Family

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With Mother’s Day this month and Father’s Day approaching in June, we begin thinking of parents and how we should honor them appropriately on their special days. One thing that I have noticed is that Hallmark and all these other greeting card manufacturers assume that everyone has a lovey-dovey, mushy relationship with their parents. Unfortunately, there are some who do not have that “white picket fence” experience. These special days create quite a dilemma when standing before hundreds of cards in the card store. You would think that the greeting card companies would wise up and create a dysfunctional card section.

The fifth commandment says “Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land of the Lord your God is giving you.” (Deuteronomy 5:16 NIV) It sounds pretty simple doesn’t it? It is God’s commandment that we should honor our parents. The difficulty comes when things are less than honorable. What about the issue of abuse?

When the Bible tells us to honor our parents, the word honor means to esteem, respect and acknowledge. In its original language, the word honor means to “weigh heavy”. We are supposed to tip the scales of favor in our lives to recognize our parents. True honor is a gift we give freely to another person but it isn’t something that is demanded or blackmailed. There is often confusion between honor and obedience. Obedience is living under the command of another person and being subordinate while honor is a gift freely given.

To look at this contrast of terminology in another way, you may have a supervisor at work. If you have a personality problem with that supervisor, you might not like them personally but you still must be obedient in order to keep your job. However, if you and the supervisor get along and mutually respect each other, you will have no problem honoring them.

There is often a debate as to how a child or an adult is supposed to respond to God’s command to honor their parents especially if they have been abusive. Once we have clearly separated the definition of honor and obedience, we see that honor does not mean giving in to unreasonable demands. Honor does not mean cooperating with a dysfunctional person in an unhealthy behavior nor does that mean we should excuse abusive behavior either.

How can you honor abusive parents? First, you must forgive them. That doesn’t mean you have to reconcile with them and live happily ever after. In some situations, reconciliation may be healthy but not in every case. True forgiveness is a healthy process of removing hurtful people from your life so that you can live a healthy life without being in bondage to them. Reconciliation can occur only when both parties to a relationship want it to happen.

Whether or not we feel that our parents “deserve” honor is not the point. Our command is to honor them regardless. This can be quite difficult when the relationship has strife. Somehow we have to get to the place where we can deflect the things that cause offense to us. If nothing else, we must try. Does that mean we will have a happy and harmonious relationship? No. There are times when we must confront issues or correct a misunderstanding; however, we have no license to be rude or obnoxious either. (James 1:19)

God expects us to honor our parents. He calls us to be the responsible ones through thoughtful acts of love toward those whom He says we must honor. You and I are not accountable for our parents’ response. They may refuse our love and honor. They may not forgive us for our mistakes. They may not even ask us to forgive them for how they have treated us. Our responsibility is simply to obey God, to trust Him, and let Him work in their hearts on our behalf.

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