Kids & Parenting

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Since Crosley came along, I am constantly in awe of the fact that this tiny creature made me a mother and made Tony a father. How can something so small bring such huge responsibility? How can something so helpless make me feel like I have so much worth? How can something so innocent make me so much more aware of my shortcomings?

I have wanted children for as long as I can remember. I always dreamed that my occupation would be "stay-at-home mommy". When I was in college I did not understand why I needed to go to school because all I wanted to do was be a mother, and they certainly don't have degrees for that. I remember my dad saying "Please, just finish your first two years and graduate with your AA." My roommate/best friend can attest...I had NO desire to be a student.

When Tony and I got engaged I would always joke that when we got married I would "accidentally" forget to take my birth control and then, "Oh darn...I'm pregnant." He would always respond with "I'm going to crush up your birth control pills and sprinkle it in your drinks." Touche. Needless to say, I was ready long before he was. When he finally came around and we started trying to get pregnant, I was nuts. I downloaded every pregnancy app I could find. I looked at my ovulation calendar multiple times a day (as if that would change anything), and if we didn't have sex on the days that we "needed" to, all hell broke loose. (I hope my family isn't reading this. I don't want them to know I have sex with my husband). It was constantly in the forefront of my mind. I would take pregnancy tests when there was no way possible they could/would be positive. I couldn't help myself. But there came a time when I realized I was being quite ridiculous. I needed to relax and trust that when/if God wanted me to get pregnant, it would happen. I stopped looking at my apps and calendars, and sure enough about a month later, January 2014, I got pregnant. It was a wonderful feeling and I waited in anticipation for my first doctor's appointment. At the appointment, they told me they couldn't see the fetus, which probably just meant I wasn't as far along as I thought I was. One week later, after two ultrasounds and one blood test, the doctor confirmed there was no baby. It used to be referred to as "blighted ovum", but now it's more commonly known as a different term that is too long for me to care to type out. Basically, the egg does fertilize and implants in the uterus, but it never develops into an embryo. Your body thinks you're pregnant, which is why the pregnancy test reads positive, but eventually your body would realize there is an abnormality and you would have a miscarriage. I had surgery before that happened. I was devastated. On one hand I was thankful that no baby had formed because then I would have actually lost a baby, but on the other hand my pregnancy was over before it really started. Tony and I would have to wait 2-3 months before we could try again. I thought every negative thought and every terrible scenario played in my head. Maybe this is a symptom of my PCOS that I was diagnosed with in high school. Maybe we will have trouble getting pregnant and it will take years. Maybe we will have to adopt. Much like when I was wondering WHEN my pregnancy would happen, now I was going crazy wondering IF my pregnancy would happen. I had to, once again, tell myself it's God's timing, not mine.

As soon as we could start trying again we did. March 2014 we went to visit Bowling Green and the night we got back to Florida, I took a pregnancy test and the result was positive. I remember being happy, but honestly it was not as strong of an emotion as the first time. I just didn't want to get my hopes up. It didn't feel real to me until I saw the tiny dot of a baby on the ultrasound. The dot that wasn't there before. It was my confirmation dot. Now I could stop worrying!! Yeah right. That dot just brought a different set of worries that lasted throughout my entire pregnancy. I loved feeling his movements because they were my confirmation that he was fine in there. I felt a connection to him even without seeing his face. Some people don't and I think that's understandable, but I did. The only thing I knew about him was that he was a "he", (which anyone knew by looking at his gender ultrasound. Geez), that he was going to have my nose (which he does), and that he was mine. God chose this pregnancy, this baby, to be mine. No one else's. Okay, maybe the baby would also be Tony's. If you ask Tony he would say he's not sure because he doesn't think Crosley looks like him at all. Ha!

I'm not sure why the first pregnancy didn't work out, but when I look at Crosley I am so thankful. I know if the first pregnancy resulted in a baby, that baby would be our baby, too and we would love him/her exactly the same way we love Cros. But now that he's here, and THIS is the baby I delivered, THIS is the baby I feed/change, THIS is the baby I rock to sleep, THIS is the baby I play with and laugh at, THIS is the baby I know, I am overwhelmed with thankfulness to God for choosing this baby for us and choosing us for this baby.

Every day on the way to and from work when I was pregnant, this song would come on the radio and I would sing it to Crosley. I LOVE these words:

"Overwhelmed": Big Daddy Weave

I see the work of Your Hands

Galaxies spin in a Heavenly dance oh God

All that You are is so overwhelming

I hear the sound of Your Voice
All at once it’s a gentle and thundering noise oh God
All that You are is so overwhelming

I delight myself in You
Captivated by Your beauty
I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You

God, I run into Your arms
Unashamed because of mercy
I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You

I know the power of Your Cross
Forgiven and free forever You’ll be my God

All that You’ve done is so overwhelming
I delight myself in You
In the Glory of Your Presence
I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You

God, I run into Your arms
Unashamed because of mercy
I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You

You are Beautiful, You are Beautiful
Oh God, there is no one more Beautiful
You are Beautiful, God you are the most Beautiful

You are Wonderful, You are Wonderful
Oh God, there is no one more Wonderful
You are Wonderful, God You are the most Wonderful

You are Glorious, You are Glorious
Oh God, there is no one more Glorious
You are Glorious, God you are the most Glorious

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