Healing

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July 15, 2014
I find writing such as this (again) to be humiliating. Which leads me to believe that there is still pride lodged somewhere deep within me. With this understanding, this hostile feeling must be torn out. What makes this much more difficult, is that I must do it, and without anesthetics. It is known I cannot communicate very well with my mouth. A weakness I never understood, but has been transfigured into something worth more than my own understanding. In reality, it is writing that can travel much further than any sound a human voice could possibly convene. I never specifically asked for this, nor do I have the slightest clue when it is time to write again. It is once again, the only satisfying aspiration that has any significance. It is truly the only "thing" I have poured my heart and soul into. All because of faith I have never let go. There is no doubt this will agitate some people and I am the last person with such intentions. I would normally apologize, but such a confession could not be tortured out of me. The acceptance from others is slowly dwindling. Everything I have went through has been confirmed in the Bible. It is now official, I must write. I have felt a hint of God's love in very brief periods recently. It is all I crave, nor will I stop my labor. The closer I get to You, the less mental weight I bare.

With each tormenting wave of memories and confusion strike, I am propelled closer to Jesus.

As for my most recent blessed experience addressed in the previous writing. I am also one who did not go without fault and bred anger. We have all hurt others, whether intentionally or unintentional. I have without a doubt, that all those involved, are virtuous humans... capable of inflicting mistakes. Who can boast about not feeling turbulent towards another and actually acting on it?



July 21, 2014
I must finish something I started years ago. It was only because of my self-centered nature that I allowed hollow worldly distractions to intervene. Recent events slowly begin to revise itself into an epiphany. It was only my desire for love from another that knocked me down, only to make me realize, just like everything else, it is temporary. Sadly, this is not just one but several similar events that have transpired. It is now, beyond coincidental. The more exertion I put forth to learn more about God, the more there is to write. It is in that exact moment I want my life to revolve around God. Only to come to the realization that it is indeed Him, who has been revolving around me this entire time. It is then, that the confusion, challenges, and temptation are thrown in there to counter-balance this revolution. On the contrary, I now have a fighting chance against it. This just requires throwing myself off my "high chair."

The Bible claims God is love. Is love not a desire we all find impossible to covet? Who can actually declare they have no need for such a "feeling"? If you are familiar with love, you can and will be susceptible to suffering. We cannot all just run into death at the same time. Our love for one another will no doubt end in pain, be it under dissimilar circumstances. In this life, we are left in a temporary vicious cycle for our own vulnerability. It is in that weak spot that gives us a purpose to life. It is love that can both shred us apart and construct us at the same time. Which leads me to believe, without a doubt, that God is everywhere.



July 25, 2014
Through my experiences, it were in those life altering paths that incensed moral decisions. These adventures when confronted with the most painful, disturbing, and seemingly malicious treatments... were the most comforting. Be it only when smote senseless and with discarding my very own free will to stand at attention of God. By living unrelenting within my own comfort and means, I have attempted to watch cautiously for His will from any moment, from any unknown corner. It was then I turn my left cheek in search of this "danger," only to be struck on my right cheek. Considering this has not been the first neither the second time this has occurred, all I have now is a desire to crawl through what field of filth I walked into myself to find Jesus. There is a feeling of obligation to till the dry soil I was, only in hopes for You to take root in me. It is the wisdom You have left me to endure without Your presence. Except, You have pulled what has hindered me most (in Your eyes), and given me armor to resist the fiercest of temptation. It was up until now, after unrelenting dredging, that God is giving me weapons.
I have often wondered why God, being proclaimed Almighty and Creator of all things and with unimaginable power and love, could so few people walk through His gates. Has there ever been a tyrannical and oppressive leader or ruler to be considered so magnificent, but only in those being ruled by obligation? What is to be of love if it is forced upon us? The meaning of love being lost through pride and power. With the free will God has given us, it has been bestowed in our life for our choice of His mercy and eternal love. Truly, a perfect leader is the One who has the power to create and destroy at any moment, yet has patience and gives us the option to love Him.



July 27, 2014
Let's for a moment illustrate in contrast of humans and automobiles. Since oil being the "lifeblood" of it's internals, that if it were not changed, would eventually breakdown into a useless and massively overkill paperweight. Rendering this contraption useless, as opposed to it's original intended purpose since it's manufacturing. We must change it's oil to remove the impurities it has accumulated over time and use. Now, it is obvious the heart of this machine must be halted for this to happen. Unlike cars, we can regenerate our own blood (in due time). What makes this more interesting is we can, in times of need, use external sources of others naturally produced blood. That is after it has been screened. But we must still be alive, or at least have what is most vital to keep beating. Other than stories we have heard of miracles of people coming back from death; they all have one thing in common. A white light. But that is not the intended purpose of this writing. Point being, our blood has potential to carry diseases and just as used oil carries unwanted impurities. Without this mandatory life giving liquid, there is death. In a worldly point of view, the Son of God came and went. Whose innocent blood was literally pulled from His body by resentful hands for not following the laws man had created. His blood, for our spiritual transfusion, is for our deliverance and intentional purpose. At times, it could take a near death experience to accept this, but it does not have to be such an extreme scenario. The miracle is, we can change our own "oil" through Christ, without shutting down to remove our impurities.

Speaking of cars... we as humans, are like a car. With the acceptance of Christ, let's just add a bolt on with forced induction also known as a supercharger at no initial cost. We shall call this supercharger the Holy Spirit. With this gift, we are now capable of driving at much higher and more dangerous speeds. But it is not intended to be us in the driver seat. It is the faith we need to jump in the passenger seat, and let Jesus take the wheel to accelerate down our destined path with us not having the ability to see around the next corner. With the slightest hunch of discomfort and fear, we pull the emergency brake and slide off course at an extremely costly speed. Is there a more tragic way to smear the name of Christ for the bystanders watching with doubt or malevolence? With all the red hot screaming twisted metal flying through those bystanders, who is the first to be blamed? That would be the driver first assumed guilty for our mistake. And in various degrees depending on how much speed we previously were going. To those who appear the closest to God, when at fault, it is his/her beliefs in Christianity that are initially attacked.

Christianity is like a wonderful movie with an inspiring plot and pure substance, but can be ruined with bad actors.



July 28, 2014
To even think of those who personally know me, to even consider me a preacher, is beyond unnerving. I only wish them to know that I am simply a human just as they are. I cannot figure out why it is so terrifying to me when those whom I used to party with and so heavily drink around, just a few weeks ago, are reading these writings. What is the point of writing for You, if there is to be no outward expression of joy in me for others to witness?! It is physically impossible to fake such a wonderful feeling. The analogies You have recently given me, do not seem to make sense when written. Not just that, but in the midst of being written, at that very moment I attempt to prove Your love and truth, I hit a brick wall. The words being written cannot compare to what You have said to me. There is not even a sense of fulfillment after being written! I have been completely exhausted in regards to my nonstop search for Your love and mercy. I have been spiritually running in Your direction to an unknown destination with only a ten minute water break between each twenty miles of sprinting. I have no doubt and through faith, this will be for my spiritual benefit. My emotions are screaming at my Holy Spirit for some type of encouragement, so that I am not singled out by the wolves. There is not even the sound of a cricket. Must I hang my flesh out for their target practice? To have a clear mind, I do avoid alcohol, which renders me awkward and practically handicap in social situations. I may never know why You made me this way. There will be no intentions for this to be posted... at least not at this current time.
I do not own a desire to rile guilt with anyone. I do not judge, even when tempted. It is the love I have for those I know, that is being finely dialed into the truth. Sensitivity is being amplified to their well being. You have given me the most non confrontational personality, yet it feels like that is exactly what You want me to accomplish. I am waiting.



Aug 3, 2014
Be it so, those 40 days that appear to play some significant role in the Bible. I can only pray, this will be new beginnings I have been hoping for. There is that pestering feeling of doubt that runs it's nasty course in the back of my head. But I do not doubt that there is a transformation ensuing inside me. Day by day, there is something dying. I feel punishment would not be the right word to hold it's prosecution against my own trials and tribulations in this particular scenario. There is not an hour that goes by without a thought of Jesus, unless you count my slumber. If that is the case, that might explain why I can only remember so vividly; the nightmares.

I only fear the end result of those 40 days. To even see if there is to be a result, or an answered demand to my one and only plea. To ignite my Holy Spirit. Is there is to be no such answer, I fear more catastrophe is well on it's way. In this case, I cannot figure out, if I am putting out the fire or attempting to ignite my own.

Yet, I am learning to upload every ounce of my trust, love, and faith into the Creator of life and matter. What makes this more difficult is the majority of my fuel to my desire, is fear. I do believe the God given lesson of patience will play out it's enduring route, and with me somewhere within it's trajectory. I am still learning and evolving into "something" more significant beyond my understanding.



Aug 15, 2014
This will without a doubt, leave me completely exposed. For some reason, my heart is without any form of communication with my mouth. There is only so much suffering I can hide inside... which only leads me to my keyboard. Since I cannot communicate deeply with another mortal, this is my only option. I would rather wait for an awakened Holy Spirit than write again. I feel that there is to be no good that would come forth from another person, even if I had this ability to transfer my feelings of distress. Who am I to think another person would understand this incapacity of deep communication I've been dealt with. I believe it to be more absurd than they would. God has backed me into a corner. Most of my desperate unanswered prayers seems as though they would have been better directed towards my wall. I cannot mentally think of anything else to pray for. How about comfort? Not happening. What about peace? On rare occasions this blessing comes but it makes sure it does not wear out it's welcome. I have even asked how I can glorify God. Maybe volunteering somewhere? It gives a lovely thought, but that requires finding new social skills that don't exist at this moment. Who or what can I give help to, if I am also in dire need of it. There is a constant battle between heart and mind. For the life of me, I cannot figure out which thought is coming from which source. The constant confusion only seems to scramble rational thoughts. I do not doubt I am growing spiritually but it is costing me great strife with my lack of patience. With a broken spirit, there is no professional humanly help with the exact antidote. I again, find myself in the waiting room to see the One who created me.
I can say, what I have learned thus so far. I can easily love another person without fear. Yet, with the smallest fracture of this feeling without fear, it is easily ripped apart even with just a small transgression on my heart. Leaving me again, in this vicious cycle of searching for my own treasure of happiness rather than looking towards the Heavens. I have put myself in another squeeze of either a temporary satisfying period of contempt, or to find the power of forgiveness. This forgiveness does not exist within me, if I am to be flying solo. Leaving me no choice but to crawl back to God and ask for the power to forgive. It is in that moment, a mask of evil can be mentally torn off an individual and suddenly discover again the beauty of this creations Creator; or the Creator's creation. What righteous foot could I possibly stand on to rebuke this human?! When it was I, who once wore this mask. That ability God has given me to love without fear, I only curse myself by giving such frail love out rather than focus it all on the Source.



Aug 21, 2014
Since these deep and intricate words appear to be sprouting forth with meaning and seemingly coming to life. I feel as though God wants me to dump my personal garbage out for all to see. This is about my recent past obviously. A story only a few have known about with such shallowness because I did not want to bring the true air into this abyss I was confronted with. Sympathy was something I did not want from others.
Last year, I was out of a fresh relationship. It didn't register to any significant degree on my scale of suffering due to the fact, I had started disconnecting myself late in the relationship. It was that point in my life, I decided, that it was time to spend my attention and concern on myself. To build my own peace, save money, stay healthy, and without any intentions of being involved in any affairs with others or hold any desire to build a relationship with the opposite gender. That was exactly what I had accomplished. I even managed to quit smoking.
Several months of this contentment ran it's course. Without warning, or any signs of foretelling of a change in my peaceful endeavor... here comes another lady. After several weeks of conversation, we finally met up. It was obvious she was into me. I even told myself to stay away and refrain from any involvement. After a while of getting to know her, how could I obey my own command when she appeared to be that missing tooth to my rattling yet functioning gear? I could only say "no" so many times to something that appears to be just right. I was helpless.
Within a flash, she is gone. I did not try to hold on because I knew it to be futile. If pain could be weighed, I was a few grams shy from raising a white flag. It was barely enough to bring a knee to the ground. It was then, I was infuriated with God. I made that very clear through my prayers and my future actions. It's as though He purposely violated my weakness and personal peace in disguise to implode it from within. Through my lack of understanding or to find reason of this, I turned my back and sprinted towards earth-like pleasures. I'll admit, I met some extraordinary people but it pleased me more to fulfill this with quite a bit of alcohol. I simply used alcohol to adjust my thorn to a more comforting debilitation and to grant my own enjoyment. I never turned into an alcoholic, but I was well aware I was on that downward slope to becoming one and God was not going to have that. I did things I normally wouldn't have done if I remained with my peace. In other words, I partied, and I partied hard. I managed to slip in a few prayers here and there as a year of this flew by. No longer had any anger at God, but that didn't change the fact He was still facing my back.
This limited time of anger was due to me attempting to take hold of and to attempt reason with my own delusional and limited understanding. This story was merely a warning shot compared to what is going to take place after a year of partying. On that day (7-12-14), that shot, was aimed directly at my heart, and God did not miss. It isn't until now, how much I discovered how unreliable and dangerous my understanding is when it attempts to dominate the importance of a loving spiritual complexity. I had God somewhere scattered within my list of priorities. He did not approve. He simply wanted me, more than I wanted Him. The travesty of all this, is I was well aware of my distasteful actions I had been doing all along.
God's most recent "gift" to me was a loaded potent batch of misery tightly packed with pain wrapped with beautiful ribbons and bows. He knew I would put my hope in this "gift," and that I would not turn my back on it. As time putters by, with the pride and resentfulness being bled out from me, this misery gift has created a blast crater for God's love to take root deep through my dry egoistic soil to new soil rich with minerals.



Aug 22, 2014
Without anger or resentment, my past memories are being built with God's wisdom into experiences. That is, until they are under siege from my own attempt to understand or to even ask the question; why? My present, when viewed as blessings from the past, are opportunities for the future... and to the future, there is nothing short of glory. But I cannot figure out what to do with a specific tragic memory. I have asked God to take away the anger and my wish has been replaced with peace. The memories though, remain as pain. Does this mean I am to keep forgiving again and again when my mind forces my heart to walk over this memory of scorching coals time and time again? Am I to forgive again to someone who has only once caused archaic division within me? No doubt, there is peace, but only when I don't attempt to put any mentality of reasoning on my understanding. This "want" to understand has become a dangerous mirage of hope. Leaving me to lose faith in myself and to give it to God. Many times, my feelings, intellect, imagination, pride, and rational thoughts have all come to blows against my faith. None were killed, but were temporarily hushed by faith. This same faith being tried over trials of testing, not by it's amount of quantity. There is plenty to scrape by. It is the quality that is being stretched to divine limits. I have recently wondered, how can I fight my personal spiritual battle in a field unknown to me of it's location or of limited intelligence of my enemies unpredictable and deceitful powers against my soul. This must be where I let go of my life?
Too many times have I attempted to be the captain of my vessel only in search of a steadfast and calm sea. Every time it is without success and that I ultimately run aground or slam into something that does not catch my natural finite senses. For over the last several years, I have been praying for guidance while pursuing my own happiness. This is not much different than being unknowingly drenched in gasoline and throwing logs into a fire. If the logs are prayers, then this fire grows and suddenly I am ignited by an unsuspecting ember. I have failed every time to predict God. Who can?! The best we can predict is the weather, and even that is just a calculated and/or computed guess.
Upon realizing all this, it was never about a failed relationship. I have always believed God has a plan for me, even after I would not lift such a finger to pursue it. I have sincerely paid for this belief. God's will has been like a hurricane to me. I can either accept the winds to blow me to unknown locations or attempt to fan it away with both hands then face a collision course with many objects capable of heavy detrimental (or disciplining?) impacts. I am positive I am now on God's will. There have been many new temptations putting a much heavier burden on me. After the dust settles and the smoke clears, after a successful resistance or even a failed attempt, these temptations are mere signs, or landmarks pointing me towards the path God has chosen for me. It's as if I can see a visible footprint of a sandal from Jesus.
Through these writings, it is just another step in His will. With every step in God's will, there lay another key piece of life fulfillment that tears me away from my own paradoxical misunderstanding that surround the mysteries of my existence and fills those voids that this world fails to offer. In other words, it's as if these words God is giving me are breathing... they have a life on their own. They would normally be impossible for me to dig deep within myself and will them out through my own power. These words He gives me seem to come at the most inconvenient of times. I humbly admit, there are times that I must use a dictionary to understand some of them. Thus proving, His Holy Spirit that is churning It's powers within me, and forcing His living existence through my heart and fingers. There is no other joy in this world that could even touch this feeling I get when writing for Jesus. The glory is not to me but to God, and yet He gives me the complete and most raw sense of pure joy to accomplish this for Him. All this for simply never losing belief in His love?!
I always knew I was going to be writing again. I just didn't expect to be writing in the comforting confines of my room on that vessel that is now sailing through treacherous weather and rogue waves because of my actions. To make it more clearly, I am no longer in charge of my sails.



Sep 1, 2014
This may result into a "subliminal blog". I have not decided. I feel there is only so much personal bemoaning to write about before it inscribes a blemish on God or Christianity as a whole divine family. Why act as if Christianity were a mere task? I cannot pull out the root without first going through the dirt. How can I write about my experiences and then pepper it with fragments of hope? Then fall into a despairing pit the following day when I am well aware I am walking in God's will. It's as if I didn't stumble into it, but was forcibly pushed in with not such a choice being an option. Those recent memories are the source of this pit. Once in, I am not instantly crushed, but in the process of being crushed. It is then a spirit twitches... maybe mine? I do not know. Either way, the words start dancing through my mind. Lately there has been little to no uplifting of spirit, at least not enough to write another "inspiring" blog. Upon the crushing, God's presence is felt light-years apart of my existence, yet I discover it better than strolling happily through life without a feeling of His presence. In this pit, God is the one turning my destroyed insides out... then those insides He shall get through these words. Honesty will be a brute force driving this writing.
Those memories though, are nauseating and driving my spirit through a impenetrable cold steel floor. The bad memories that were the reason for the destruction of my relationship to begin with, are the instant and most concentrated batch of pain. They are brief and preferable. The good memories with the person that I was unaware I was creating with, at that time, are the most unrelenting, soul crushing, humanity leaching "thing" I cannot shake off. A prayer for healing has only been a band-aid for a mortal gash. I loved her... and so now what?! I can either wish her destruction or still be fond of her. She was, and is still a reality. Whether it be righteous or wicked, the feelings do not simply vanish. Like a cut tree, it must hit land somewhere. The hate alone would so humanly give birth to a breeding ground of destruction in me. I have walked that path once. Since that is obviously not the path I chose, the hate has been replaced with pain. This pain has been a byproduct of forgiveness albeit under this specific circumstance. The pain comes and goes as a resonating frequency I cannot tune. But there is no doubt, the pain will, at it's due time, vanish. The hate that could have been, will not... I know of this. There is a satisfying motivational strength in anger, yet there is a powerful humiliating strength in weakness. It was never what some would consider "inner-strength." That was exactly the opposite of what I relied on. My "inner-strength" was my motivation for revenge. Though my spirit did not just pray, plead, and beg. It awoke into a gravely wounded lamenting animal cornered by it's hunters while emotionally on the brink of breaking through the next level of rage I have never experienced before, if I were to attempt to fight this battle alone. Faced with fight or flight, when I was an animal not born with wings? Those wings became my answered prayer.

This was never concluded with my ability to forgive. No such power existed in me to proclaim a victory in a losing battle. I had no such strength to follow through, too much feeling of self-worth and dignity. That was exactly what I had to throw on the altar and burn. Only once I did this was there now room for Jesus to get to work. His power working graciously through my pain and sacrifices. Alive and bitter as it were, it was also real.

This blog was written in the span of over a week. It began with a heavy burden of grief and confusion, and was suddenly ending with anger. I had to let this one sit for several days due to loaded questions that were once written on here. The type of questions one politician would ask another politician during a debate. The answer lay in an entangling deceiving web. Who was I attempting to trap? It just left more confusion. Therefore, this only makes me realize I cannot write with anger. It was finally edited, and voila, the Truth makes an appearance.



Sep 9, 2014
Only when I can remove a Hollywood type image of the Devil in my mind, the more realistic he becomes... and the more awareness of his reality, then the more deceiving of his craft begins. His arrows have been becoming more like toothpicks. That is, until he dipped them within a concoction of confusion. Confusion has been an effective poison, enough to make my thoughts thrash about in an unproductive manner; not even sure to flip a switch on my decisions unless I know for sure it is from God. There is fear of having too much spare time and even a fear of having too little time. One can only read the Bible or pray so much before it has turned into a habitual choir; only so much time to let the Truth settle down and take root. It seems as though everything that is instantly pleasurable to my flesh is under utter contradiction to God's desires. Life requires time to grow and death can happen within an instant. That life that only God can give.
What other selfish desires must I sacrifice? God has not delivered me from most of my past habits, He simply picked me up from the fetal position and threw me back in the arena. Battles I know for sure, I once could not win. Though, I cannot quit smoking through my own willpower. It is another unanswered prayer attached with a brief murmur of guilt.
Ironically, I find myself smiling more. The grief still alive as it was several weeks ago, is still present. A sorrow blended with a smile? I was unaware this oxymoron could exist. Like walking with two broken legs. Just listening to "inspiring" music that my ears once found violating and utterly offensive to my pride, brings to the surface hidden irritability; and why? From allowing a sound wave to reverberate around my senses from others praising the Christ? To hear of Jesus blasting in my car, dare I feel (insert stick between clinched teeth) shame and embarrassment?! This pride is still slowly dying. If only this were not a process. His desires are increasingly drowning out my desires, a prayer that is in the process of getting answered. Oh, that dreadful time.
Only can light reveal hidden stains, depending on how reflective we choose to be.



Sep 20, 2014
Enduring with patience is like a state of being almost free, but yet almost a slave. A surreal sense of purgatory for those on the verge of a self sacrifice. Living within a potential renewal of omnipotent euphoria. Our free will, we divulge to capture our happiness, is but a threshold we inevitability chase. More like a carrot on a stick. No one is exempt from this pursuit. The more we obtain, the more we want. Soloman said it best, "a chasing after the wind." These things, I not just know, but have experienced. The Holy Spirit, having that power to choke that threshold into submission and heave our joy beyond any possible happiness we chase.
If you're expecting a miracle on par with the divinity of biblical proportions of the past, don't hold your breath. The miracles lie within us now. That Holy Spirit that lay as dormant as to whatever level of degree of self, we decide to not let go. That Spirit making It's presence known without notifications, without limitations, and the uttermost intractability. I have attempted to grasp it, but with oiled hands. That Spirit, who can identify and topple, that one pillar that supports the essence to the vitality of our stronghold. In that moment, I have experienced, that everything I possess is meaningless, and leaves the soul bare in the natural state of vulnerability. A violation to the will of my steadfast humanity, yet awakens me, beyond the range of my expectations of any potential full scale humanity I was aware of. He is alive in me.



Sep 25, 2014
I am tired of holding a nail with one hand and driving it with a hammer in the other hand. What separates me from those shouting judgement and crucifixion to an innocent besides two thousand years?! It was once I, who was driven with anger and jealousy upon sitting firm in the foundation of my understanding that I built with insufficient truth. To judge others is to secretly rob them of their integrity. Without Jesus, I was like a hand with no thumb. Such a hand is not familiar with a gentle grip, but is much more affective and potent at striking. I am worn out from scourging... it has only lead me back to own eminent defeat.
If Christ died for only His followers, that would turn his unconditional love, to a limited conditional love. Does Jesus need to be sacrificed again and again for every new generation to believe? Such an encroaching event would put my faith on the chopping block. Jesus did not willfully force His love on anyone's free will (except maybe Saul). Why should we force His message?! Anyone could patch a cross onto their combat uniform and perform genocide in the name of Christ. We are to have love, joy, peace, humility, generosity, and purity. Those are many of His gifts that do not come so natural. Gifts that come natural the closer we get to Christ. There are some gifts that may require a deep gash, but it is Love used as that weapon against our nature, and it is Love that is used as our stitches. Once this discipline is accepted, there are no scars.
Jesus did not put on a magic show while He was physically with us. He was healing the sick and raising the dead. If you expect a play from God... there will be no dance. Another unanswered prayer? No answer from God? If we could get what we want when we think we need it... would we not just use God for our own unknown "advancement?"
Life falters below mediocre through my insubordination. I am tired of fighting my purpose. Those memories still remain plastered throughout my mind. They are becoming opaque reminders to the constant state of vulnerability I am consistently surrounded by on a daily basis. Realizing it maybe just that time to begin the practice of self-seeking abnegation. After all, it is just Him who desires me.
I am tired of taking charge of my life through this world's approval. What kind of society do we live in where we are the ones to decide the boundaries of morality? Our morals are clashing from generation to generation. What wisdom does this world behold?! Everyone thinks their right, and to prove it, most resort to violence and/or anger. My actions came from the source of societies claims of knowledge.
I walked with this world's definition of love. I did just try. I gave it my best with the utmost kindness. I even kept up with it's fast pace and without a fear of commitment. It was all a giant loop that led me back to myself but with a change of scenery with every new lap. All I sacrificed was my time and as it turns out, it was all about me and not just physically. This world's dramatic view of love is a glistening tree of hope without roots. It is equivalent to living in an extravagant hotel without service. If you want something, you serve yourself. Foolish me for following a foolish world. It has produced nothing but grief and it has yet to prove itself otherwise. I am done with it.



Conclusion
This will be the concluding blog. I will attempt to sum up everything that has been written. I am not sure of what my future holds. I am both confident in it and welcome it, as long as God remains my source. I am just a simple person attempting to live a joyous life with little desire to carve out my niche in this world. Just as any Christian who wants to live a simple life, His plans may change our little carvings into massive miracles and that only by Him is anything possible. Though not all anxieties or weaknesses have made their exit. He truly has used my weaknesses for His glory. These writings have been my stories and experiences I wish to share. There were always someone there to vent to, but anxieties wouldn't allow it.
After my ordeal in 2005, I expected my struggles were over, causing me to lower my guard. I began to walk that path best described by CS Lewis, "Indeed the safest road to Hell is the gradual one--the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts." I only expected my further writing to be simply written behind the lines. I thought I would be shouting strategy from where no such mortar had the distance to reach me. I couldn't have miscalculated a more damaging projectile. There were always quite a few answers to my questions I had written years before my more recent struggles progressed. They were of little help due to my struggles being a similar case of déjà vu. God simply just had me regurgitate the words from those older writings, only to have me re-chew them again. Meaning, I could not just talk about them, but had to walk in them. God has been my peace in a war that is being fought without morals.
Circumstances will be unique, but pain is universal. My turmoils may appear tedious and light, but it was enough to cripple the hope I had and it threw my soul onto a God-seeking binge. Those binges were not without excruciating confusion, persistent patience, isolating loneliness, uncontrollable hate, and delirious desires to justify what I thought I wanted and needed. Perhaps confidence to overcome specific hell-bent challenges unbeknown to me, were struggles God left out from my original manufacturing. Some may consider me a big baby, I will not argue that. The sooner I began to declassify myself a victim, the sooner a rebuilding project began. The pain was always a rope of faith dropped directly from Heaven. I just had to climb it to find God to give it to Him. God has been the heat-sink to my unthrottled fury.
There is so much more He has for me, that even my dreams were never efficient enough to accommodate His will for me. He had to stretch those dreams, and to stretch those dreams, He had to awaken my humanity by any means necessary to rejuvenate His love back to life to an unbridled heart. Why hold onto pain when we can just give it to Him? Or least let Him use it to glorify His growth in us.
By the grace of God, I had demanding questions I once asked that have converted from, "O' Lord, why have you forsaken me?!" To, "I just asked You WHAT?!" Opinions I once had about current world affairs that remained unchangeable, have been scrambled. What is the point when there is the possibility of the truth being fondled to further a potential agenda? Hope in Christ has been a life altering mixture, slowly sifting through doubt and into the Truth. I can safely safe with pure honesty, that my historical horrors currently carry no weight on my shoulders. There is presently no such thing as regret, it has all lead me closer to God. I still don't know everything, but I don't need to know everything.
Never has there been a more clear canvas to freedom, than when it is painted with faith. All of this joy... for simply believing in Christ.
I have realized that if a homeless man can laugh and an abused person can smile, that the cards we are dealt... even at our worst hand is better than a fold. And that with the forgiveness and solace we are offered as a choice... the demons we carry, are just as vulnerable as we are. I do believe we, as humans, can never and will never be able to comprehend His true unconditional love. Therefore, giving us our own free will to attempt to seek it. We can only use our free will to open our hearts to Him. It will forever reign true, that God is Love.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

There is no better way to implode hate, to decimate evil, than the gift of Love.

Onward for His inevitable victory.

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