Christian Living

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The truth is I live my life in fear and I’m betting you do too. What am I afraid of? I’m afraid of getting close to others. I’m afraid of letting them in my heart. Why? Because I’m afraid of the tearing pain when they leave me – and they always do in one way or another. There it is: I’m afraid of being abandoned and ignored. There's nothing more lonely than being in a room full of people (people who know your name, not total strangers) and feeling entirely invisible. So I keep them all at arms length, it's safer that way.

Problem is this fear doesn't just apply to people, deep down it applies to God too. I don't spend time with Him like I want to because I’m afraid that when I get alone to meet with Him I'll really just be alone – no one there waiting for me with arms open wide. I’m afraid that when I stop o listen for His voice I'll hear nothing but silence. And yet I’m hungry and thirsty for my God. Already I ache to feel His presence. Already I want so much more than this and I’m afraid. I’m afraid that when I come to Him, He won't want me near Him after all. He wouldn't be the first one to run from me.

All this fear in my heart despite everything He's said and done to the contrary. Things like, “I will never leave you, I will not abandon you (Hebrews 13:5).” and “I will never turn away anyone who comes to Me (John 6:37).” These verses and others are my favorites precisely because they show my fear for the lie that it is (as it applies to God anyway), and that fear is the result of the enemy twisting my deepest desire. I want to be close to others and no one more than my God. Is it even possible for me to want to be closer to Him than He wants me to be? Did He not say, “no one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws them to Me. (John 6:44)”?

Oh, God, time and again You've proven my fears about You to be all wrong! How many times must You call to me? How many times must You invite me to come, assuring me that You love me and long to hold me? How many times before it saturates my heart so that no lie can ever take hold again? But I know that You don't mind calling me again and You don't mind reminding me of Your love as often as necessary.

You say to me, “Beloved, I understand the fear in your heart and I understand the pain. After all, I've been abandoned , rejected, and betrayed too. This pain is all that you've known apart from Me and it is part of the fallen world that you live in. I can soothe the pain, heal your heart, and protect it, but first you must be brave and take a step of faith. Step into My waiting embrace believing that I will do as I have promised. As you wait in My presence My love will flood your heart and drive out all fear and you shall know the Lord and the heart of your God.”

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