Grief

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I'm sure that, of recent, people have had one of two opinions of me; "He's so very strong of heart", or "He's such an unfeeling robot."

You see, the situation is this; for the past several years, my grandmother has been battling cancer, though all of us, including her, were unaware of it until this last year. And it seems that, now, that battle is quickly coming to a close.

She has been, since she was a small girl, a true Christian, faithful and true. So, one might ask, why would God allow such a person to endure such hardship? As my pastor explained it, who better to entrust with so great a difficulty than one so faithful and strong?

My grandmother and I discussed her condition at great length a couple of months back. I told her (quite truthfully) that I was a bit jealous of her, because she is in a win/win scenario. Either her time is fast approaching to go on Home, or God will heal her of the cancer so that her tale can be used for His glory. Either way, she wins.

The problem is that she can no longer even get out of bed, and the medications that they've given her cloud her mind, making it difficult for her to recognize anyone. It has now been nearly a week since I last visited with her, whereas, before, I visited her on a daily basis, carrying on wonderful theological discussions. But I can no longer bear to watch her waste away, and I have, for the first time since learning of her condition, begun to doubt. I love my grandmother so very much, and nothing would please me more than for her to be able to stay with us until we all are called Home. But it would be selfish of me to want her to stay here, clouded in mind, and pained in body. More than I want her to stay, I want her to be free of the pain.

Why do I post this on here, instead of putting it where my friends and family will see it? I put it here because I -need- to speak my mind, yet I don't want them to think this is some ill-timed plea for personal attention.

So, what of those two opinions? Am I strong of heart? Or am I a robot?

The answer is that I am neither. I am only a selfish coward, afraid to watch her die, afraid to let her go. Afraid to say "Good-bye."

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