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God is so patient with me; and I'm so grateful! He recently uncovered areas of my heart that are not the soft, healthy parts I thought they were. He has shown me bitterness, unforgiveness, and trauma that he and I have been wading through together. It hasn't been easy but I held on to the hope that there couldn't be much more that God had to show me; I must be nearly through this time of soul searching and healing.
If only that were the case, but God isn't afraid to shine a light on my darkest doubts and fears and he has shocked me with the latest revelation. That is that, deep down, I don't trust him. I'm a person split in half; I completely believe God will always be with me and won't ever leave me, and that hasn't changed. I also feel abandoned by him and neglected when I cried out to him to help me in a crisis and he didn't give me strength to endure. At that moment, fear crept in and I have doubted ever since that he truly loves me. My other half says, of course he does! How can I dishonour Jesus by thinking such a thing?
I'm relieved that the ugly truth has come to light and its a comfort to know God doesn't leave me with a rocky foundation. He's lovingly and painstakingly restoring me, but its a hard time to be walking through. I pray that God will give me such a revelation of his love that fears will flee and peace will take their place. Until that time, I'm just holding on, waiting for God to complete his restoration in me.
If you are living with doubts, don't be afraid to talk to God all about them and ask him to show himself. He longs to see us restored from hurts and fears and the best place to start is to be completely honest with him. Thankfully God isn't embarrassed or shocked by our confessions, he has seen into our hearts much better than we have! So if you, like me, are grappling with questions about God's love and faithfulness, then shall we pray together?
Jesus, thank you that you see me and know me better than I know myself; all the hurts and doubts, and disappointments where I feel you have let me down. I know you are always with me and never leave me, please help me know the truth in my heart and feel your love for me. Show me where you were in those times when I felt you weren't there. Restore my heart so I can trust you again and know you are always faithful. Sorry I've let doubts enter my heart, thank you that you love me.
Amen.
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