Humor

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I find it quite amusing that some of the brightest and richest people in our country do not seem to have a clue as to what they are doing. Most do not have the common sense that God gave to a caterpillar. As Abraham Lincoln used to say, common sense is not as common as it used to be. Amen, to that one.

The financial experts are telling us that we need to buy gold or silver to safeguard our investments. I am way ahead of the game. Several years ago, I got a gold tooth. Fortunately, for me, I got it before the financial crisis in our country. I cannot tell you what a remarkable feeling it is to walk around with your fortune in your mouth.

I hear about all of the investment schemes that are supposed to make me rich. I have a sneaking suspicion that the only people getting rich are those with the investment schemes. They want us to buy stocks and bonds and futures. I never heard of anything so silly in all my life.

What would I do with stocks, bonds and futures, whatever in the world they are, in my portfolio. I have no idea what a portfolio is but I am certain it has something to do with these investment schemes. I just do not want anybody folioing around with my port, thank you very much, sir.

If I got my facts right, and I looked it up in the dictionary, port has something to do with wine. Why would I want to put a bottle of port into my folio and pretend it is some kind of an investment?

I really have to give it to these investment schemers. They really know how to pull the wool over our eyes. I want to go on record as saying that they are not pulling any wool over my eyes. Just leave my wool alone. If I want my wool pulled, it certainly will not be over my eyes, I will tell you that right here. This wool pulling sounds more like sheep fleecing to me, and I want nothing to do with it.

For me I have discovered a way of safeguarding my wealth. My basic financial philosophy is simply spend less than I make. I know that is a revolutionary concept in today's world, but it has stood me in good stead for many a year.

We live in a culture that has absolutely no spending control whatsoever. This culture does not know the relationship between saving money and spending money.

For example. The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage came home the other day and in a very exuberant tone told me how much she saved at the grocery store. "I saved $119.23 today at the grocery store. Isn't that terrific?"

Being the humble, demure sort of guy that I am, I did not ask her a question that was buzzing around my head at the time. The question was, how much did it cost me to save you that much money?

Having a happy home is more important to me than exploring truth at its core. Especially in this area.

My financial strategy down through the years has been a very regular and wise investment plan. I am not quite sure how I came up with this marvelous plan, but one day it just hit me. Ever since that time, I have been using my financial investment plan.

My investment plan only cost me $19.79 back in the year of our Lord 1986. Since that time, it has faithfully served me and I have no complaints. I have through the years thought about upgrading my investment plan, but then what would the purpose be?

Back in 1986, I saw in the men's department of the JCPenney store in our community a very nicely tailored navy blue and gold striped gentleman's vest. It immediately caught my attention and as I examined it, I noticed that inside this vest was a variety of pockets. I looked at them and that is when it hit me.

Down through the years I have often wondered why somebody else did not come up with this idea. I guess I am just a genius.

I bought the vest and brought it home and hung it in my closet after I first labeled each of the inside pockets. There was a pocket for dollar bills, one for five-dollar bills, one for ten-dollar bills and one that I do not use as often for $20 bills. Every time I have a little bit of change left over I go to my closet turned to my best and invest that money where nobody can find it.

My investment plan is more or less an in and out exchange program. When I have a need, I sometimes divest some money. Through the years, it has been a great blessing in my investment plan and is something that I am rather proud of.

Solomon put it in great perspective concerning wealth when he said, "Remove far from me vanity and lies: give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with food convenient for me: lest I be full, and deny thee, and say, Who is the LORD? or lest I be poor, and steal, and take the name of my God in vain" ( Proverbs 30:8-9 KJV ).

My investment plan is well buttoned up for future security.

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