Grief

---

THERE ARE DAYS

There are days I wonder why You didn’t let me die back then. Today is one of those days. I gave You the perfect opportunity. I took the pills. No one could have blamed You. The writing was on the walls. I had taken a path toward destruction and it was just a matter of time. I had decided it was time. You hadn’t.

I sit here and stare as I sometimes do, at what I don’t know. I guess I’m just in deep thought, about what I don’t know. You obviously have a plan for me and either I keep missing it or You are waiting for me to get with the program. I just don’t get it for some reason.

I keep thinking that things are coming together and that spiritually, emotionally, financially and everything else is where You want it to be. That I’m where You want me to be. Then, someone says something to me or I don’t get a return phone call or I get some mail I didn’t want to get or didn’t get some mail I wanted to get. Then, I fall apart.

It’s like air coming out of a balloon. I begin to sulk. My mind immediately jumps to “I wish I had died” and “I’m worthless.” I know logically, on most days, I am worthy because God made me so, not because I earned it. I also know that God has me here for some purpose. But on these days, I don’t want to be here. I feel worthless.

It’s dark and dreary in this soul tonight. My heart aches with pain. My eyes are leaking with tears. It’s hard work to breathe because I guess I just don’t want to bad enough but my body craves the oxygen so it does.

It’s these days I think of the people who have died that wanted to live, needed to live. Those who have families of their own who would love to have them alive. Why couldn’t I have taken their place in death so that they could have life? What do I have to do that is so important? It seems like all I’ve done is make a mess of things and I keep making it worse.

Can I clean up this mess? Can God clean up this mess? I know with God all things are possible, but does He erase consequences? I know, I know. Shut up Jerry. Enough of this pity party of one please.

God has done amazing things in my life, miraculous things. Why should I doubt Him now? I don’t. I just have these times as some of you do I suppose. Times when you wonder why on earth are you here. If you don’t, maybe it’s time you should. Not in a demanding way like I’ve been doing here, but hopefully seeking God’s purposes for you. Oh, I’m not giving up on seeking to serve God. It’s just that there are days…

---

PLEASE ENCOURAGE AUTHOR BELOW LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE