Marriage

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Good, now that I have your attention, let me first and foremost point out that I asked my wife Emily if she was ok with me titling this article what I did and she said yes. So, now that that is out of the way, let’s get to it.

I was having a conversation with a young lady at work yesterday, and, although I have heard it a million times (obviously probably not literally a million), she said something that, unlike all the other times that I have heard it, got me thinking very seriously about the subject. I don’t remember exactly what we were talking about, although I think that we were discussing the (very shameful) fact that one of my cousins was Penthouse Pet of the year last year, and has also been a Playboy playmate. I don’t remember the conversation really, I assure you though that it was tasteful (as tasteful as could be) and short. At one point I mentioned that, yes, my cousin is very attractive (you would have to be blind not to see that). Following my comment, the young lady made this comment to me, “But your wife is the most attractive person in the world right?” I was going to respond as I would have at any other point up until this very moment in the conversation, but something in me (God most likely) stopped me from doing so. She then repeated her statement a little more forcefully, as if to imply that my answer should obviously be, “Absolutely.” Now I do not honestly remember the rest of our conversation. I do however want to talk for a few minutes about what I have been pondering as a result of this amazingly common inference.

I turned 27 years old last month on March 25, and ever since I can remember I have been hearing this “assertion” from married people. It seems that it is, or at least it is widely accepted that it ought to be, automatically, upon saying one’s marriage vows, instantly, and dare I say till death do you part, “reality” that your spouse “is” the most attractive person in the world to you from that moment on, and if you say anything different, well, then you are simply being unfaithful in thought and speech.

I have always accepted this inference as completely accurate, until last night. I myself am divorced as a result of being cheated on (although I honestly don’t think that looks had anything to do with it), and remarried. It will be clear momentarily why I mentioned my divorce in the previous sentence. I must strongly assert though that, after some serious thought about this very topic, I no longer feel the same way as I have up until last night.

Everyone, or at least most people, knows at this point in time that the divorce rate in America is higher than it has ever been by far. May I propose the following thoughts to you: If more people would stop lying to themselves and everyone else about how “attractive” there spouse is, then many more people would probably still be married.

Please allow me to elaborate. What I am saying is this. Let’s be honest, there are over seven billion people on this planet, so the odds that your spouse is indeed the most attractive person in the world, well, simply put, is almost impossible. I will take it a step further, even if you spouse just happens to be the most attractive person in the world, I can pretty much guarantee that you have not met all seven plus billion people in the world, and therefore cannot truly and honestly assert that your spouse is indeed the most attractive person in the world and that you are one hundred percent certain of that. But I digress. My purpose for writing this article is not to simply say that we should not lie about our spouse’s level of attractiveness (whether it be physical, personality, or whatever).

I believe, in my most humble opinion, that we need to start being honest about this very topic for the following reason. Let us take a look at the single life first. When you are single, at least for most of the people that I have known in life, dates are strongly influenced by the other person’s level of attractiveness. If girl/guy number one is more attractive than girl/guy number two, most people are without a doubt going to go with girl/guy number one. And, while you are dating girl/guy number one, girl/guy number three comes along and is even more attractive than girl/guy number one, so you naturally drop girl/guy number one for girl/guy number three, and so on and so forth. Now do not misunderstand me please. I am not saying that this train of thought is right, or that it even should be acceptable, because clearly it leaves no room for the other person’s feelings. I am simply stating the norm as has been my experience with the people that I have known.

So, you go through say one, two, five, ten, twenty, thirty, however many years you go on being single and thinking like this, until you finally meet “the one” and get hitched. Now, again in my most humble opinion, it would be absolutely absurd to think that you can just all of a sudden, in a single instant, change your world view in terms of relationships simply because you got married. It does not matter how many times you tell someone, “My spouse is the most attractive person in the world to me.” That is never going to ultimately change your mindset about relationships. Deep down, even if only subconsciously, you will always, at least on some level, think of relationships at least partially in this manner, at least if you are like every person that I have ever met (including myself).

So what is a person to do? May I propose another “thought” on the subject? The problem with marriages in this country that fail because of infidelity is not with the fact that to many people are finding someone else that is simply more attractive than their current spouse, but rather that the very basis of the marriage is founded on the level of attractiveness of the spouse in question. What ever happened to good old fashion commitment? That is the problem. The average married person in America is so caught up in “who is more attractive” that marriage has basically become some kind of sick game.

Marriage is a serious thing people. It is a decision that is made before both men and God and should be taken very, very seriously. It is definitely NOT a game. We are talking about TWO people’s feelings, thoughts, lives, emotional and mental health and security, and everything else that life entails. If you are not going to keep the commitment that you make then DON”T GET MARRIED. You do not, or at least you should not, have the option of “trading up” or “trading in” or “going for someone younger” or “finding someone more attractive.”

My point is this, if we go on through life tying everything about our marriage to attraction, then we are bound to be disappointed at some point, whether it be one year in or fifty. Now I am not saying that you do not need to make every effort to make your spouse feel like the most special, needed, wanted, and attractive person in the whole world, because you most certainly DO need to do just that. What I am saying is that let’s start facing reality head on, and stop lying to ourselves and everyone else. Let’s stop wishing that we had chosen girl/guy number two, or three, or four, or whatever number it may be, and start investing some REAL quality time, passion, love, compassion, commitment, and everything else that is needed into the marriage that we already have and have already made a life long commitment to.

There is almost always going to be someone out there at some point that you will think has a better personality, or a better body, or a better mind, or a better whatever, than your spouse. That is ok, it is part of reality. We can only control to a certain degree the thoughts and feelings that come into our minds. What we can, and MUST always control is what we do with those thoughts and feelings. Treat them like they need to be treated. Throw them out and get rid of them and never come back to them ever again every single time they come around (the thoughts and feelings of course, not your spouse). You were in love, at least I hope you were in love, when you got married. That love is what you need to think about and hold onto and cherish with all that you have always and forever.

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