Humor

---

Some things in life are so enjoyable you hope they linger forever. Other things, you hope disappear faster than they came, like relatives during the holidays. Why is it they come in faster than they go out?

Don't get me wrong. I love my relatives. But I love them more from a distance, which is why we have Facebook. On Facebook, you can get off whenever you want to. However, when the relative is sitting in your living room on your favorite easy chair there is no place for you to go.

I now understand why people get Botox injections for their face. I can only laugh so long at Uncle Ernest's jokes, which are no more jokes than dog biscuits go with afternoon tea. Keeping a smile on my map is hard work. I suppose everybody has an Uncle Ernest. His primary philosophy of life is simply, "I will tell no joke unless I can tell it a thousand times in a row." By the time he gets to 999, I have murder on my mind.

And the same thing goes for the weather. Why is it cold weather comes in so fast but is in no hurry to leave? I would not mind cold weather if it would just stop in, shake hands and then go on. But no, it has the crazy idea that I want him to linger around for as long as possible and shoot the breeze.

I know this may sound a little mean, but I cannot help it. I would like Mr. Cold Weather to get going a little faster than he came.

I know why the cold weather hangs around so much as it does. It does not take a genius to realize that Mr. Cold Weather has had his feelings hurt. When you know all of the facts, you can sympathize with him… but at a distance.

For the last few years the experts, whoever they may be, has been telling us some interesting things about the climate. They are insisting that the climate is getting warmer and warmer. What I would like to know is, where in the world is the climate getting warmer and warmer? Certainly not in my backyard.

It is interesting to me that every time the so-called experts get together for a conference on global warming they get snowed out. It is as if good old Mr. Cold Weather is making fun of them.

I like it very much when people predict certain things. A few years ago, a nationally known televangelist predicted, for reasons he outlined very particularly, that God was going to punish the entire state of Florida. Well it came as a shock to me when he explained how God was going to punish Florida. Hurricanes! Who in the world ever heard of hurricanes in Florida!

Ever since that particular televangelist predicted hurricanes, there have been no major hurricanes in Florida. All I can say is predict on Mr. Televangelist.

The same has been true concerning these predictions from the global warming gang. I suppose they have their own think tank to come up with some of these ideas of theirs. I do have a little problem with these people. The more they talk about global warming the colder I get. I'm not sure if this is a ploy on their part to try to confuse me, if it is, it has succeeded.

I had the opportunity to chat with one such person not long ago. I challenged him on his idea of global warming. "Look how cold it is," I said to him. "This doesn't feel like global warming to me."

He looked at me with one of those intellectual looks and said, "Don't you realize that all this cold weather is a direct result of global warming?"

How do people like this find their way out of their house in the morning?

How getting cold is a result of a warming phenomenon is beyond my pay grade. If it is cold outside, I get cold. If it is warm outside, I get warm. There has never been a time when I stepped outside in the freezing cold that I thought to myself, "Aha, I'm cold because it is so warm outside."

If the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage ever heard me say that, she would seek ways to correct my miscalculations.

I suppose when these global warming gurus go outside they always forget to put on their coat and hat. I think the cold weather has frozen their brain so much that they really cannot think like normal people. Normal people, when they feel cold are cold. And, when they feel warm, it is because they actually are warm.

The only thing I can figure out is there must be some school somewhere that is training these brain czars.

This is the reason I like the Bible. The Bible always says what it means and means exactly what it says.

"Go to now, ye that say, To day or to morrow we will go into such a city, and continue there a year, and buy and sell, and get gain: Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away" (James 4:13-14 KJV).

The Bible transcends my circumstances and ushers into my heart the peace that passes all understanding.

---

PLEASE ENCOURAGE AUTHOR BELOW LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE