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Will I Ever Be Loved?
Not For Sale
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Don't get me wrong here. I am not talking about romantic love. I am talking about that kind of love that we all long for: unconditional, immovable, indestructible love; the kind of love that gives you the assurance that you are worth it.
As a child I always longed for this kind of love. I spend most of my nights, surrounded by the darkness of my room, feeling unloved and unneeded. Every member of my family seemed to have a place, a reason for living and most of all, the love they needed or even wanted. For me, the story was completely different: Crying uncontrollably for many, many nights I asked the Lord in my own simple words: "Take me with you, I don't want to live; I am not loved or needed." "Please Lord, take me with you!"
Years passed along and that little girl grew up to be a young woman: A person who in many ways achieved greater heights than my siblings and seemed to have a very happy and successful life. Nevertheless, that voice inside of me reminded me how unloved I was.
I wasn't ready to give up and let the feelings of unworthiness return, so, I found a boyfriend. This guy really helped me to fight that feeling inside of me. This was the real deal I thought and then we got married...
Time rushed all kind of events into my life, which made it for a nice, cozy feeling of emotional fulfillment for some time. The birth of my first son and the excitement of nurturing him and teach him so many things filled up my life with purpose and joy, but... love? Well, in a way it did, but not the kind of love I was looking for.
Soon one kid turned into two, and as if the Lord had had an appointment with my heart, everything changed.
I was about 8 months pregnant, waiting for my daughter to be born when troubles and sorrows started menacing my life of self-denial and self-content. I remember as if it was yesterday the words of my beloved husband that evening: I don't love you as I use to, I don't have time to spend it with you...
What else could I do than cry, cry uncontrollably for so many, many hours, sited alone in the middle of my room? But in the midst of all this, suddenly a thought made me stop. I went in the fraction of a second from uncontrollable pain to indescribable peace. "God loves me" said the voice: “I am loved". Rushing through my mind as if I have been watching it in a big screen, the Lord remind me of his indescribable, immensurable love. He died for me! He gave everything! Even his own life because he loves me! The words of Jeremiah 31:3 resounded loud and clear: "Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love".
I cannot tell you how many times I have returned to the feet of my father to hear the same loving words again.
If you ever wonder if you will ever be loved, I am here to tell you that you already are. The Bible says that "He calls those things which do not exist as though they did" and I think that's especially true about love, because even if we don't feel his love at the moment, we are being loved with his unconditional love from eternity, every single moment of our lives.
As I sail through the seas of life, sometimes facing tempests or turbulent waters, there is only one thing that keeps me afloat, and of this I can be sure: He loves me, more than I'll ever need it. More than anyone in this life, He loves me with an everlasting love.
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