Healing

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What had happened to me? For many years I had found myself clinging to one person or another to find my security. I would be drawn to a person who I thought would make a wonderful friend and then I would end up pushing them away because I hadn't learned boundaries. That everyone needs space emotionally as well as physically and spiritually. People would push away 'to help me' it would tear my heart up even though I knew they did it in love. Things I would hear would be : " You are relying on me to much emotionally" or " You need to let God be your security or stability" or some such comment. In my heart of hearts I knew this to be true. I knew my issues with co-dependency and abandonment read like a
bad psychology magazine on depression and loneliness. So what was I supposed to do? I would find myself spiraling into despair for weeks at a time because I had set my heart on this or that person. This is simple to diagnose. It is called idolatry.
It can seem so harmless, right? We are called to love one another and fellowship with one another. Also to bear one anothers burdens. Yes...this is certainly true. We are also called to love the Lord our God with all our hearts, our minds, and all of our strength. Hmmm. If I am focusing my energies on a few people and find myself spinning into despair when I feel that I have been rejected or abandoned by them then obviously I am not loving the Lord my God with ALL my heart ALL my mind and ALL of my strength. I am idolizing a human being! A created being and NOT the Creator the Lord who made the being.
So what did I do about it? Well, first of all I made some space. I found I didn't want to be around people for awhile. I'd been burned pretty badly. Not a bad thing always. I knew that I needed to get away and be quiet before Him. This was and still is a slow process. I don't settle down very easily in my mind. Silence used to scare me. Now I welcome times where I can be to myself and just enjoy His presence. Secondly, a book called "Boundaries" by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend has been occupying much of my reading hours it covers boundary struggles and issues I highly recommend this book if you or someone you know is having boundary problems in any manner whatsoever. Finally, I forced myself to associate with people to develop my boundaries and learn better ways to deal with people and enjoy their company.
Through this entire heart-crushing process (which I am still in the midst of by the way), I have begged God to 'just get on with it please!' and to fix me now let me be perfect now! It hasn't happened yet and I thank Him. WHAT?! Thanking Him for the pain you say? Well, sometimes. Apparently pain helps us know something is wrong and that something needs changing. What would I learn if it was just all fixed everytime I asked for it to happen that way? Scary thought. How much more lazy would I be mentally and spiritually? I don't like the pain of it mind you but in the past week I've learned you can despise something and still go through the lesson so you don't have to be drug back into it kicking and screaming to just 'go round the mountain' one more time.
The most important lesson I learned was an answer to the question "Where do I take all that frustrated love and pent up emotion what can I do with it that is the right thing?" About 2 weeks ago I was at church and finally the answer lodged right in my heart and I did something I hadn't thought about before. I had heard about directing your love to God through worship and enjoy worship immensely and interacting with God through worship. However, this time something different happened. I had a picture in my head of all that stored up pent up love and frustration in it's rawest form with no where else to go. I directed it in it's rawest and most desperate need to the one for whom it is intended in the first place. My Creator. My Sustainer. The one who can take that kind of love. Human beings are not built to contain that kind of love or be able to when it is directed toward them.
That desperate raw need is reserved only for God. Don't try to direct that to a person or you may push them away or committ idolatry. Don't try to direct that to money, or things, or you will be disappointed everytime. Direct it to the King of Love and you will know a safe repository and target for your wildest, rawest, needs emotions and love. Don't worry...He can take it.

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