Humor

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There are all kinds of studies out there usually done by people who have nothing more important in the world to do. It is amazing how they come up with these various topics and studies. There must be somebody somewhere, being paid to come up with the most ridiculous studies they can think up.

Usually, I do not pay much attention to these surveys. I have more important things to do… like living! However, this one caught my attention right away. The title of the study was, "Women Live on Average Four Years Longer than Men."

I was afraid the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage would see this study. My fears were allayed when she brought the subject up and drew my attention to it.

Rather smugly, she said, "Look at this article. It says that women live longer than men."

I was not quite sure what I was in for but I knew I was in for it. Throughout the decades of our relationship the word "it," has come to mean a variety of things. I never know the definition of "it" until after the incident, which puts me in a great disadvantage.

For example, I know I am in for "it," when I come back from the store without the main reason she sent me to the store. The "it" is a tongue lashing on the merits of getting everything on the list she puts there. According to her, the items on the list are not suggestions but are put there for a purpose and that purpose being me purchasing said items when I go to the store.

I know I am in for "it," when I lollygag (a word she uses often when speaking to me) in the backyard instead of getting to the business at hand of mowing the grass. In this occasion, the "it" is a tongue lashing on the merits of mowing the grass in a more timely manner.

I know I am in for "it," when I fail to do anything on her "honey-do-list" when she is away for several days. The "it" is a tongue lashing on the merits of doing at least one thing on that list before her return.

When I look at it from this light, it seems to me that more often than not, her definition of "it" is a tongue lashing.

Getting back to women living longer than men do, I was tempted to opine that the reason is they work men to death. However, I knew if I said that I would really be in for "it."

Being experienced in husband-lore, I smiled and simply asked, "Why do you think that is, Honey?"

I never really understood this matter of "the birds and the bees," until I got married. Wives have their "honey-do-lists" and husbands defer to his better half as "Honey." It does not take a birdbrain to figure that one out.

"I'll tell you why that is," my wife said with great feeling. "The reason women live longer than men is that men don't have enough work to do."

Then she threw an old quote that I have heard all my life, “Man works from sun up to sun down, but a woman's work is never done."

I could have said that men do not lollygag around, but just get to the job at hand and gets it done. I knew if I responded like this I would really be in for "it."

"Another thing," she said with a smirk, "the reason women live an average of four years longer than men is it takes that long to clean up the mess men have made after they die."

There are arguments you cannot refute and then there are arguments you should not refute. I am not sure which category this one fell under but I knew I needed to have a "golden" moment.

Of course, it is hard to argue with statistics. The cold hard facts are that women do live on an average four years longer than men.

If the wife works outside the home, she still has to work inside the home. The man, on the other hand, works outside the home and "lollygags" inside the home. I'm not sure why this is but this is a point on her side of the chalkboard.

There was a time in our marriage when I was out of work and my wife was the primary breadwinner in the home. At that time, I took on the duties of the house and the care of the children. After one week of her coming home to my home-cooked dinners, she graciously assumed the responsibility of cooking supper for the family each night when she got home. It was not a matter of convenience but rather of survival. To say I was a bad cook is to denigrate the word cook.

I do not know if this longevity is different between a single woman and a married woman.

If anybody was an expert on wives, it has to be King Solomon in the Old Testament.

"House and riches are the inheritance of fathers: and a prudent [understanding] wife is from the LORD." (Proverbs 19:14 KJV)

"Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD." (Proverbs 18:22 KJV)

Perhaps the primary reason women live longer than a man is that women lie about their age. But you didn't hear it from me.

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