Kids & Parenting

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A Child’s Ideal Father
© 2014

by

Stephen A. Peterson


As it is true of a child’s ideal mother, an ideal father begins to develop at a very early age—as young as 1 or 2 years of age. Over the past fifty years or so fatherly influence upon his children has changed significantly in the United States. An increasing number of American children, experience little or no contact with their biologic father or, for that matter, any father-like role model. The impact of a father upon his daughter and/or son has been under enormous scrutiny due, in large part; to ideological/philosophical differences among sociologists/family studies in the twentieth century that has it that fathers are a minor functional role in the modern nuclear family. The most important relationship/role among a number of theorists is the maternal dyadic relationship. The paternal dyadic relationship is viewed as minor and supportive of the child’s mother.

Following the end of World War II with the return of male service members to the United States in 1946-1947, more and more men who became fathers learned his relationship with his children became more and more limited. Prior to World War II, families work together on the family farm or work was located close to their residence making the father more available than in the later part of the twentieth century and beyond. A number of family theorists argue it is the quality rather than the quantity of a father’s time spent with his children that is more important. This notion is debatable by other concerning its validity.

As with mother, children express definite ideals of what a father should be. Fathers, unfortunately, have been found to fall short more than mothers. There are believed three reasons for this; since the 1970’s, the role of father has been under attack resulting in a lack of consciousness as to what the role of father should be. Second, so many fathers have conceded their roles to the mother. Third, so many fathers tend to expect more of their children’s mother and their children than both are capable of. Fathers subsequently became disappointed or disgusted with his child’s mother and the child. The child or children came to recognize this in their father or fathers.

As with mothers, researchers found the following qualities children wish to observe positive in their fathers:

1. Present a healthy appearance. A child wants his father to be a father not a teenage or grandfather. In order to toss a baseball, shoot a basketball or take a hike in the forest, a father should be concerned about his general health and well-being. Add good grooming, a happy smile and a child look to her/his father with pride.

2. Achievement. Far too many fathers believe theirs and their family’s success is based upon his monetary, material or social achievement. Children who responded to surveys reported they considered their father a success no matter what work he does just as long as he has the respect of the people around him and can be honest and true to the child. It is vital for a child to have faith in his values. Virtually every child indicated he/she wanted their father’s positive qualities.

3. Understanding. In many instances, a child will turn to her/his father for advice and, at times, to be comforted and reassured with respect to the appropriate decisions they make. A father, unlike their mother, will give his child a father’s/man’s viewpoint that can be helpful both to his daughters and sons.

4. Patience. A child hopes her/his father will be patient of her/his shortcoming, for this will increase a child’s faith in her/his own ability to deal with them. A wise father will make every effort to guide his child along the avenue to his goal of maturity. A father who takes this approach will be rewarded with his child’s love, loyalty and trust.

5. Willingness to do things with the child. Today with both parents working in many homes, more and more fathers have demonstrated a willingness to do things with and for his children. In the case of boys, they have a strong desire to have their father as someone they can identify with, play games with and be a companion with to teach him who to play certain sports with, fish, hunt, even play board games with. In the case of girls, the presence of her father has been found crucial to her emotional, personality and social development than has previously realized. Young girls yearn for their father’s companionship, advice, and example just as much, if not more than a son, in the development of her socialization skills. From interaction with her father, a girl learns about boys and men, learns about her beauty and acceptance, how to appreciate herself and love herself in an appropriate in an appropriate manner.

6. Impartiality. Up to the middle of the 20th century, the father was assumed to be the family disciplinarian. Though his role as the sole disciplinarian has changed, children continue to view their fathers as an authority figure and an opportunity to judge his impartiality. When a father establishes boundaries, punishes or scolds his child, doe he attempt to first find out what the child did to deserve punishment or to judge the behavior to adult standards? Is the father impartial when he lets out his pent up anger for something that went wrong at work or in his relationship with his spouse by being more severe than his child’s behavior justified?

7. Reasonable expectations. Far too many fathers expect their children to do things far beyond their capacities. When a man is perceived as a successful person, or when he is considered failure and has never achieved what he wanted in life, he is likely to set goals for his child that is beyond their capacity or interest. He often becomes bitterly disappointed, angry and, at times, abusive towards his child because his personal expected goals for the child were not achieved. How can a child love and respect a father who is disappointed in her/him much of the time. A child wants and needs their father’s unconditional love and acceptance for her/him to obtain healthy emotional and social development.

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