Humor

---

Copyright © 2004 Josprel
[email protected]


© 2004 by Josprel
Verbal Josprel and the Word Angel


Verbal Josprel and the Word Angel
by
Josprel

Though the day started out bathed in bright sunshine, by the end of the morning service at the First Church of Tusar, Oklahoma, mysterious, roiling clouds greeted the more than one thousand departing worshipers. Three hours into the sermon, they had left the service en masse after having courteously waited for their pastor, the Reverend Doctor Verbal Josprel, to conclude. However, he never did.

Alone now, seeming oblivious to the empty pews, Verbal stood behind his enormous mahogany pulpit, gabbing away with preachy gestures. It had been more than four hours since the congregation departed. Still he gabbed and gabbed and gabbed and gabbed and gabbed, and gabbed and gabbed and gabbed, until even the pews seemed weary. How could Verbal know that this particular Sunday would be like no other day in his entire life of un-mitigating verbosity? How could he know that the Word Angel would call him to account for misusing his gift of gab?

As Verbal gabbed on, the building began to shake; but he paid no attention.

"Verbal Josprel!" a voice called out; Verbal seemed not to notice.

"Verbal Josprel!!" Still Verbal did not respond. Instead he stared straight ahead, continuing his gabfest.

"Verbal Josprel!! Stop your infernal verbosity, quit gabbing and let me get a word in edgewise!!"

That got Verbal's attention! Casting about, he attempted to locate the owner of the voice.

"Who are you? Where are you? More to the point, why are you interrupting my inspiring gabfest? Don't you know it's not polite to interrupt a person who is verbalizing?"

"Oh, stop the hogwash, Verbal! You're always verbalizing; that's why I'm here!"

"I hear you, but I can't see you."

"Well, doesn't that worry you, Verbal Josprel? Could be you've verbalized so much that you're now hearing voices speaking to you from nowhere."

"Did you say I verbalize too much, whoever you are? That's insulting. What kind of an American are you? Haven't you ever heard of free speech?"

"To answer your first question - yes, you verbalize too much, and that's the understatement of eternity! In reality, you're worse than an ear bender. You're an ear dropper. You verbalize people's ears right off their heads! You've heard of airplanes falling from the sky because of metal fatigue. Well, you cause people's ears to drop off because of hearing fatigue. After all, humans are created to handle only so many words a day. But you, Verbal Josprel, you consume the entire lifetime quota of those to whom you verbalize! They can't hear anything else after they hear you. The people in your congregation exhausted their quota of hearing words the first time they heard you.

"Oh, never mind, you're so dazed from verbalizing, that you probably can't think straight anyway - as if you ever could. I'll tell you who I am. I am the Word Angel and my name is 'Thesaurus.' I've been sent to earth to get you to shut up. That's as plain as I can say it. Just shut up!! Your verbalizations have reached to the highest heaven, and that's infinitely high. Believe me, Verbal Josprel; we've had more than enough of you up there!

"My commission is to attempt to gently get you to shut up. Failing that, I've been ordered to tie your tongue and sew your lips, until you learn not to disturb the angels with your unremitting gabfests. We've had it up to our halos with your verbalizations. As a matter of fact, we're so weary from lack of sleep caused by hearing you that we're losing feathers from our wings.

"You've heard that song: 'You got wings/I got wings/All God's children got wings/When I get to heaven/I'm gonna stretch my wings/And fly around heaven all day.'

"Well Verbal, because of your constant verbalizations, some of the angels haven't enough feathers left to fly around heaven all day. They're not accustomed to walking, so they have blisters on their feet. In addition, they're not happy any more, so the glow of their angelic halos has diminished. They're extremely putout with you and there's nothing worse for a human than the vengeance of a putout angel with blistered feet. Go ahead, Verbal, continue on with your unrelenting verbalizations. Go ahead; ignore my warning! Please, please ignore my warning. I'd like nothing better than to tie your tongue and sew your lips. I need sleep!

"Your verbalizing causes us wing aches. Our once elegant wings have lost their sheen, causing them to droop and we're going to do something about it!! I'm leaving for now, but don't think you're not off the hook, mortal."

Verbal Josprel was paid numerous successive visits by Thesaurus, who attempted to convince him to shut him - to no avail. Then Thesaurus actually attempted to tie Josprel's tongue and sew his lips. Though the Word Angel was invisible, Verbal felt the invisible needle applied to his lips. He screamed so loudly that the church workers came running. When they entered the pastor's study, the exhausted Thesaurus abandoned the task and hurriedly left for his celestial abode. Josprel, on the other hand, remained on Earth trying to explain to his staff why he uttered such a spine-chilling shriek.

He didn't find it easy.

***** *****
"Verbal Josprel. Wake up!"

Verbal stirred sleepily in his bed. Ever since Maria called him to account for his somnambular verbalizations he slept alone. Maria had moved into the spare bedroom. She realized she had taken Verbal Josprel for better or for worst. She also knew that, in all other respects, he was an almost ideal husband, but what good was a wife who fell asleep when she should be awake. Because of Verbal, she almost dozed off driving the car. While playing the organ in church, she constantly slumped over the keyboards and snored so loudly she drowned out the voices of the large adult choir. Once, as the congregation sang, "Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus," she fell asleep at the organ, slid off the bench to the floor and snored through the rest of the service. The congregation never let her live that one down. Plainly, something had to be done, so she moved into a separate bedroom. Verbal Josprel understood. After all he did love his wife.

"Verbal Josprel, wake up, now!"

Thinking Maria had called out to him, Verbal jackknifed into a sitting position. Peering into the darkness, he blurted, "Whaa . . . whaa . . . Maria, what's wrong? Is there an emergency?"

"Maria didn't call you, I did. And yes, I'd say there's an immediate emergency. My name is Elocution. I'm the assistant Word Angel. I'm here to inform you that your time has come, Verbal Josprel. I hope you're ready."

"Oh, no," Verbal Josprel groaned, flicking on the light, "Not those mysterious, disembodied voices again. I knew it - even though it's such a warm night, I shouldn't have left the window open. O.K., who's the practical joker? Are you going to force me to close the window on such a hot night, before you to go away and let me sleep? Stop kidding around; I have a busy day ahead of me."

"You certainly have, Verbal Josprel. As I said, your time has come. Are you ready for your judgment?"

"O.K, you joker, I'll play along with you just this once. After this, I'll call the police. Judgment, you said. The tribulation hasn't even begun, and you talk about the judgment? Don't you know your doctrine? Haven't you ever studied the books of Daniel and Revelation? You don't make a very good angel. Real angels know that they aren't supposed to appear on earth until after the rapture of the Church - if they're premillennialists, that is. You'll find a Bible here on the nightstand. Crawl in the window and check it, then please leave. I politely ask you to not slam the door when you go."

"I'm not outside your window and neither am I here to discuss theology with you, Verbal Josprel. I'm here to take you to stand trial for the unrelenting verbalizations you do. Judgment time has arrived, Verbal old kid, and I'm extremely glad about that! Close your eyes and I'll transport you there."

"Your kidding!"

"No."

'You mean your not some prankster playing a practical joke?"


"That's right. Now close your eyes for transportation. Have no fear. You won't feel a thing."

"Nope."

"Look, you're supposed to obey me. That's what the instruction book says. It says, and I quote, 'When any angel who is assigned to transport a mortal, instructs said mortal to close his or her eyes for transportation into another realm, said mortal must instantly comply with the transporting angel's instructions. Should the mortal not so comply, said mortal must be firmly bound and compulsorily transported to face judgment. Should a one Word Angel be unable to bind the alleged perpetrator, a call for reinforcements must be sent over the Celestial Communication Emergency Network. The alleged perpetrator then must also be charged with resisting transportation and also with refusing the lawful order of a transporting angel."

"Just try it! You won't have a feather left to fly with!"

"Oh, come on, Verbal, be sensible. I'm only doing my job."

"Well, do it somewhere else and let me get back to sleep. I have a big day ahead."

"Is that your final verbalization on the topic?"

"Not only on the topic, but with you. I can't even see you, so how can I believe you're really here. If someone's not playing a joke, then you could be a nightmare, you know."

"If I let you see me, will you agree to transportation?"

"I don't know. Could be. It depends on how you look. You claim that you're a transporting Word Angel, but how do I know that's true. I'm inclined to believe that Word Angels - transporting or not - don't exist. For all I know, you may be from the other party. You know the one I mean - Lucifer, the fallen angel. He took one third of heaven's angel with him when he rebelled. How do I know your not one of them? He sometime appears as an angel of light, doesn't he? How do I know that Word Angels aren't followers of Lucifer?"

"Now you're going to far, Verbal Josprel. I'll have you know that I'm a veteran of the Celestial Wars! I am a very high-ranking officer in General Michael's army and fought with him against Lucifer and his forces. Over the eons, I've fought in twenty-nine battle campaigns and I have the battle scars to prove it. I've been awarded the Celestial Medal of Honor, which is the highest medal awarded by General Michael's forces. I also hold the Medal of the Glorious Star and the Commendation Medal of The Three, to mention only a few. I wear twenty-nine battle stars on the ribbons of my uniform."

"Yeah, that what you say. O.K. Let me see you. Show me your scars and medals."

"Will you come with me quietly if I do?"

"I'm making no promises. I still don't believe in Word Angels. You're just a bad dream. By the way, where's that other guy, Thes . . . Thes . . . something or other."

"His name is "Thesaurus." He's my superior. He's worn out putting up with you. He's taking an extended celestial rest furlough because of you. You really did a job on him."

"That's nice. Maybe they'll give you one, too, so I refuse to go with you."

"That does it."

"Look, I'm just thinking of you. Don't you want furlough? I can't see you, but by the tone of your voice, I know that a rest leave would do you a universe of good."

"I'm calling for reinforcements!!"

With that, Elocution sent out an urgent dispatch for reinforcements.
***** *****

The next morning Verbal Josprel entered his den, locked the door and sulked.

"Word Angels, phooey! Transportation angels, phooey! There's no such things! If the angels do hear my verbalizations, they enjoy them. Can't sleep because of me. When did angels ever sleep? They don't sleep; they're always awake . . .

There was a pounding at the door and Maria wife called out, "Verbal! Verbal! Are you verbalizing out loud to yourself again? Stop that verbalizing and come out this instant. Eat your breakfast and don't you dare to verbalize a single word while we're eating. I've had enough heartburn from you're verbalizing at meals to last at least a hundred lifetimes. Your verbalizations drive the congregation out of the church and they're driving me out of my mind.

"You even verbalize in your sleep and keep me awake all night because I hear you in my bedroom. If I weren't a good, Christian wife, I'd get my own apartment. That way I wouldn't be disturbed by your somnambular verbalizations all night long. Oh dear Lord, how long must I endure this fiery trial?"

"Somnambular? What does Somnambular mean?"

"You're the preacher. You claim you're a wordsmith. You should know the meaning of somnambular. You do it often enough. Do what you tell me to do when you verbalize a word I don't understand - consult the dictionary.

"Oh, Verbal, you know I'm not unkind. I love you so very, very much, but I need my sleep in order to help you in the ministry. I'm drowse off during the services, especially when you gab and gab and gab and gab and gab. Something's got to give, Verbal. You just can't verbalize around earth all day."

What Maria didn't realize was that angels were listening to her with profound compassion. They knew how she felt and were discussing her plight.

"Verbal Josprel has a knack for destroying us angels with his gabfests. What must his poor wife - a mere mortal - suffer from his incessant verbalizing? That kind, courteous, spiritual, loving, honest, compassionate, charitable, generous, long-suffering, hard-working, marvelous, wonderful, woman has to live with him day in and day out," observed Elocution, the Assistant Word Angel.

As second in command to Thesaurus, he was assigned to the Verbal Josprel case ever since the Chief Word Angel and most of his assistant Word Angels fell into a nervous exhaustion brought on by their dealings with Verbal. They were invalided from active duty. Only Elocution and a few others were left to work the case.

"The Supreme Authority desires the Verbal Josprel problem solve with dispatch," Elocution was told by the Courier Angel who, in addition to his regular wings, sported smaller ones on both his ankles and his halo.

Elocution heaves a deep sigh before he answered, "It's a difficult task. This guy, Verbal, thinks he's God's gift to world. He thinks he's the quintessential verbalizing preacher. I once heard him claim that, if Spurgeon was the Prince of Preachers, he - Verbal Josprel - is the King of Preacher."

The Courier Angel appeared horrified. "Whaaat!! He thinks he's a better preacher than Spurgeon was? Nobody's a better preacher than the Prince of Preachers. I was assigned to England. The man had no peer then and he has none now, especially Verbal, the King of Opinionated Braggarts. The nerve of that guy! King of preachers, indeed! He's unable to articulate a verb or a noun correctly, let alone preach better than Spurgeon. I've heard him use the word 'tain't' instead of 'isn't.' He's even unable to use the word 'can't' correctly. I've heard him say 'cain't' instead of 'can't,' 'bidter,' when he meant 'bitter, 'yuall,' in place of 'you.' Spurgeon, indeed!!

"One Sunday morning, while he was verbalizing across his pulpit, he used the word 'prism,' when he meant 'prison.' He also confuses his syntaxes. The guy is a virtual babbling babbler."

The Courier Angel chuckled. "Did you say, 'Syntaxes?' Don't you mean 'sin taxes'? Verbal Josprel should be made to pay a celestial sin tax each time he opens his yapper. The way he uses the English language really is a sin. It's criminal."

Elocution stood, "Oh, well, thanks for the chat. It's time for me to get back to work. I've been ordered by the Supreme Majesty to teach that dunce-headed Verbal Josprel a strong lesson. If I fail, I'll loose my wings and halo for several eons. I won't be able to fly around heaven all day. So long - I've got to come up with a gimmick that'll keep Verbal from yapping so much. I'll chat with you later; at least I hope so. "

Continued

To read more stories and articles by Josprel log on to:

http://www.worthfinding.com/columns/perrello.html
FaithWriters.com
ChristianWriters.com
Authorzone.com
http://www.geocities.com/josprel

---

PLEASE ENCOURAGE AUTHOR BELOW LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE