Grief

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Many years ago I wrote a simple little letter to a close childhood friend but the letter was never mailed. It truly haunts me the reason why. If I remember correctly, we had planned a summer vacation that year. The letter just contained details, dates and where to meet. I remember the "I love you" and I'd be in touch soon. As the summer drew near I had to deal with a family crisis and the vacation plans did not work out. We never got together that one summer so long ago. As it was we spoke a few times on the phone, sent each other our customary holiday cards and then days turned to years and all I had left were childhood memories of them.
What happened to the love we shared? Had old age replaced the childhood love with forgetfulness and empty excuses? How could I just forget the love and friendship we shared as children? Maybe it was just the, “I’ll get around to it” syndrome…but I’ve never really understood the "why".

It was a week or two before Thanksgiving one year when out of the blue I received a telephone call from an old high school friend. After a short hello they asked, “Have you heard? Do you know who passed away yesterday.” My mind went blank. They said the name and my heart went cold. I dropped the phone unable to speak. I sank into an ocean of guilt as my mind filled with fear. Running blindly into my backyard, my face in my hands, I fell to my knees screaming out, “Oh God no…No!
Many memories had long faded away but on that day I remembered a simple little letter I’d written and never mailed. Words that lay so silent upon pale brittle paper. The familiar words echoed through my weathered mind; “Hi Looking forward to seeing you real soon, miss you, love you!”
And how sad that now I would find time to see them again. Yes, I attended their funeral, said my silent good-byes as I looked down upon the powdered covered face of someone I truly and deeply loved.
I thought of all the secrets we shared as children. Times spent together laughing, talking about things to come. We were always there for one another growing up. But as I looked upon their face that day, so still, I couldn’t even cry. Instead, like a statue frozen in silence I stood staring at their empty shell. My heart pounded with grief, I was screaming inside, “Can you hear me? You know I love you!” And oh how I longed to hug them! To look into their eyes again! But the heavy silence stole my breath and I found just enough strength to quietly walk away.

Now, thinking back upon that solemn winter day, I am once again today reminded of one little letter written over seventy years ago. Yeah…I suppose it was only a letter. Not much more than a few words on a piece of paper so trivial at the time. Yet, O’ how they have since made me question the meaning of true love!

Yes I do love you O’ Lord as You hold our trembling hands. And I am forever grateful for the blessings and joys of my own loving family. Yet how selfish had my life had become? Never to stop for a moment to call upon a friend and say, “Hey, remember me? I was thinking of you, I love you!” Instead I let that friendship become a distant memory; a face I could never quite see.
What had this love become and dare I even call this love?

Well, as I lay here today in this smelly old hospital bed staring out the window at snow covered trees, I can clearly remember writing one innocent little letter so long ago. In my prayers God knows how much I truly love them and I find peace and comfort in Him knowing they are waiting for me out there…finally to come home.

All my love,
T. M. Lowry
11/29/1998
Copyright© 2002

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