Humor

---

THE DAILY GRIND

Headline~ Dating: Last Day To Talk For Free

(By David Ian, special to the Associated Press)

“After tomorrow, no more casual conversation. We’ll all be on the clock,” so says House of Representatives leader Thomas Grosser. “The new tax law has passed the vote and it will be enacted at midnight tomorrow. I’ve know I’ve got my scan card, but I’m looking into getting a chip soon.”

As will millions of people across the country. The Federal Government, in an attempt to find new avenues of generating tax income, has determined that it is going to enact a fee or tariff on talking and light conversation during a date, that has commonly earned its name on the debate floor as the so-called “Talk Tax”. Bars, restaurants, coffee houses and other public places where couples meet to begin the informal and formal stages of courtship or even casual acquaintance will be required to “Swipe-in” on a card scanner and for the time they converse, they will be taxed by the Federal Government.

“It’s based on time, so the meter is running whether or not either party speak, sort of like a taxi or long-distance call,” Rep Rob Marchant-D co-sponsor of the bill now voted into law by both houses. “It’s a nominal amount, really, and that’s the key,” says Rep. Bill Taylor-D the other co-sponsor of the bill. “The fines, though, for skipping the Swipe-in or avoiding the billing process are pretty substantial, so it’s definitely in your best interest not to try to test the enforcement techniques used for the law.”

Exactly what those enforcement techniques to be used to ensure all date-talk is getting the proper tax, neither representative would comment, nor would anyone on the Drafting Committee for the bill or anyone on the Hill for that matter. “It’s a Combined Multi-Media Tracking System,” says Rep Erin Berger-R “that documents irrefutably if a couple is attempting to avoid Swipe-in, or payment, and that’s about all I can say about the system. The CMMTS is very effective, it’s very cutting edge technology and very, very good at what it does.”

Many are already looking into getting a micro-ship injected under the skin rather deal with awkward swipe cards. Dr. Ricky Twinhaufel Phd. of the Verbal Institute of Pittsburgh describes the procedure, “It’s a simple injection of a small micro chip under the skin which can be scanned by the CMMTS processors very efficiently. Currently, here at VIP is the only place where a chip is available.”

Dating services across the country are already filing lawsuits against the tax ordinance, claiming that it unfairly targets their demographic. “It puts undo tax burden upon the actively dating population of our country,” says Doug McCann, head of MatchUp, a social acquaintance service which relies heavily upon Meet & Greet sessions to match clients. “And our business sector is going to take a huge turndown in business by this “Talk Tax” discouraging clients. They are already paying to get matched with someone, who wants to pay more just to say hello. Just to say hello!”

“It’s no ‘undo tax burden’ upon the dating demographic any more than a tax on booze puts a burden upon the actively drinking population of our country,” counters Margie McGowan, Counsel for the Defense for legal action against the ordinance. “All taxes by definition have an inherent prejudice included with them which make it appear to unfairly target a demographic of people. If you don’t want to pay the tax, don’t date.”

“I think it’s about time,” says Stephanie Schoch, president of the Association of Dateless People of America. “We’re finally getting a payoff after years of not participating in date prattle. The leader of the ADPA went on to say, “Let the people pay for their insincere chatter of, ‘My interests are the outdoors, fun activities, looking ahead to the future and getting high on life”. It’s meaningless inane banter and now there’s a tax on it and I think it’s great.”

The ADPA is having a Meet & Greet this Friday evening to celebrate the enactment of the tax. It is not clear at press time if this social gathering will qualify and require participants to “Swipe-in”.

---

PLEASE ENCOURAGE AUTHOR BELOW LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE