit different from my idea of a diet.

My idea of a diet is to watch what you eat.

Her idea of a diet is not to eat certain things.

I am not sure how this can come together because I never eat anything I do not look at first. I am extremely careful of what I put in my mouth. I would simply die if by mistake I put a piece of broccoli in my mouth. So, I watch what I eat.

If my wife would not be such a great cook, I would not be attracted to the refrigerator. The best meals that we ever have are what some refer to as “leftovers.” Nothing is more delicious than these “leftovers” from some fantastic meal that has been prepared.

Sometimes I do not wait for these “leftovers” to migrate from the refrigerator to the dining room table.

Often I will hear, “What happened to that potato salad I had in the refrigerator?”

Well, to be honest, it migrated from the refrigerator to my stomach and all I can say, “It was delicious.”

“Don’t you know,” she will say, “that I was saving that potato salad for dinner tonight?”

If I were not such a wimp, I would say to her, “I saved you the trouble and ate it before hand.” Then I really would be in trouble.

However, sacred is sacred and I am trying to understand that her idea of sacred is what runs our household.

The apostle Paul understood this idea of sacred. “What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?” (1 Corinthians 6:19). 

The most sacred area is my body and if I am a Christian, belongs to God. Violating that sacred area, I am answerable to God.