Humor

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Personally, I sure will be glad when January is over. If confession is good for the soul, then let me have a good soul cleansing and confess that January is not my favorite month of the year.

At the beginning of each year, a certain resident in our home begins acting like an angel and starts harping about a diet. But, not just “a diet.” I could take that, I think. Rather, “my diet.” What my diet has to do with her is a question I have yet to ask.

One of my New Year’s resolutions is to ask no question I do not want to hear the answer. Believe me when I say ignorance is bliss.

The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage is a health nut, whereas, I am just a plain nut with lots of fudge icing on the top. As nuts are concerned, I prefer nuts with fudge icing.

Every year right after Christmas and before the New Year comes in, my wife and I have this conversation about the upcoming diet. I need to correct myself here. When I use the word “conversation,” I probably should use the word “monologue.” When it comes to diets, I have absolutely nothing to say. My wife on the other hand, has plenty to say and when she is saying it to me, she holds nothing back.

When it comes to diets and dieting, I have my own ideas about the whole matter. I do not see myself as fat, just post-thin. For arguments sake, let’s say I am fat. I take refuge in the Bible along this line, which says, “All the fat is the Lord’s” (Leviticus 4:16b KJV).

If I was to argue with my wife, which I promise you I am not going to, I could lay all of the blame about my being post-thin on her. I have pictures to prove my point. Before we got married, I was very thin. Now look at me! I don’t have to draw a picture for you, do I?

Along this line of diets, I think I am doing rather well. I have come up with ideas that have made me quite comfortable along this line.

Last week I bought a dress shirt and brought it home. When I tried it on it was three sizes too big for me making me look rather thin. I love that shirt. That shirt was made for people like me. Every time I wear that shirt in public somebody usually says, “You must’ve lost a lot of weight.” I just smile.

I have other shirts in my closet that have brought me no end of grief. Here is what I want to know. Why do my shirts get thin but I don’t? After all, we go to the same places and eat at the same restaurants. There is something here I believe I am missing!

Whenever I am off on a trip somewhere my wife always says just as I leave, “Make sure that you watch what you eat while you’re away.”

I am delighted to report to her or anybody else who will listen that I always watch what I eat. After all, I would hate to take a bite of broccoli by mistake. Therefore, I watch every bite I eat to make sure it is as delicious as possible.

My wife is always encouraging me to eat more fruit. I believe fruit is a matter of personal opinion and preference. My wife believes that bananas are fruit. I, on the other hand, believe that a banana split is fruit.

My wife has the idea that an Apple a day keeps the doctor away. I have a different slant on that idea. I believe an Apple Fritter a day keeps everybody away.

When it comes to salads, my wife is the crowned queen of salads. She has a golden touch when it comes to making salads. If I am not careful, she will serve me a salad three times a day. Another thing I need to watch out for with her salads. Occasionally, she will try to slip in some form of broccoli. For some unknown reason she believes broccoli is the panacea for all ills nutritionally.

As diets come and go, my diets usually go without leaving a trace behind them. Years ago, I got serious about a diet and was determined to lose 25 pounds of ugly fat. Much to my chagrin, I lost the other fat instead. Now look at me!

The diet phase is beginning to run its course as we come to the close of January. Towards the end of January, my lovely bride begins thinking of Valentine’s Day. For me, whatever gets her attention off my diet is good news any day of the week.

I suppose it is true what people say that you are what you eat. I further suppose that it is important to eat the right things. Not only is that true physically but also spiritually. The Bible has something to say about this.

“As newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of the word, that ye may grow thereby” (1 Peter 2:1 KJV).

Nothing is more important in my daily routine than feasting on the Word of God. I may not do very well on my physical diet, but I do take special care about my spiritual diet.

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