Humor

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Fear can be a terrible thing. Even so, everybody indulges in this emotional pastime at some point in his life. I think it was Franklin D. Roosevelt who told us that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

Ha! He never met the mistress of my parsonage when I am deep in trouble.

There is nothing that instills fear in my craggy heart than getting into trouble with my beloved. I know what you're thinking, and you are absolutely right. On the surface she seems like a mild- mannered, gracious lady. And she is that and more, to be sure. However, when I goof up, which is often, she is the one I must answer to and she always brings me back into line. I can only imagine what my life would be like if it weren't for her.

Next to my wife, there is something else that I, as a preacher, fear the most. According to some surveys, the No. 1 thing people fear the most is speaking in public. There are people who say they'd prefer dying to speaking in public. (There are some who have died while speaking in public, but that's another story.)

I understand this fear. It is scary to get up in front of an audience and deliver a speech. When a person is in front of any audience, no matter how large or small, many things can go wrong.

Probably the most aggravating annoyance for any speaker is the sound system, which can give a speaker a big headache. I believe some systems have minds all their own.

If the speaker gets a tad boring, the microphone may begin to speak on its own. There is no greater thrill than the shrill of a microphone in the middle of a speech. Sometimes the opposite happens and at some appropriate moment, the microphone goes inexplicably dead.

Still, this is not my worst fear.

I have endured many things in the pulpit, including trains passing by in the middle of a sermon; sneezing fits just as I begin the sermon and a case of the giggles in the middle of a funeral sermon, to mention a few.

The worse fear I harbor, as a public speaker, is the lowly hiccup. Many experts in the field (don't ask me what field you can find them in) refer to this as hiccuphobia: the fear of getting the hiccups while speaking in public.

I know what you're thinking. I thought the very same thing when I first heard about it. Nobody snickered louder than I did when told about this alleged disorder. I put it in the same category as Big Foot, the Lock Ness Monster and politicians who tell me they feel my pain.

My idea of this changed drastically one Sunday morning while delivering a sermon. In my denomination, a young minister must serve in a pastorate four years prior to being ordained. This enables the minister to prove himself worthy of ordination. One aspect of this probation period is the most nerve-wracking experience in the process of a minister.

The whole procedure is to test the young probationer's qualification to serve as a minister in a local congregation. It is not, as some believe, to drive him to the point of insanity. Of course, I will not rule the latter out. There is too much evidence to the contrary.

The experience I am talking about is the personal visit of the district superintendent to hear the neophyte minister's sermon. He does not come to enjoy the sermon but to critique it in every regard. Every "i" must be dotted and every "t" served on a silver platter.

It's almost needless to say that the pressure on a young pastor is enormous. The preacher's whole future may rest on this one sermon. During his ministry, a preacher will deliver many important sermons, including a baccalaureate sermon, a special community anniversary sermon and, of course, the one he inevitably gives at the funeral of a prominent citizen.

But nothing, and I mean nothing, compares to the sermon before the district superintendent.

Don't think everything about this process is harsh and without mercy. Out of kindness, the young pastor usually is given a month's notice of the visit. That means one month - four weeks - 30 days of the most agonizing torture known to humanity. It is the Protestant's version of purgatory.

I still remember how I felt the day I got the letter informing me of the impending visit. I used the first two weeks looking for a hole to fall into. Finding no such accommodation, I set about preparing for his visit.

The Sunday finally came. Because of the superintendent's visit, the attendance was larger than usual. People who rarely came to church showed up to impress the superintendent and, unwittingly, intimidate me.

The first part of the service went without a flaw. Sure, I was nervous, but I was well rehearsed and on the top of my game, which only set me up for some serious problems.

I finally came to the sermon part of the worship service and glancing at the superintendent, I saw him take out a notebook and pen. He then looked straight at me. The seriousness of the occasion finally struck me.

That's when it happened. I got a good case of the hiccups. Every other word was punctuated with a hearty "HIC." Have you ever noticed that the more you try suppressing hiccups the louder and more frequent they become?

It does not matter how good a preacher you are, it is impossible to conceal hiccups. I know. I tried.

About five minutes into my hiccup-plagued sermon, I noticed a mischievous smile tug at the superintendent's mouth. Fortunately, grace did abound that Sunday and he did not look at me but concentrated instead on his opened Bible. After the service he simply shook my hand and said with a telltale twinkle in his eye, "Nice job." He has never mentioned it to this day.

Fear can be devastating, but there is a good side to fear. The Bible says, "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: a good understanding have all they that do His commandments: His praise endureth forever" (Psalms 111:10 V).

And then, there is that marvelous verse in the New Testament: "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love" (l John 4:18 KJV).

If you fear the right thing, you will not be fearful of everything.

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