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– regular young Ozzie teenager. Recently reformed “Hoon in a Hoodie” and former drug addict.
His Mum’s voice
– tinny but audible from the other end of a phone conversation.
– Guardian Angel, dressed as an average WW2 soldier, rifle strapped over his back. Bit of a larrikin, but represents the best, most admirable characteristics of the Ozzie persona. Laconic in
expression. Bluish aura, slight reverb on voice at first.
– sometimes a wannabe Darth Vader or Emperor Palpatine. Dressed in traditional black robes and hood of the Grim Reaper, twice the size of the angel. Voice distorted and reverbs, but speaks in the manner of
a Sith Lord. Armed with large staff that becomes the traditional scythe. Dark aura etc.
- Another addict going through withdrawal.
Johnno lies exhausted on a couch, drinking a health drink, talking on his mobile.
Hi Mum. Yeah, I’m orright I guess, but …Man! … all that detox and Methadone treatment takes it out of ya. I went on that Fun Run over the bridge too. Can’t believe I got though it. The ol’ ticker was, like, full on pumpin’. I was stuffed as.
Mum’s voice: (anxious)
But … Johnnie-love.. isn’t that overdoing it? You’ve gotta be so careful while you’re recovering from….. Yes, yes, I know you’ve changed so much, and I’m so proud and thankful. But… just please be careful, darling!
Johnno: (A bit irritated)
Mum! I know I’ve stuffed up my life, and the body’s a wreck, but … that’s why I gotta get into shape again. Remember what Dad used to say before I took off? A bit of hard work never killed anyone..
(Cut to bedroom scene where J sits up suddenly, clutching his chest. Pain comes to a climax, then he collapses and lies still, eyes glazed, mouth open. After a moment, a glow surrounds the body. Johnno’s soul sits up from where the body lies.)
Hoowaugh! When I get heartburn, I get it bad. (Thumps chest) Feelin’ heaps better now, but.
Hazz: (Voice offstage)
And so you should, mate.
(Cut to Hazz, then back to from Johnno)
Hey! Who are you? How’d you get in?
(Gets up aggressively as to confront an intruder, then stops in his tracks as he notices the Angel’s aura etc. Becomes awestruck.)
W-what are you? How come you’re, like, glowing? Anyone else… ?
(Looks around and notices his dead body for the first time, recoils.)
Bl…(“Bleep!” censored) Hell!!
Yeah, well, let’s hope it don’t come to that.
Johnno: (Confused, panicky)
W-What’s that dead-looking dude doing in my bed? What the Hell’s goin’ on here?
(Steps forward and puts his hand on J’s shoulder to calm him down)
Now hold your horses, Johnnie-boy! You’ll be orright if you just take it easy and listen. There’s a few things ya gotta know.
(Produces a field record pad and starts writing)
Well, for one thing, you’ve carked it, mate. That was you on that bed.
You mean, like, dead??
...As a dodo. Stiff as a stick in a black frost.
(Trying to come to terms with the fact. Looks at himself, his dead body in awe. Whispers.)
I’m so not into this. I’m dead?
(preoccupied with paperwork)
So, like, who are you?
(Puts his paperwork down and salutes in mock-military fashion)
Hazaliah, Angel, First Class, Cloud 14 Division, Australia Corps, at your service! (Relaxes) Call me Hazz.
I’m your minder, mate. I’ve been hangin’ around for yonks -- before you was knee-high to a grass-hopper. I was with your gramps…
(points to family photo on the wall - grandfather hilighted)
…saw him in action at Tobruk. Proudest moment of his life, that was. Good bloke. That’s why I wear this gear, to remember him by.
(Light dawns, almost excited)
A guardian angel -- just like Mum said! Totally Coowall! But.. like..
you’re an Ozzie soldier!
What’d you expect? A blond sheila? Too conspicuous for field work, mate. (Seriously) Nah. We take on the best aspects of those we protect. And I’ve been with you lot for as long as there’ve been Aussies.
Awesome! … But, aren’t you supposed to wear, like, …..?
(gestures to indicate a traditional angel’s nightie.)
Nah, mate. It’s in the wash. Only worn for special occasions -- Christenings and Bar Mitzvahs and such.
Oh! And ..er..what about….?
(gestures to flapping angel’s wings.)
The aerial transfer gear? Yeah! Standard issue, mate.
(Opens shoulders and a magnificent pair of foldable aircraft wings fold out from his back – 3D modeling similar to Buzz Lightyear’s wings. Traditional wings acceptable.)
A bit of orright, eh? Saves a heck of a lot of trampin’.
(Recalls his duties, clears throat, allows wings to collapse into his back.)
But I’m not here to big-note, we got urgent stuff to get through.
(Picks up report, examines it carefully.)
Hmmm. (Whistles.) Tell ya what, Johnno, you’re only getting’ in by the skin of your teeth!
(Head in his hands.)
Tell me about it! I was off me face half the time. How could I’ve been such an idiot?
(Looks up reverently.)
But at least I got one thing right.
You did that, Johnno. First time you listened to me in your whole life.
(Presents a form from his field pad.)
Can’t get away from the paper-chase, even for us field units. Better sign this and keep it on ya, otherwise we’ll be in more strife than Ned Kelly stuck in his armor without a can-opener.
Roaring and thundering offstage right. Johnno spins around, wide-eyed.
Uh ..Oh! We might be in for that anyhow! Keep behind me, Johnno.
(Hazz jumps the bed and whips out his rifle, takes grim defensive position.
Death appears through the wall. Thunder effects etc)
Who dares steal my prey?!
(Sees Hazz and laughs.)
So! We meet again, Hazzaliah - for the last time!
Well, Well! Look who’s here! Daft Fader!
Do not dare mock Me, pathetic little sprite! Your protégé, by his own actions has doomed himself. You cannot stop me now. His precious little soul is Mine!
(Holds bony hand out to Johnno)
Come, Jonathan! Come feed the fires you built for yourself.. It is your dessstiny.
(Steps between them.)
You got Buckley’s, No-face.
Fool! You interfere? Then you die!
(Strikes the floor with his staff, and a light-sabre-like scythe blade appears on the end.)
I got a baaaad feeling about this.
You call that a blade? Now ..
.. is a blade.
(Pounds floor with the butt of his rifle and a comparatively small bluish light-sabre bayonet appears on the end. Points it at Death who laughs uproariously.)
O my little Hazaliah! You disappoint me. Surely you can do better than
How’s about this then?
(Fires a volley of blue fire from his rifle. Hits Death in the chest who falls back in surprise.)
(A little more respect in his voice.)
How did you win that much fire-power?
From Johnno here. All you can see are the times he blew it. Get it through your bony skull that he ain’t your plaything no more. Now, nick off!
D: (growing in size)
Not without his soul! The power I wield is the sum of his own mortal sins. Behold that power!
(Points scythe at Hazz, sending bolts of lightning. Hazz flies backwards but then wards it off with his bayonet, he retreats round the bed close to Johnno.)
You Okay, Hazz?
Yeah, I'm orright. Caught me nappin' then, but she'll be right. Happy little vegemite, aint he? But I can’t hold him off for too long, mate! I need more ammo real quick. The ball's in your court, mate: Say what ya did last week. Tell ‘im, out loud, what happened to ya.
But.. Hazz! That’s, like, real personal stuff.
Ha! Now I understand. You have become
, and you are
to say so.
No way am I religious! Them cool dudes from Teen Challenge dried me out and showed me the way outa the **(Bleep)*** I’d got myself into. That’s when I met
... you know.
Say it, mate! Say His name!
Don’t say it, young fool!
Well .. J.C!
(Hazz’s gun glows with power)
Close enough! You’re a champion.
(Reloads and fires again)
(Smacks against the wall, but recovers, panting.)
Jonathan! Do you really think you can get into heaven, just with a last minute recant, groveling before our greatest Enemy? No, years of sin have ruined your chances of heaven my little one! You belong to ME, now.
(Wheedling voice, holds out his hand invitingly)
Come with me, Johnnie my boy. Remember, you promised your friends that you would meet them down below, to stoke the fires.
H: (To Johnno)
Yeah, but which end of the stoker would you be on? It’s no party down there for your friends, trust me.
(Trembling, bows head in shame)
It’s no use, Hazz, he’s right. All those years of stealin’ and dealin’, drugs and booze …and what I said to Mum and Dad .. and what I done to Jodie, worst of all. Hell’s all I’m fit for.
Victory! Come with me then, hopeless little soul.
Now hang on a minute, that’s only half the story. Aren’t you forgetting how them lost years have been paid for -- by the Chief Himself. He saw the potential in you -- and He was spot on. Remember what you done for young Kyle just last week.
In a dirty, dingy room or back alley, Kyle is on all fours, coughing and gasping, Johnno kneels next to him, arm on his back.
Kyle: (In agony)
This is bull**(Bleep)**. I so can’t do this! I’m totally gone! I’ve tried to get this monkey off my back for so long, but the craving’s too heavy, man.
No way! That’s what I thought too, but I’ve been off the stuff for 4 months now.
(Looks up at Johnno in awe)
Yeah, dude. You was hooked worse than me. How’d you do it?
Well, it weren’t me. I guess it musta been
.. well ..God.
K: (Looks away)
Ah, don’t give me any of that religious ****(Bleep **.
No! It’s not religion at all! It’s the real deal. Them dudes from Teen Challenge got me through cold turkey, then told me all about Him. Once I learned to get high on Him, I could handle the cravings. He so totally rocks!
It so works, man! C’mon, let’s flush that stuff down the bowl. If I can get through it, so can you. And hey! I’ll be here for you, bro, for as long as it takes.
You’d do that, huh? Yeah, you’ve full-on changed, man.
Cuts back to main scene.
How pathetic you humans are. Do you think that one insignificant selfless act will save you from a lifetime of self-centredness?
Insignificant? Time don’t count here in Eternity, but it’s a fact that Kyle becomes one of the greatest helpers of all time to addicts. Because of what you done, Johnno, hundreds of kids won’t go down the tube.
Makin’ good waves! Awesome! I see it now! Even though I blew it bad, and I deserve to get hell, J.C. took the rap for me, and made me into heaven material! This is sooo coowall!
(Gun begins to glow with even greater power)
(Points scythe at Haz, but blade fizzes out. Pounds the floor desperately)
C’mon! Fire up, you stupid stick!
(Reloads, aims and fires a huge blue missile at D, knocking him through the wall with a wailing cry, fading into the distance.)
(High fives with Hazz)
Well, that’s him done and dusted for a while. Now we better get you outa here before he tries again.
(Hazz whistles at the ceiling. A glowing wormhole appears through the ceiling.)
But, like, how do I work this thing? Is there a lift button or somethin’? Looks a bit scary.
(Positions J under hole and stuffs form in his pocket.)
Don’t stress, mate. I’m tellin’ ya, this is a better high than you’ll ever get down here.
(Looks at J a moment, then holds out his hand)
Have a good one, soldier. And you know what?
J: (Grasps H’s hand)
Yer grandfather’d be proud.
Ya think so? Hey! You so rock, Hazz! Thanks heaps for all you done. You comin’ too?
Nah. Got another assignment. Catch you later at Big Pete’s Barbie at the Pearly Gates, but. They always throw one for the newbies, and their sossos taste like .. well, Heaven.
(Beams of light form around J as Hazz steps back)
There ya go! Cheers, china!
(Thumbs up and winks as J goes through ceiling.
Cut to wormhole, J swirls around inside it wailing and woohooing like he’s on a Luna Park ride. Scene is gradually consumed by a blinding light at the end of the tunnel.)
Copyright © David Butler 2007 Edited by Alvin Rendell, Tutor, College of Creative Arts & Technology
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