Testimonies
I am a mother of 4 boys. Though I love my boys with my entire being, I can’t help but think that my life would be completely different, not necessarily better, but different, if I walked on the intended path. Our lives are made up of many different paths. There are many detours that we can take and some will land us in the same place, just a different way to get there. But, on the flip side, some paths do not intersect at all and will lead to a totally different place, whether it is better or not so much.
Life is full of choices. Choices that will affect your entire life and all that you will face. An acronym for CHOICES is, Carefully Having One Input, Christ’s Example. There are 3 main points that need to be considered when you are at a crossroads in life.
1. Every choice you make will have a positive or negative affect. It is pure and simple; if you jump into water you are going to get wet.
2. Every choice is up to you, there is no such thing, as “I didn’t have any other choice.” You ALWAYS have a choice.
3. How you make minor choices will affect how you make major choices. What triggers your choice? Is it peer pressure (we will talk about later on), is it because it makes you feel good, or is it because that is what God wants you to do.
My story is involved, but to understand where I am now, one must see where I came from. I am a child of divorce, 3 times over – 6 years old, 15 years old and 35 years old.
At 6 the divorce was between my parents, my biological father and mom. My mom remarried when I was 11. My step-father was my dad, in everyway. He really made us a family. At 15, divorce hit our family again. Due to sin and shame, my step-dad left us for about 2 years. I was devastated. I wanted so bad to be “normal”, but really had a hard time with accepting myself and seeing my value through God’s eyes. This time was the worst ever. I lived in the middle of this awful divorce and old enough to understand what was going on. My mom put me in the middle of the divorce and I resented her for doing that. My older sister had just started college and I was feeling abandoned, again. My teachers at my Christian High School helped me as much as I let them. I had lunch with my Phys. Ed teacher once a week. My basketball coach became a surrogate dad for a while. But I kept everyone at arm’s length – I was not going to be left again, I was not going to be let down, and I was not going to have someone take away my sense of security. I had many friends’ parents take me in and cook for me. I actually moved out my house for a few months, I slept at friends’ houses mostly, but when I wore out my welcome, I slept in parking lots. My mother was nursing her own wounds and never took the time to help me. I am not complaining; I am just saying I was left to my own devices for a long time at a young and impressionable age. When I was driving, I know that it was a shear miracle that I survived. I drove under the influence and never remembered how I got home. I know now that it was because of God’s angels.
This is when things got tough. I made some really bad choices and justified each one. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I did not care – I needed an outlet and to feel good, at least for a minute or two. I struggled with depression and I actually tried taking my own life a couple of times. I hated my life and would constantly utter the words, “life stinks, then you die”. I really could wait for that. I did as much as I could to self-destruct. Even going to a Christian school I did bad things. But I have to say, it could have been a lot worse – teachers that loved me and helped me as much as they could.
I started smoking at a young age, I just always liked it. I became a smoker for many years, and hid it well. Smoking was my outlet. It made me feel like I had control of what my choices were, and as long as nobody knew I was still in control. I did it because it was wrong – I was not going to be good, why should I? Smoking didn’t cut it anymore. I wanted to feel more “dangerous” and carefree. I started drinking with my friends at age 13. I always was the one who drank the most. I always had to be the life of the party. I out drank guys 2x my size. I tried new ways of drinking and always impressed my friends to my tolerance. I was the party animal, but all it got me was very sick and very hung over. Drinking was becoming more than just a social thing. I found that if I drank by myself, I could quiet the awful things in my head. I would finally get rid of this pain in my heart.
As things progressed and my freedom increased and I was able to come and go as I wanted, I had the opportunity to smoke pot, and I did. I started with just at parties, then on weekends, even without parties. Then it moved to be almost every day, just to numb the pain. My pain of being left by 2 fathers and my mom who had no time for me, ever, was just too intense. I needed to escape the pain, I needed to fill a void, I needed…um, well, God.
I didn’t date much at that time. The few guys I did date were of all different walks of life. Mostly they were guys that were not Christians, just the way I liked it – no judgment. Most of my friends were having sex, but I have to say, God protected my virginity. Because I was too busy partying, I didn’t really have the desire to “hook-up” – besides most of the guys were my “friends”. The few guys I did date always broke up with me. More rejection – it was becoming my life’s theme.
This whole time my mother had me in counseling with a wonderful Christian man, Dr. Vincent Taber. He recently went home to be with the Lord, and I can’t wait to see him again and tell him what an impact he had on my life – later on. I hated going, I was an angry girl, but knew the right things to say to make me sound like the happy kid I was supposed to be. Dr Taber saw through it, but my mom had no idea. I remember one night I came home as high as a kite, I was stumbling up the stairs – stinking of smoke and booze – my mom called me into her room. I sat down next to her and she asked if I was okay, and all I said with slurred speech was, “I am just really tired”. What I wanted to say was, “help me, I am killing myself. Mom, look at me, I am messed up.” She said goodnight and I went to bed and cried myself to sleep, something I did very often.
When I was 17 my step-dad came back and we reconciled our family. I was happy to have him back and I was starting to let go of my anger. The hurt was still there, but it was being mended. I stopped the drugs and the alcohol. Even though life was getting better, I still needed to maintain as much control of my own life, so I smoked to show myself my control. The reality was that it was controlling me – but I didn’t know that then.
I started dating a nice Christian boy and the smoking had stopped almost completely. I really wanted to be more Godly, because it was expected of me and really nothing else worked. For the end of my junior year and my senior year, I was on the right path. I did mostly everything “right”. Maybe because most of my party friends went to college – I always hung out with older people. When my boyfriend and I went to separate colleges we ended up breaking up. It devastated me – once again I was rejected. I turned to my old friends, nicotine, alcohol, and drugs. I truly hated being me, what was it about me that repulsed everyone? Why did guys hate me? Why did they want someone else? With my old-new habits, life in college got harder and harder. I was less focused and more under the influence. After 3 semesters at a Christian college I flunked out, with a GPA of a 1.9. I had to move back home and I commuted to a local state university and continued partying with some high school friends.
I was fixed up with a guy who was very sexy and good looking. Against my better judgment, I went out with him – I had to, he changed my tire for me. We had fun. I felt safe with him. I was 20 years old when I met my husband – though I didn’t know it then. We dated for almost a month before we slept together. It was my first time. I was very emotional about it. (I thank God that I can honestly say that my husband was the first man I slept with, but I had no idea that I would marry him at the time– God protected me beyond what I could see.) Living this life of partying and dating a guy my parents did not approve of led to a disruption in my living arrangements. I moved out because I could not live by mother’s rules – nice of her to show up then, where was she 4 years ago? I moved in with my boyfriend and his parents. We lived together in every sense of the word, his mother was very lax and she didn’t care what we did. We eventually got our own place together.
Let’s jump ahead a bunch of years. We finally got married and I got pregnant with my first child. It was then that the Lord got a hold of me and shook me up. I was forced to stay sober for the health of my baby, and God used my sobriety to make me face the person I had become. I remember the day like it was yesterday, I asked God to forgive me and I started to make better choices. I was still angry and smoked after the baby was born. I drank and chose to get drunk several times. I did not smoke pot ever again, and that was thanks to a ridiculous sitcom where the mom got stoned and could not her son that needed her – I was my own fear. After the birth of my second son, I was again started smoking again, I just really liked it, but the desire was changing. I finally asked God to rid me of my strongholds, and He did. I finally learned what true submission was. But life with an unsaved husband was now starting to become and issue, and still is. Oh how I wish I knew then what I know now – my choices would have been so different. My kids will be affected for their whole life and all because I thought it would make me happy. Little did I know what it would feel like when I had to take my kids to church by myself – there is nothing worse than walking across a parking lot with four little boys in tow, by myself and I see dads carrying their kids in to Sunday school and moms getting dropped off near the door. Well I guess there are things that are worse, but gee, I hate to be jealous in God’s house. I didn’t know that I would feel so alone trying to raise my kids to know who God is, as they are seeing their dad who does not share my beliefs. I had no idea how hard it was going to be to teach my kids how to be loving and filled with the grace of God, while all they see is an angry man who hates everyone and is not quiet about it. It is very difficult to teach my kids to not swear and take the Lord’s name in vain when their dad swears as a matter of conversation.
In 2006, after attending a Women of Faith conference I was feeling so encouraged
God you know my heart. I don’t want to leave my marriage, but I know I can not live this way and raise my children in a house that is not allowed to serve You and not allowed to pray at dinner time*. I want to be a strong Christian family that sing praises and pray together. I want to be able to reprimand my children in God’s name. I want to be able to have verses up on my walls as encouragement. I want the Holy Spirit to fill my house and surround us. I want my boys to hear their dad say “Amen” instead of a curse word. I want my husband to be encouraging in my faith and not persecutive. I want my life to have meaning, more than laundry, dinner and carpooling, I want to serve God, not hide it or tuck it away. I want to work on my Bible Study in bed at night, or at the kitchen table, not quickly and rush through it, in case my husband comes home. I want to be able to leave my Bible out on my bedside table, not have to put it out of the way. I want to have my husband sitting next to me and hold my hand in church. I want to dedicate my boys to Christ and have a party to celebrate them and our commitment to Christ. I want to lift my children up in prayer with my husband and have them know that God is our central focus. I want to be able to see him without a beer in his hand, just one day*! My boys think it is a way of life, not something social. I want to be able to say to them when you feel tense or out of control to pray and I want that modeled. I want someone to talk to and cry to and to have a connection with that is God-centered. I want to have a man love me for being me and for wanting to serve the Lord, not discourage me and hinder me. I want him appreciate the fact that I love God so much and push me to do more, not try to get me to do less. I do love my husband, but I think it is now out of obligation than anything. Yes I need him, but I don’t NEED him. I need his pay check, his hands to help me do the extra work and extra care for the kids. I want to NEED him for all the encouragement and the challenging that a man should give to his wife. I really want him saved, because I really want him in Heaven with me. Lord I lift this all up to you. Please listen to my cries and give me the strength that only you can give. Please make me strong in you and help me to let you fill those voids. Please Lord, show me what it is you need me to do to be a witness and yet release me of my pain and sorrow. Please Lord, I know you have an answer and I waiting to hear it. You know what my future has for me, please Lord, give me a glimpse and let me know that you will take care of my children and me. Please Lord, I don’t want to be away from you any more, I need to be with you. I need your arms around me to hold me up and let me melt into your strength. I just can’t even hold my body up anymore. I need you to be my support, my strength, my nourishment. I wish I had a DVD player that You can skip to the next scenes and show me if this hope is all in vain, or if it will it be worth all the tears. Please God show me a fraction of my future so I know what it is you want me to do. AMEN
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Engrossing. Compelling. Touching. The pain, the joy, anger, frustration and the choices, and lastly the statement "I wish I knew then what I know now" hits you hard, stays with for long. God Bless. And thank you very much for sharing this with us.
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