Humor

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ZOMBIE CENSUS
©2010 David Ian

ZOMBIE 1
ZOMBIE 2
ZOMBIE 3
ZOMBIE 4
FARMER

(ZOMBIES 1,2,3 & 4 shamble up to farmstead house. ZOMBIE 1 steps up to door.)


ZOMBIE 1: (knocks on door) Census! (knocks again) Hello, census! Come out please, we just want to count the household.

ZOMBIE 2: And eat your brains!

ZOMBIE 3&4: Braaaaaaains!

ZOMBIE 1: (whispered) Shhhh! No! Quiet.

FARMER: (from behind door) What’s this?

ZOMBIE 1: Census sir!

FARMER: What’s this about brain eating?

ZOMBIE 3&4: Braaaaaaains!

ZOMBIE 1: Shhhh! No, sir! Nothing like that. We’re with the census -- we just wanna get a head count. (grimaces)

ZOMBIE 2: Brain count!

ZOMBIE 3&4: Braaaaaaains!

ZOMBIE 1: Shhhhhhhh!

FARMER: How do I know you’re with the census?

ZOMBIE 1: We’ve got a badge… come out and see it—

FARMER: I don’ like the government.

ZOMBIE 1: Oh, we’re not with the government, sir. We’re with the …non-government census.

ZOMBIE 2: Who eat your brains!

ZOMBIE 3&4: Braaaaaaains!

ZOMBIE 1: Shhhh! No. Ha ha! We’re with the non-government, non-brain eating census.

FARMER: Well, there’ just me and my brother Ev and Aunt Mae, and little Billy Joe, but he’s just young and tender.

ZOMBIE 2: (excited) Dibs!

ZOMBIE 3&4: Braaaaaaains!

ZOMBIE 1: Shhhhhh! Oh. Well, can we come in and check, sir? We need to verify for our records.

ZOMBIE 2: And eat your brains!

ZOMBIE 3&4: Braaaaaaains!

ZOMBIE 1: Shhhhhhhh!

FARMER: How do I know you’re not that gaggle of zombies came by here last week?

ZOMBIE 1: Zombies? Us? Ha ha! No sir. We’re with the census, sir. The non-zombie, non-government, non-brain eating census.

ZOMBIE 2: Bring out little Billy Joe!

ZOMBIE 1: Shhhhhhh!

ZOMBIE 2: Tender!

ZOMBIE 1: Quiet

FARMER: You sound like that gaggle of zombies, tried to pass yerselves off as Jehovah’s Witnesses last week.

ZOMBIE 1: No, sir! We’re the non-Jehovah’s Witness, non-zombie—

FARMER: An’ tried to say you were vacuum salesmen the week before—

ZOMBIE 1: Oh, no sir! We don’t have any vacuums—

ZOMBIE 2: To suck your brains out with!

ZOMBIE 1: (whispered) Quiet! (aloud) Ha ha!

FARMERS: Things ain’t never been the same since that Apocalyps-ee thing last spring—

ZOMBIE 1: Apocalypse. Yeah, been rough—

ZOMBIE 2: Hungry!

FARMER: Ain’t safe to go out no more. Why, out at the Campbell place they gots two dozen people all holed up there an’ all scart to go anywheres.

ZOMBIE 1: Uh, where was this place, again?

FARMER: Just over the ridge up north at the Campbells.

(ZOMBIES 3 & 4 start shambling off toward Campbell place.)

ZOMBIES 3&4: Braaaaaains!

ZOMBIE 1: Uh, I don’t think we’ve eaten-- counted --them, yet.

ZOMBIE 2: Dibs! (ZOMBIE 2 shambles off)

ZOMBIE 1: We’re gonna go, check…

FARMER: (opens door) Hey! Aren’t ya gonna come in and count us?

ZOMBIE 1: Maybe later

ZOMBIE 2: (calls from off) If we’re still hungry!

ZOMBIE 1: Just remember, we’re the non-zombie, non-government, uh, uh, yeah…

(ZOMBIE 1 Shambles off)

FARMER: Shucks …I hate census!

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