Humor

---

Insomnia gets the better of me sometimes. I hate it when I awake in the middle of the night and feel a strange attraction to that one-eyed demon that we have all come to loathe or love. Now, since the advent of the computer, iPhone, iPad and everything else digitally imagined, that one-eyed demon has multiplied. However, temptation draws me to the familiar remote, and I start clicking away as an answer for a cure.

I’m amazed at how alert I am while surfing through the channels. Suddenly, I stop and focus my attention on an infomercial that screams how much time I have remaining to order the latest exercise product. It’s a belly and bottom blaster, thigh atomizer and all-around body toner thingy that costs only $199.99. No, wait. It’s marked down to only $59.99, and, if I’m one of the next ten callers, they will reduce it by another $10!

I reach for my phone. I’ve got to have this. I can’t live without it. After all, the svelte female model, tells me it’s time I take control of my life and do something positive. She says my body is nothing but putty, and, with this gadget, I can whip it into any shape I want.

My hands tremble. My eyes twitch. My mind reels. My heart races faster than a runaway train. I feel lost at sea, gulping in air as I bob up and down in the water. But do I really need this? All I know is that I have no time to waste. I have to order NOW! Yes, that’s it. Dial the numbers before the clock ticks away my only chance of morphing my body into the rock-hard idol I’ve always dreamed about. Oh, good. Someone answers.

“Am I one of the ten callers?” I yell. “Please tell me I am. Please!”

Yes. I am. Eureka! I’ll be billed only $49.99. What’s that? Of course I want the instructional video, daily journal and energizing pills. Throw in the extra elastic bands, good luck beads, charm bracelet and 90-day guarantee for a nominal fee. Just charge my card, and let me bask in the glory of my life-changing product that you will ship, for a few bucks more, overnight.

“Great. We will charge your card only $499.99. You’ll soon be on your way to a new and better you. Have a great day!”

Click.

My hands tremble. My eyes twitch. My mind reels. My heart races faster than a runaway train. I feel lost at sea, gulping for air as I bob up and down in the water.

What have I done?

Slowly, I crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head and secretly pray for Jesus to return before morning. Another sleepless night, and, like a fool, I’ve sealed my fate until way past dawn.

---

PLEASE ENCOURAGE AUTHOR BELOW LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE