Testimonies

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SANITY RESTORED
By Robin Veronesi

“At the end of that time, I, Nebuchadnezzar, raised my eyes toward heaven,
and my sanity was restored.
Then I praised the Most High;
I honored and glorified him who lives forever.”

Daniel 4:34 (New International Version)

I was flying high on the wings of my own thoughts, which travelled at light speed. Desperate to fill the emptiness inside, I pursued my passions, unleashed unchecked anger, felt on top of the world one day and unable to cope the next.
“We can definitely give you something to slow your racing thoughts.”
Those words, spoken by psychiatrist, brought me to tears. He understood. He could help.
But help came with a label - bipolar disorder. That was eight years ago. I was 35.
It’s been a wild and bumpy ride, especially after the birth of my second child at age 30. Mistaking some of my symptoms for PMDD, my OB/GYN prescribed an antidepressant. How could he know that an antidepressant, taken without a leveling drug like lithium, launches the bipolar mind into a manic orbit? I took off like a rocket and only a crash landing brought me back to earth – and my senses.
As I emerged from the rubble, shaken and scared of my own behavior, I drew this Bible verse from a basket at a weekend women’s retreat:
“Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my savior and my God.”

Psalm 42:5(New International Version)

The keynote speaker at the retreat spoke directly to my heart. Soon, we would speak one-on-one, when I went to her for counseling. She was the first to use the word bipolar to describe my erratic behavior. The licensed psychologist I’d seen for over a year never mentioned it.
“I did this so you would trust not in human wisdom but in the power of God.” 1 Corinthians 2:5
I’ll never forget the night my husband was reading the newspaper at the dinner table. Since we’re the type of people who typically move the paper from the driveway to the recycle bin without even opening it, this alone was unusual. What caught my eye, however, was the headline of a story he wasn’t even reading: Volunteers Needed for a Bipolar Study. There was that word again…bipolar. I called the hospital the next day.
Fortunately, I was too highly functional to participate in the in-patient study, but the Chief of Psychiatry didn’t send me away without hope. After saying the magic words I quoted above, he referred me to a local psychiatrist who confirmed the diagnosis and prescribed the drugs that would regulate my brain chemistry and restore my life.
“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10 (New Revised Standard Version Catholic Edition)

I’m grateful that I was convicted of my sin and sought reconciliation with God, my husband and others before I was diagnosed bipolar. As my Christian counselor told me, the label explained my behavior, but it didn’t excuse it. Because of God’s timing, my husband forgave me and stuck by me before we knew of my mental illness; therefore, I don’t doubt his love or think he stayed with me out of pity.
When I occasionally wonder if I’m bipolar at all (as the bipolar mind is want to do), I need only remember how my healing unfolded. I see God’s hand clearly in every step along the way. This thorn in my side has also shed light on my father’s battle with depression and helped me to forgive past hurts caused by his long-term denial and self-medicating.
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds so that you may discern what is the will of God.” Romans 12:2 (New Revised Standard Version Catholic Edition)

Since calling out to the Lord for help, He’s rebuilt my marriage on solid ground; enabled me to stay home as a full-time mother and blessed me with signs that my dream of writing can glorify Him. None of this would be possible if I remained undiagnosed and stubbornly followed my own will.

It’s not easy to admit I’m mentally ill. Stigma’s a powerful force, but God’s love is more powerful.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 (New International Version)

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