Humor

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All things being equal, and they are not, certain words gets under my skin. I suppose I could be called a wordsmith because I enjoy words and like finding out what they mean and how they can be used effectively.

As a young person my favorite book always within reach, was Roget’s Thesaurus. I always wanted to the right word, and I was willing to search for it. Some do not believe in synonyms, you have to find the right word.

A love for words is one thing, but what I cannot stand is someone with a dirty and foul mouth spewing out words at random. I hate that with a passion.

Recently, I was away for a convention and when I retired to my room the first night, I settled down with a bowl of ice cream to watch a movie. A movie I had seen on television several times before was playing. This, however, was the uncensored movie edition, I did not quite understand that but I soon had my ears pricked.

As I watched this movie, I notice most of the characters were foul mouthed in every conversation. Every other word was a curse word. This is the reason I stay out of theaters. If you have to use foul language, you are 3° short of intelligence.

Not just foul language that provoked me, but those “clothing challenged” scenes. Why can’t Hollywood , when producing their movies, include in the budget enough money to buy proper clothing? If I want to see bare skin, I will go take a shower. After watching a few moments of this movie, I needed a shower.

Between these two things, I ceased watching this film, if you can degrade filmology by calling this a film.

Profanity is not an acceptable part of my life, and I do not appreciate others exercising their right to profanity while in my company. A little respect, please!

Last week, for instance, I made somebody mad. I forget exactly what I did or did not do to provoke such irate anger toward me. After all, I am a great person when you get to know me. As this person began his rant toward me, I noticed he began using words and phrases that really made little sense and did not fit into the sentences he was using.

He insisted I do something to myself anatomically impossible. Perhaps he did not pay attention in anatomy class in high school.

When I understood what he was saying, I said to him, “How do you expect me to do what you’re telling me to do?”

Looking at me rather inquisitively, he said, “What?”

So I repeated it. “How can I do what you said for me to do which is anatomically impossible for me to do? Don’t you know anything about anatomy?

“What?”

Not only was his language in great deficiency but his hearing was not quite up to par either. Not understanding what I was saying, he got even angrier and insisted again that I do that which is anatomically impossible.

Then he took his rant in another direction, which caused me some real concern. So, in the middle of his rage, I held up my hands and said, “Wait. I believe you got everything wrong here.”

Once more, he stammered out, “What?”

“I’m not who you think I am.”

He stared at me with a confused look on his face and mumbled something I could not understand so I thought this would be an opportunity for me to explain the situation to him.

“Despite my face,” I said as calmly as the situation warranted, “I am not a dog and neither is my mother. What in the world gave you the impression that my mother was a dog? You don’t even know my mother.”

“What?” he said getting red in the face, “I wasn’t talking about your mother!”

“You said quite arrogantly,” I said staring him right in the face, “that I was a son of a female dog and I’m not.”

“Say what?” was all he could utter.

Being confused and not knowing what to do next, he went in another direction and suggested specific travel plans for me in an adamant way that I go to that familiar place, which is really, really hot.

The more I talked with him, or should I say, at him, the more confused he got. I felt sorry for this guy whose vocabulary was limited to greasy slang words that really had no meaning.

I am afraid we have a serious problem, which I call the Irritable Foul-Mouth Syndrome. Let me emphasize the word “irritable.” Nothing is more irritable than somebody trying to get in my face using foul language. Believe me, foul language is for the birds.

For me, the only way to get away from all this irritable foul language syndrome is to go to the Bible. Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, said, “The heart of the wise teacheth his mouth, and addeth learning to his lips. Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones” (Proverbs 16:23-24).

Jesus made it quite clear when he said, “Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man” (Matthew 15:11).

What comes out of my mouth reveals my heart and the kind of person I really am.

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