Humor

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Last night I asked a friend to pray for me for deliverance from my ex-husband. He laughed. Funny, huh? Kinda sorta. I guess.

I have been writing him letters and emails. We have, after all, been at this for 32 years, which is about 32 times as long as we were married 32 years ago.

What is wrong with me? I don't know. I'm glad God does. I can see what's wrong with him, I just can't see what's wrong with me. Sound familiar?

I love the expression, "Wherever you go, there you are." You can't get away from yourself. There you always are in the mirror, in bed with yourself, looking at yourself while you splash toothpaste on the bathroom mirror. Other than growing older, never changing. Still the same old you.

So, why do I write letters today that I don't intend to send, letters I do send, letters to share on Facebook with the world, letters to write in the sky, letters to crumple up and set a match to?

I do these things because my ex is getting married again. The love of my life, the one I told God I had to have (if it was His will, of course), the only one I could ever imagine myself "with." And then I got to thinking, "Is that all we had?"

Maybe that's it. A cute mug, a fab voice, a way of making me feel special and beautiful and unique. Who wouldn't want that? One thing that was lacking: any financial contribution. Hmmm. How important is that? Another thing that was lacking: communication. Hmmm. The "C" word. Yeah.

In the financial arena, very important, if the non-contibuting partner is the husband, according to our Christian culture. Communication very important in a marriage (for men, too, even if they supposedly aren't as "relational" as women).

Is love blind? Should love be blind?

I'm telling you all this because I know that somewhere in making public the private reaches of my heart someone out there will offer an objective, realistic, pithy or wise response that will suddenly resound in my inner being. Or at least maybe somebody will shake me and something will crack this thing.

Is it love or is it confusion? That is the question. I honestly don't know. I think at this point I will chalk it up to confusion.

Before you email me, let me say that I have prayed to cut the soul ties, I have admitted my life is unmanageable, I have prayed the serenity prayer, I have given it to God.

Tell me, what else can I do but die to my ex? Pray for me, please.

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