Poetry

---

And so now I know
It is only my humanity that allows me to be less
It is this skin
This tent of disconcert
That which keeps my breath from escape
What steals all that yearning pleads of me
That which so eagerly gives
And so gently refuses

Yet above me a smile
Within me awhile
While below me
A beckon
A suggestion
A longing of far too long to have been mine
A compelling of such acknowledgment I dare not turn away
Slowing telling me of my future
In an undeniable longing thus apart from me

Yet contradiction makes certain
Not its form, as my desire would have it be
Coercion is not the purpose of the day
For there is no need for obviousness
Never has there been
Though never have I been aware of such awareness

Then
Not suddenly as to startle
But certainly unexpected
Calmly the confidence becomes mine
Returned to me without so much as a whisper
So much as a want
As if knowledge determined that even a hint of itself revealed might shake this child-like vessel

And so it proceeds to me
Returned with the gain of profit
As only a gift given can be
Yet still I sit in absence unaccompanied by reason
Welcomed and unprepared
Now, still,.. as silence has brought forth its command

I sit
Waiting in incomparable bewilderment
Flesh in hand
Hand in fist
Fist gripping pen
Too exhilarated to scribe
Too exhausted to provoke response
Encompassed in what entices me to extend beyond all that I have continued to believe
That which I was purposed to be
That which was meant for me
Still incomplete
In still disbelief
To be so in complete

However, I have not yet gone away from me
And my identity battles for its own consideration to be regarded as true
Knowing little of nothing of the truth
Of what it is
And even less of what it is not
Deceive myself I can
And earnestly I do
For mendacity has long been my close brother
More than a willing partner in my constant failure
Fabrication seems all too appropriate to the day in my hand
Fictitiousness comes with little effort
And once again I find my eager cohort and quickly claim it as mine
Regardless of the beckoning freedom previously bestowed to me
Liberally endowed without consequence or detriment of character
Yet freedom I enthusiastically ignore with a stilted shrug
And this by choice!
Once again
I am now alone

Left
Through borrowed thinking
With only that which surrounds me
Easily forgetting what has freely been given to meas if it never was
And all because it will not serve me
What entices me to extend beyond that which I am meant to be?
And if I choose it to only be this
What should I be left with?
What it would be?
What it will be?
Should it be?
Would it then ever be enough?
Could it be what I would it to be?
Or will it never be what I wanl it to be?
And that is what it most certainly should be
And how it should stay
For all I could have been,
Should have been,
In the would of His will
Is now only a fragrance upon the wind
What am I to be left with?
With only who I am?
Without I Am?
With simply my decision That I matters more than we

Yet repetition has not become my teacher
For the reliability of my actions has proven unworthy
I have fallen too many times within the shadow of selfish eagerness
Reconciled by the light but still obstinate in step
As I so proudly,
So arrogantly,
Assume that I alone could realize it to be so
Though my refuge awaits me
I refuse to let truth be disguised in the lack of meaning
Manifest devoid of understanding
Without basis
Without root
Inside out
In lied doubt
In time now
Realizing the captive nature of this tent
The weight of this world
I release myself to what I cannot become alone
In time.... how?
With only loss in unquenchable degradation
Never able to be so

So,
To Be
To have essence outside of time
I embrace what I passionately threw away
In angry conceit and marked futility
Only to find it has not slipped away
Has not moved a single step
Afar was my self designation of character
Impervious and immutable to change was the One that awaited me
Now in the timeless nature that allows me the freedom of His perpetual truth
The absolution of my being
I wake with heavy head
To the weightlessness of circumcision
By Spirit
In Fire
Through Water
In Light
In life
I clearly know
That In Christ
I can finally realize it to be so

---

PLEASE ENCOURAGE AUTHOR BELOW LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE AS A MEMBER OR VISITOR