Women

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The Christmas Angels

“We are each of us angels with only one wing. And we can only fly by embracing each other”
Luciano Crescenzo

The sunny afternoon of my daughter’s 11th birthday suited my mood. I returned home from work thinking about the joy she brings me and anticipating her party. The beeping answering machine greeted me. The caller ID showed my doctor’s number. Doctors never call with good news.
As I reflected on Brittany’s life, my thoughts turned to my new pregnancy. At age 38 with two daughters, Melanie 13 and Brittany on the verge of her teens, pregnancy was a shock. As soon as the surprise sank in, I was thrilled at the thought of another baby in my arms. Then the doctor mentioned a problem. I couldn’t do anything but wait for test results.
As I pushed the button to listen to the message I thought that no matter how bad the news was, Brittany deserved a happy birthday. I heard the doctor’s voice saying, “I have the results of your lab work. Your hormone levels are drastically low, which is of great concern for the baby. This could mean you are not as far along in the pregnancy as we thought or the pregnancy has terminated itself. Call my office to set up an appointment for an ultrasound next week.” I started crying. “Why God? Don’t take the baby I love away!”
The ultrasound was scheduled for my husband’s birthday. We rode silently to the doctor’s office. The nurse called me in and we waited. The doctor finally came in. As he performed the ultrasound I thought, “You could as least talk to me. Show me some compassion.” He finished the ultrasound and told us that I indeed had a miscarriage. He scheduled a D & C for the next day. I thought I had caused this: lost my baby, ruined my husband’s birthday. I felt guilty and angry, angry with God. I wanted to talk to my pastor, since his wife had suffered a miscarriage a few years ago. However, he was out of town on a family vacation.
Our phone kept ringing with members of our congregation saying “I’m sorry for your loss, but it was God’s will.” God’s will, how would you know what God’s will is? “Thank God you had a miscarriage; the baby might have been born with birth defects.” I would have loved her anyway. “You have two beautiful daughters. Focus on them.” Yes I love them but that doesn’t help heal the hurt in my soul. GO AWAY was all I wanted to shout. Then my friend Chris called. She sounded tearful as she said, “I love you honey. Although I can’t take your pain away or even begin to understand how overwhelmed you feel, I’m here for you. Call me anytime day or night; I’ll be here for you with a listening ear.” Finally, someone with a tender heart.
The phone rang again. I was so tired. It was Ray, a friend of the family. He said, “I’m sorry for your loss and I know I can’t fill the pastor’s shoes, but I would like to pray with you.” He prayed for me and my family, for healing for me physically and emotionally. He prayed for comfort and understanding for the family and for Jesus to uphold us and wrap his loving arms around us. Then he offered this advice: “I know this is a horrible time for you, and you are a private person, but you have to allow other people into your world. Let them help you and love you through this. Please remember your baby is now secure in the loving arms of Jesus. She will only know joy, love, and peace. She’s looking down from heaven and watching you, try thinking of her as your guardian angel.”
As I hung up the phone I began to cry. For the first time my heart felt encouraged and hopeful. It was then that I decided to name her Destiny. I have never been good at asking for help, but through this heartbreaking experience I now know that interdependence is healthy not harmful. God created us to live in community with each other; we are to be constantly helping one another. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but a mark of unity. It was through the love and support of my friends that I found Jesus, for he lives in the hearts of those who touch our lives. I now let others into my heart and try to be a mirror of God’s love to everyone I meet.
As Christmas approached, I did not feel like celebrating, but I had a mother’s duty to my daughters, so we went Christmas shopping. As the girls plundered through the store I looked at Christmas decorations. I found myself drawn to four angel ornaments. I could not explain why I wanted them. Then I saw a beautiful angel tree topper. I was standing there staring at her when Brittany approached me. She said, “Mom we have to buy her, she will be the way we can remember Destiny at Christmastime.” Then Brittany spotted the four angel ornaments and said, “These will be Destiny’s friends and keep her company on the tree.” We bought them and went home to decorate the tree.
The Angel of Joy sparkles in a star-sprinkled, heavenly blue gown, with “Joy” festively written on her sash. She holds a shining star. The Angel of Hope in an exquisite gown, with “Hope” beautifully written on her sash, holding a rose bouquet and an evergreen sprig, symbols of the lasting hope Christmas brings. The Angel of Love wears a shimmering rose colored gown. “Love” is written in delicate script on her sash. She embraces a heart as a reminder of the great love that Christmas celebrates. The Angel of Peace is in an extravagant, iris-tinted gown; cradling a dove in her hands. “Peace” is on her sash. Both gentle reminders of the spirit of heavenly peace. The treetop angel graces our tree with her radiance as fiber optics light up her glorious dress which changing colors. She holds a silk flower bouquet. She has blond hair and blue eyes, just like I pictured Destiny. I find some healing and peace in my soul every time I look at those angels. I was glad Brittany wanted to remember Destiny in this way for it brought healing for her also. I was so struck by how compassionate Brittany is. She showed great love for me and Destiny.
I still have mournful days, like the anniversary date of the miscarriage but I am now thankful that my Destiny is with Jesus. I can feel her looking down from heaven with an angelic smile as she watches me grow in my faith and my love for others. I know one day I will be reunited with Destiny and I can finally wrap my arms around her radiant soul. I feel at peace knowing Destiny is touched by the treasured place she’ll always hold in my heart.

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