Healing

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Everything’s fine. Really it is. It’s as though it never happened. Like a cough to clear your throat and then you forget about it. Well – it is a bit more than that. But not much. Very humiliating the doctor working on me like he did, but worth it! It’s over now and I can get on with my life just like before. It’s behind me. Just a piece of tissue that turned my life upside down for a bit. That’s what the doctor said – or did she say anything? I don’t remember. But I know I read it somewhere. It is just a piece of tissue. Just a piece of tissue with a beating heart. NO!! I mustn’t think like that. It’s over. Everything’s fine. I couldn’t have done it any other way. Besides it’s legal and its right and its sensible. That’s what everyone says.

I don’t like the shadows, though. I’ll try to stay out of the shadows. The ones in my mind.. The haunting ones. I’ll fill my mind with good thoughts, parties and Brian. He understands…… Or does he? I’m scared to go with him, though. I don’t want it to happen again. I couldn’t go through with it again. It was nothing, but I definitely couldn’t go through with it again. I think I’ll stay away from him for a while.

But what about the shadows? And the whispers? I don’t want to think about it. In a few weeks I won’t even remember it. The shadows will go. And life will be just the same as it was. Except for Brian -- I couldn’t go through that again. And the whispers. But if I keep telling myself that everything’s fine, I’m sure it will be. The whispers will go. They will stop asking me whether it really was just a piece of tissue – or what colour his eyes would have been, or what he would smell like as he cuddled up to me. They will go. Everything’s fine.

If everything is fine – but not really, don’t hide. There are people who care. Who will tell you that everything is not fine, but healing can come. They can help you put the shadows and the whispers to rest with admission and forgiveness and genuine mourning. That’s what it takes. Work through it with someone who will love you and care for you.

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