Healthy Living

Freeing Your Parents From Your Past

by Lynne Stamm
08/07/14
Not For Sale
Author requests article critique

  Message Writer
  Hire Writer

Tweet

I have struggled with an unforgiving spirit. There, I�ve said it. I like to think of myself as a forgiving person but I�ve struggled with grudges longer than I should have. I grew up in a Christian home with a father who was a pastor and a mother who was the perfect helpmate working right by his side. The church always came first and my brothers and sisters and I came last. When other parents were attending sports events and cheering their children on, mine were at church and not on the sidelines. I never gave it a second thought, at the time, because that�s the way my life was. People in the church needed my parents and our needs came last.

My parents were obsessively concerned that their children should be shining examples of Christianity and not do anything to embarrass them or cause people to question their ministry. If we did something or said something to make our parents feel shame, we paid the price with physical punishment or forced Bible memorization or some type of penance for our sin. Looking back at it now, it is ridiculous to expect six children to behave like angels, all the time, and not cause their parents moments of discomfort. It was a suffocating existence. My concept of God was formed during this time. I was deathly afraid of the proverbial lightning bolt which might strike me dead if I stepped outside the boundaries of what was considered acceptable behavior. If an evil thought crossed my mind I trembled in fear waiting for retribution. In my mind, God was not loving, tender or compassionate. God was vengeful, mean and unforgiving.

As I grew older and away from the all-seeing eyes of my parents, I tested the boundaries of life. I wanted to experience so much but I was a prisoner to the dictates of an angry God. If I thought about expanding my horizons they shrank before my eyes because I was sure God would be displeased. I was crippled by my past and the impact of my parents� emotional abandonment. I didn�t know what real joy was or how it felt to be loved unconditionally. As a result, when I became an adult, my life became the antithesis of everything my parents had drilled into me. I lost my fear of God because I didn�t really know who He was and I certainly didn�t like him very well because my parents had neglected me for His sake. I was filled with anger and resentment and it oozed through every crevice of my life poisoning everything and everyone it touched.

Somewhere around my fortieth birthday, I was told my parents were separating. The details aren�t important but this news was a 10 on the Richter scale of family announcements. Suddenly, every lecture and every whipping and every bible verse I had been forced to memorize came flooding through my mind in an endless torrent. I was dumbfounded by the fact that my father, who wanted us all to be a shining example of the Christian family, was leaving his wife to �find himself�. Every Christian precept he had pounded into our heads was meaningless. I was overcome with a rage I could not comprehend. I wrote him a venomous letter and called him a hypocrite and a liar. I couldn�t find words strong enough to convey my feelings. I mailed the letter and was done with him.

It was easier to feel sorry for my long-suffering mother because my father had now abandoned her but the more I thought about it the angrier I got at her. Why should I let her off the hook? She had blindly supported him in the ministry while her children were left to fend for themselves. She wanted sympathy but I only felt pity for her. She had devoted her entire life to her husband and his vocation. Now, she had nothing. She wasn�t the beloved pastor�s wife any longer. She had no identity outside of his. She was getting what she deserved, I concluded.

Over the next few years, as my father chased his life-long dream of owning an ice cream store, my mother spent time evaluating her life and getting into the word of God. Tentatively she reached out to each one of her six children and repented of her failures as a mother. She was remorseful for the years she had lost and for the relationships she had failed to build with her children and grandchildren. I remember when she had her conversation with me I shrugged it off. I was an adult and didn�t need a mother any more. My children didn�t even really know her as a grandmother. What could her apologies mean to me? Time was lost and couldn�t be replaced. Each time we would have a conversation on the phone my mother would tearfully apologize again for not being there for me, for not attending my school activities, for not standing up to my father when he would physically punish us for trivial infractions, and for dragging us from one town to another so my father could minister in yet one more church that needed his brilliant Christian mind. I would reassure her that her apology was accepted, and I forgave her, but I really hadn�t.

Over the years I had come to a genuine and personal understanding of who God is. I was building a new relationship based on what the Bible clearly taught and not what had been dictated and interpreted for me. One morning I meditated on my daily scripture. Isaiah 43:18 and 19 says, �Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.� (NIV) A thought blazed into my mind. �You need to free your parents from your past�. I was stunned. What was that supposed to mean? Free my parents from my past? They were responsible for my past and should be the ones to free me!

God was doing a new thing in my life and in my mother�s life. By hanging on to the old hurts, I was hindering God�s work in our lives. Her repetitive apologies were preventing her from moving forward and enjoying the streams in her wasteland. As long as I allowed her to continue wandering in the wilderness of my unforgiving heart God could not fully use her for His plans. And, as long as I nursed my grudge, God could not completely use me either. The next time I spoke with my mother I revealed to her the lesson God had given me. �You need to stop apologizing for things that can�t be changed. I forgive you. I free you from my past.� I could hear the relief in her voice. All of the years she had been trying to make up for the ones she had lost were draining her spirit. By freeing her from my past I was allowing her to be used by God with no burdens holding her back. Her wasteland could begin to bloom.

We need to free our parents from our past so we can experience God�s blessings in our lives. Our parents are human and make mistakes as humans will. Granted some mistakes are worse than others but as long as we continue to keep the ball and chain of an unforgiving heart wrapped around their ankles we are not only binding them but ourselves. As it says in Isaiah, �Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.� I would suggest a simple exercise. Write down all the hurts and sorrows you have been holding on to. Take a long hard look at the list and then throw it away. Don�t dwell any longer on the past. You can�t change it and holding on to it is preventing you from appreciating everything God has for you. Ask Him to give you the grace to forgive your parents for not giving you everything you needed as a child. This is difficult, and often painful, but in order to advance in our spiritual life it is necessary. Then, ask God�s help to forget the past and ask Him to forgive you for holding on to your pain so long. Freeing your parents from your past will free you to live the life God intended you to live. You will begin to see streams in your wasteland and an abundance of joy will replace the sorrow and grief you�ve been hoarding in your heart. Open your life to experience the freedom of letting go and you will find pleasure in your life you never knew was missing. God is doing a new thing, perceive it!