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I sometimes struggle with anxiety. It’s something I try to be open about, and I want to keep writing about life in the midst of it. Anxiety, as those who struggle with it will know, is a force that grips you when you wake up in the morning and leads you through an adrenaline charged day, for no apparent reason at all. It’s like having the feeling that you’re about to go on stage when you’re actually just living a normal day.
This last year I haven’t struggled with it much at all, but recently I’ve felt it creeping (charging) back. Because of this I need to rest a lot more than normal. Each evening I crash; trying to rest enough so that I can face tomorrow. My focus is always on what’s next, on looking at what is coming up in the next few days. I think about how I can handle tomorrow, makes plans to make it easier for myself.
But then I stopped to think about what rest actually means.
The first few chapters of the Bible are filled with activity as God creates form and substance from emptiness. Let’s face it, he worked hard. But he doesn’t just move from one thing to the next; these first few chapters aren’t just about activity. Even when the Universe is incomplete and unfinished, God takes time to find satisfaction in what he has accomplished: ‘And he saw that it was good.’
I don’t know about you, but I tend to rush from one thing to the next. I focus on what I am doing in the moment but then forget about it once I’ve moved on. Sometimes people ask me what I did during the week and I can’t remember. If I get through something on my to-do list I then think about what needs to be done next, neglecting to take a moment to feel good about getting it done. If I tidied half the house, I’d focus on the half that hadn’t been tidied.
It’s more than this. If someone says something encouraging to me, I’m grateful in the moment but I move on quickly, not taking the time to really absorb the words. If I do something enjoyable, it’s nice in the moment but then I get back to normal life and forget. Today I bought some new clothes for myself, and afterwards I realised that I had put the bag away and was going onto the next thing I was doing. In short, I don’t make a conscious effort to feel satisfied in things I’ve accomplished, or in good things in general. My rest time is spent looking forwards, and not backwards.
I think for many of us, life is less about the mountain we have already climbed, and more about the mountain we are yet to climb. We want to get to the end of that to-do list. We want to better ourselves. We want to reach the next milestone; to get that promotion, to get married, have kids. We long for a certain level of satisfaction and happiness, and we are convinced the answer lies in the future.
Here’s the thing though. The past is real. The past has happened. It holds substance. I believe that we can find contentment in the present if we learn to reflect and deal with what has come before. To really allow ourselves time to rest in the knowledge of something that we have accomplished. To pause enough to seal the day off; to let it teach us its lessons.
I once heard the story of an African Tribal leader who went on a long journey with a Westerner. At one point the African leader stopped and stood still, for no apparent reason. When asked what he was doing, he replied that he was letting his soul catch up with his body. That is the kind of rest I want. In the midst of mess and unfinished work, I want to take a deep breath, look back on the day, and see that it was good.
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