Fiction

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It was only a whisper, but I was listening.
“I love you.”
I pulled Jaz tight into my chest again as she lost consciousness.
I couldn’t think.
She loved me.
She physically said the words.
She trusted me.
She loved me and said it to me.
I looked at her face, so soft and beautiful. She was like no other woman I had ever met. She made me interested in her the moment I met her. She didn’t just swoon over me like the other women did. She had control. She was different. She had pride in herself. She had purpose. She had desire for something more in her life. She didn’t need me. She was bold. She was strong. She was a fighter. She was different. I looked at her as she lay in my chest. I wanted her there more than anything and her words meant something to me. Those words meant something to me for the first time.
In that instant, I knew something was different. I knew I liked her back. Now it all made sense. My hands turned to fire when she was around because I felt more than just lust. I felt something different. Something I’ve never felt before. My arms longed to hold her not just because I longed for favorable company, but because I wanted her to be in them.
I love you had significance. Many prostitutes had said that to me. I had heard it a million times, yet now as she said them, my heart wretched at the sound of her voice. I looked at Jaz. I looked at her and I knew. I knew that it was something more than just attraction. I had to know where she was at all times. I had to know if she was ok. I wanted to know what she thought about things. I wanted to know what she was thinking. I wanted her opinion. I wanted her to be safe. I started to think about her a lot more than anything or anyone else. I had never really cared about anyone that way before. I knew this was different from anything I had ever felt before. I didn’t know what it felt like to love someone. This was foreign to me. I didn’t know that it was love that made you feel what you feel when you see them smile and your heart melts inside. I didn’t know it was possible to feel wounded even if I wasn’t the one feeling bad. When I looked at her and she was hurt, I was hurt also. I know now it’s because of love. I had never felt what it felt like to be in love with someone and it actually matter. I thought about it before. I thought many times about it, but could never figure it out. Now, I knew it was never something to think about, but something that had to be felt. I knew now that I had fallen in love and I couldn’t stop it.
I picked her up in my arms trying to ignore the aching my chest for her. I tried to ignore the things that were so different to me, in fear of what I might do. Jaz snuggled into my chest and all I could do was tighten my hold on her. Putting my head in her hair, I could smell all that she was. There was so much life. There was so much joy. There was so much peace that I was overwhelmed as I held her. Is this what love felt like? I carried her to the bed and laid her down, putting her under the sheets and the covers. It felt like electricity was going through my whole body. I felt my hand reaching for her face, but I caught myself and stopped. This shouldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be happening. I couldn’t do this. My hand rebelled and I still touched her face. Her skin was smooth under my fingertips. I wondered why it mattered so much. Love was a strange thing. I pulled the hair out of her face and sat beside her on the bed. I kissed her softly on the forehead trying not to wake her up. My fingers rolled into fists as I tried to control myself. It shouldn’t be this hard. It shouldn’t take this much restraint. Why did this seem like a curse all of the sudden? It had to change. I couldn’t hold it in much longer. I didn’t think I could go on tomorrow living the same, without being able to hold her. I forced myself to get up and walk around to the other side of the bed. I put all of my affects on the floor and laid down. I faced the other way so that I wouldn’t have to look at her, so that I wouldn’t have to feel her, so that I wouldn’t have to try so hard.

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