Christian Living

An Afternoon With God

by Michael Wilmot 
09/19/15
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Michael 
Father. I can't live on old manna. I need your voice and presence to teach me. Where should I go, what should I do? Word of God speak!  My heart is troubled and my fear of the future is heavy.  It is hard to breathe sometimes.

I am the captain of a small wooden boat; seeking mercy from your power.
Ivory explodes against the swaying pitched timber.
Keel and stern shudder against the gray sea.
Unbidden, a hoisted banner of dread names me. 

Should safe harbor or azure tempest set my course?
My heart and flesh contend for domain of my soul.  
Fingers tighten on the wheel, legs tense against wind and wave
The heaving deck causes me to waver.

I dare to deny the refuge and draw further into the deep.
For where other will I find you in fullness? How else shall I be proved, exposed and expanded?
Yet the retreat of good against the desire for great remains strong. 

And I tremble.  It is, after all, such a small wooden boat.  

God 

My son, why fear me so?  Who made the air that you breathe or the water that you drink?  Who planted and formed the timber of homes and boats?  Have I not proved my intentions? You delight me, have you forgotten my good servant Job?  

Should I be put to a test of your design? Upon what scale should you weigh me?  Upon whose pivot should I pitch?  Would you accept me if such a task were possible?  Would I not always fail to be I AM for your HE IS? You ask for what you have been given in abounding excess.  Do you truly fear me, or your own reflection?  

Why ask me for what I need of you? Do I lack anything?  What would you ask of me?  Where is your heart?  Where shall I go for you?  What is the secret of your desires?  I am known but you are a mystery to your own mind.

Michael 
How do I trust my desires when I have thoughts of lust, revenge and anger?  My own pleasure is paramount in almost everything I do.  I can claim to do your works for your glory but always I look for a tax, a gratuity for my own pocket.  Am I the wicked that I sense or am I the thing wickedness wants to corrupt? 

There are so many voices in my head, which is yours or mine or the enemy?  Do I even have my own voice or am I just a speaker for others?  You ask me for my desire and I shudder to respond.  Is there an angel on one shoulder or just two demons?  My secret desire is to be significant, an agent for change.  I want to be dangerous and powerful.  But I want most of all to be good and to be true.  I am terrified of becoming another example of a failed or shamed testimony of Christianity.  

God
You are sitting in a creation of my own hand.  This morning I gifted you with a sunrise, deer in the meadow and a vista beyond your ability to comprehend.  Do my works stop with the perfection you see in nature?  Am I barred from the gates of the life of man?  Do you not stand in wonder at the works from mankind?  Their towering buildings, floating palaces of iron, electronic marvels?  These and the endless others were all spun from minds and formed by fingers which I created!  Am I not glorified there too?  Why give me praise for the mountains and withhold from me the computer?  Do you fathom either?  The iron I formed in the earth, and from the earth came man.  Do not be tricked or deceived, these are all works from my hand.  

You are wise to question the motives in your heart.  All things flow from me even the freedom of choice.  You do not always make good decisions and you often defy my will.  This is your right, as it is mine to sit in judgeship.   Did I not teach you how to judge?  You are forbidden from the heart, but not the fruits.  By their fruits you shall know them.  Did you never imagine this applied to your own thoughts, desires and passions?  You cannot put me into a box, I AM is deep knowledge in the riddle of life.  

I AM in your mind.  I AM in your intimate details.  Who do you fear?  I am not your enemy, you once were mine.  Now you are my child. I do not make junk or put my claim on what does not belong to me.  Can you not see the good fruits in your life?  Do you give me all the credit?  Is it beyond me to commend my children?  Do you claim all the works of your daughter and son?  Are they not good fruits from you?  Have you not been a blessing to many others? Do I not delight in your happiness and moments of victory?  Did I ask you to judge your own heart?  

Trust comes hard, I know this about you. Try harder to see my hand on you.

Michael 
I hear your voice, I feel your presence.  We are very close now.  Closer than we have ever been and I have much to learn.  Please teach me more about myself.  You are a generous God and I am overwhelmed by your gifts.  The protection around my family does not go unnoticed nor does the provision.  You have opened doors that I never knew existed.  Employment, ministry, friendships and the new chambers of my wife’s heart.  Her affection for me and mine for her is so much richer than I could have imagined.  We had so many storms and wars but today I cannot find the scars.  Take us even deeper Father.  I am learning so much about you because of her.  Draw us always closer together and closer to you.  

I am seeing now that nothing that I have has come from my own plans or plots.  It has always been your invitations.  My fear is a burden of my own making.  Help me to surrender once again.  How many times have I had this same lesson?  Will I ever fully learn that you are good and eager to be my blessing?  Father forgive me and my weaknesses.  You remind me that “The LORD is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-- of whom shall I be afraid?”

God
Am I empty of gifts and blessing?  Did a bankruptcy take place in heaven?  Are you willing or available for what comes next?  These are better questions than the ones you have been asking.   Michael, my son accept me anew.  Call me anew.  Love me anew.  

I have so much just waiting for your open hand.  I am the author of your epic, you are my child but also my star!  I do not have a bench of second stringers.  I have only “All-Stars” and you delight me.  Play with me and dance as David.  Do not sulk as Job or Jonah for even their story does not end in devastation.  

There will be hard times soon, endure and trust.  I will not fail you or neglect your family.  I know what is coming, it is not beyond me.  Trust me and trust your own self too.  I will equip you for what comes as I have before.  Do you care what happens next or that I am with you when it comes?   Which would you prefer?  A general who sends his troops into battle or one who is leading the way?  Which am I?  Where do you see me?  Go there!  What am I doing?  Do that! 

I cannot be led, only followed.  I cannot be commanded only relied upon.  I cannot be enticed only embraced. 

Michael
Speechless