Short Dramas and Plays

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Wharf Rat Envy
By Glenn A. Hascall

THEME: Envy

CATEGORY: L/Lighthearted

SYNOPSIS: What would happen if the crew of the Enterprise were placed in a new setting - something like a bowling alley? This humorous out-of-setting experience teaches a lesson in envy. This script has strong possibilities for a puppet team.

CAST:
Speaking parts
CAPTAIN KURT - Overacted.
SCOTT - A smart and smart aleck side kick (Think Leonard Nimoy) WHARF RAT - An alien life form that is a professional when it comes to bowling.
ORULA: Communications specialist with the Whataprize.

Non-speaking parts
Two actors for WHARF RAT'S team and one for CAPTAIN KURT'S

PROPS: As simple or elaborate as you would like. Possible props include a bowling ball and bag, appropriate costumes, a cell phone, a napkin, elf ears and a pencil.

SETTING: A bowling alley. The success of this drama will be depend heavily on timing and delivery.

(Star Trek type theme music to start)



CAPTAIN KURT: (Initially off-stage) Our base...is a vinyl frontier. Rows and rows of stick-to-your-skin booths in the tradition of primitive 1950's ice cream parlors. Our mission is to boldly bowl where few have bowled before. We called our team the Split/strike Whataprize and had completed many successful games at bowling alleys throughout our universe. I am Wayne P. Kurt, team captain.

Arcade supplemental 2.1. First team player Scott has captured the trophy in yet another futile attempt by opponents to vanquish the What-a-prize. Some want to make a federal case out of it.

Even though Scott's ears are rather funny looking, he still has the best mind in bowling.

SCOTT: (CAPTAIN KURT, SCOTT and additional crewman walk on stage together) It's only logical Captain. Hitting the lead pin on either the left or the right will typically result in a much better showing. Should your bowling ball make a direct hit, the chances greatly increase for a phenomenon typically referred to as a split. Generally a 7/10. Although other variations are statistically possible.

CAPTAIN KURT: Fascinating. (Looks back at the audience). We had just landed in a bowling alley east of town when we encountered the Static Cling-on their home turf. We knew immediately we were facing a formidable foe when Wharf Rat and his gang of bowling hoodlums entered the field of battle.

WHARF RAT: (Walks in with teammates polishing a custom bowling ball) I'm surprised you would show your face around here, Kurt.

CAPTAIN KURT: (Looks longingly at the bowling ball and then walks forward and looks out at the audience) Having never owned my own bowling ball before, I found myself immediately subjected to a nefarious case of "Wharf Rat Envy". And we hadn't even started bowling yet.

WHARF RAT: (Looks around and walks up to Kurt) Who are you talking to?

CAPTAIN KURT: (Ignore WHARF) Nice bowling ball.

WARF RAT: Uh, thanks.

CAPTAIN KURT: (Overact) So - are - we - going - to - play - or - what?

WHARF RAT: Sure, sure. Don't overact on us here.

SCOTT: (Hold up a small instrument and whistles in a vain attempt at sound effects)

WHARF RAT: (Walks over to Scott and watches him whistle while looking at the instrument.) How do you do that?

SCOTT: (Ignores Wharf) Sensors indicate an unusual build up of envy in this quadrant.

CAPTAIN KURT: (Overact) Can you be sure, Scott? Can - any - of - us - be - sure?

WHARF RAT: (Looks at the instrument Scott is holding and asks) Could you check that thing for overacting?

SCOTT: (Walks up and looks out at the audience) It suddenly occurred to me that the Captain of our bowling league had unjustly been subjected to too many reruns of a popular television space exploration series, circa 1965.

CAPTAIN KURT: What are you saying, Scott.

SCOTT: I believe I was clear on that point, Captain.

CAPTAIN KURT: You might have been but I didn't understand a word you said.

WHARF RAT: By the way, who were you talking to?

SCOTT: (Ignores WHARF RAT) I believe it's your turn Captain.

CAPTAIN KURT: (Reaches for a ball and picks up WHARF RAT'S) You know, Wharf Rat, you do not stand a chance against the Whataprize. If you insist on continuing with this little game of yours, you will loose. Do you hear me?

WHARF RAT: (Looks around at the other players on his team) Yea, I think we heard you. Didn't you hear him? (Another team member shakes his head yes) He heard you too.

CAPTAIN KURT: (Somewhat embarrassed as he picks up a bowling ball) All right, here goes.

WHARF RAT: Excuse me Kurt, but you got my bowling ball.

CAPTAIN: (Acts surprised) Do - I? (Pause) So - I - Do! Nice polish job.

WHARF RAT: (Suspicious) Yea, how about you put that thing down and back slowly away.

CAPTAIN KURT: (Angry) What? Do you think I'm going to STEAL it or something?

WHARF RAT: (Walks up and looks at the audience) I was beginning to think that Kurt was up to no good. He had the reputation of putting up a fair fight, but I was going to keep a close eye on my polished Brunswick. If you know what I mean.

(CAPTAIN KURT picks up WHARF'S ball and places it in a bowling bag)

SCOTT: Who are you in conversation with Wharf?

WHARF RAT: I don't have any idea, but I figure if you could do it, so could I.

SCOTT: Fascinating.

CAPTAIN KURT: If we're going to make the 9:30 at the Palm Frond Bowling Lawn, we've got to kick this game into warp speed, factor 9.

WHARF RAT: Nice delivery.

CAPTAIN KURT: Thank you. (Looks at his watch) Say would you look at the time, Scott, we've - got - to - go. (Starts to walk off stage quickly with WHARF RAT'S bowling ball).

WHARF RAT: Not so fast, Captain Kurt.

CAPTAIN KURT: What is it now, Wharf Rat?

WHARF RAT: I'll give you the opportunity to give me back my bowling ball or I'll have to bring you up before the bowling federation.

CAPTAIN KURT: (Overacting) You - wouldn't - dare!!!

WHARF RAT: Try me.

SCOTT: I couldn't help overhearing this somewhat inopportune fracas.

WHARF RAT: With them ears, it doesn't surprise me.

CAPTAIN KURT: I'm still trying to figure out what he's saying.

WHARF RAT: Rough translation - He heard we had troubles.

CAPTAIN KURT: (Looks at SCOTT) Why can't YOU talk like that.

SCOTT: (Breaks character) Don't look at me, I didn't write these lines. Would you just give him back the ball?

CAPTAIN KURT: (Hesitates) Oh, all right, it's just that I'm tired of using whatever chipped balls we happen to find in these low rent bowling alleys.

WHARF RAT: (Sips on a glass of water and throws it on Captain Kurt unintentionally as he responds to the Captains statement) Hey, have you ever thought about goin' on a budget?

CAPTAIN KURT: (Wipes the water) Clean me up, Scott.

SCOTT: Here, let me get a napkin.

CAPTAIN KURT: (Looks out at the crowd and speaks into a pen) Arcade supplemental 2.2 - the infamous Wharf Rat turned out to have a pretty good head on his shoulders after all.

WHARF RAT: Was there any doubt?

CAPTAIN KURT: (Still speaking to the audience) As it turns out, envy is a worse enemy that Wharf Rat ever was. I am ashamed that I fell victim to its nefarious power.

WHARF RAT: Is that an apology?

CAPTAIN KURT: I'll have to get back to you on that.

SCOTT: (Walks up to the Captain) Are you finished with that pencil, I need to calculate our final tally.

WHARF RAT: What are you talking about, we didn't even get to play.

SCOTT: (Breaks character) In that case, can I buy you a Cherry Root Beer with a twist of pickle juice?

WHARF RAT: Ugh. That's disgusting. (Smiles) Kind'a reminds me of home. (Then to his friends) I don't know whether you guys heard or not, but I got a disease named after me.

SCOTT: Facinating.

(Everyone but CAPTAIN KURT walk off stage).

CAPTAIN KURT: (Takes out a flip open cell phone and opens it up, hold it up to his mouth - not in the same way as if where talking on the phone) Whataprize?

ORULA: (Off stage) Yes Captain.

CAPTAIN KURT: The bowling party apparently suffered a case of Wharf Rat Envy.

ORULA: Is every one all right.

CAPTAIN KURT: We're fine, Orula. Could you please check the database for any evidence of an anti-biotic? By the way, I'm having a hard time hearing you.

ORULA: It might help, Captain, if you put the phone up to your ear.

CAPTAIN KURT: (Puts phone to ear) Yes, I guess this is better.

ORULA: Sir, the computer shows that there was a warning issued long before today's bowling tournament.

CAPTAIN KURT: Was there a problem with the transmission?

ORULA: No. However, the warning was issued nearly two millennia ago.

CAPTAIN KURT: Is that a long time?

ORULA: Uh (pause) yea!

CAPTAIN KURT: Go on.

ORULA: This is the warning in its entirety, sir, from the Galatians quadrant, sector 5.26, "Let us not become boastful challenging one another, envying one another."

CAPTAIN KURT: (Overacting) How - could - I - have - missed - it? What's the remedy Orula?

ORULA: The same quadrant contains a preventative measure at 5.16.

CAPTAIN KURT: Yes, yes.

ORULA: "Walk by the spirit and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh."

CAPTAIN KURT: (Walks forward and looks out at the audience) Suddenly I knew what I had to do. I had to find Wharf Rat and ask for his forgiveness.

ORULA: Excuse me Captain, but who ARE you talking to?

CAPTAIN KURT: (Disgusted) Never mind. Captain Kurt, out. (Close phone and walks off stage in the same direction as WHARF RAT).


Fade to black


Copyright 2002 by Glenn A. Hascall If you use this script would you be so kind as to let us know? [email protected]

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