Humor

In My New Diet All I Lost Was Interest

by James Snyder 
11/14/15
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I lost quite a few things in life, but weight has not been one of them.

I see these commercials on TV where people lost tons of weight and invite me to join their program. Investigating some of the programs I discovered all you really lose is money every month. If there is one thing I do not want to lose it is money.

I never took losing weight very serious. I figure one man’s pound is another man’s jiggle and we sure do not have enough jiggle in this world.

I have bigger problems than losing weight, which I would readily acknowledge is a big problem, but I have been focused on a bunch of other matters. If I kick the can down the road far enough, I never have to deal with it. Right?

What if when we get to heaven, I like to think of this often, everybody is fat? One of my favorite verses in the Bible is, “…all the fat is the Lord's” (Leviticus 3:16). I realize this may be a little bit out of context, but some of us have to get our consolation wherever we can find it.

Then it happened. You know how something happens that you did not plan to happen, but it just happens?

It was after a wonderful supper and I had overindulged as usual, and happen to say out loud, “I sure am stuffed.”

I did not make this remark to start a conversation or to mean anything other than I was stuffed at that time. However, the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage saw it just a little bit differently.

I think this is why men are so reluctant to talk to their wives because everything they say can be taken out of context and usually is. I was just referring to the fact that at that moment I was feeling stuffed. Actually, I meant it as a compliment to her fine cuisine. After all, a compliment is a compliment and should be received as such.

“I think,” she said, staring at me with one of her stares, “that you really are stuffed. Furthermore, I think we ought to do something about it.”

I hate it when my wife says “furthermore” because I do not know exactly what she’s talking about. All I know is what is coming next is going to get me into trouble. Trouble is not my middle name but it certainly is my identification number. Then, this is how women think, when she said, “we ought to do something about it” the emphasis was on the “we.” Whenever a wife says “we,” she is really referring to her husband.

That started quite a conversation about dieting. I say conversation, but actually, it was a very animated monologue of which I was the only audience at the time.

Don’t you love it when people know how to fix your problem? A recent study shows that wives outlive husbands. And of course, the reason is simply that many husbands cannot change the monologue into a dialogue. “Mono,” means one and “dia” means two. But I digress.

My good wife went on talking about a wonderful diet she has had in mind for a long time. In thinking about that, I concluded she thought I was overweight for a long time. The one good thing is that she has not mentioned it before. But now she is mentioning it.

All of the pent-up observations and suggestions about my weight were now coming out in one dynamic monologue. I just could not keep up. It is hard to keep up when you only have two ears.

I could tell she had been thinking about this for a very long time because she had great detail as to what my new diet should be, even calculating how much weight I would be losing if I kept on this new diet.

So far, it was not too bad. I would go on this new diet, lose tons of weight, be healthier, and live longer and the both of us would be happy. What can go wrong with a plan like that? I love it when a plan comes together.

Then she began outlining the details of this new diet. I was going to eat nothing but fruit and vegetables until I had achieved my weight loss goal.

I had a few questions.

“Would you consider an Apple fritter to be a fruit?”

“Is a carrot cake a vegetable?”

These two questions alone brought such a stare from the other person in the room that I melted in complete defeat. Already I was losing. It seems, and I’m learning something new here, one person’s definition of a fruit and vegetable is not another person’s definition.

She began outlining all of the rules and regulations of this new diet and she did it with such glee, in fact, I have never seen her smile more, and it was going to be hard not to do it.

After her plan was firmly set on the table the only thing that I lost was interest in the whole new diet plan.

The Bible has some good things to say about fruit. “Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit” (Matthew 7:17).

It is not so much the fruit on the table as it is the fruit in my life that delights God.