Grief

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Is Yesterdays Pain, Today's Gain?

As I rode my bicycle down the bumping bike path with my grandson Noah, I thought about our lives. Living with out my son Jason who is now in heaven.
Jason died on December 13th 2009, two days before his 30th birthday.
I thought about me loosing a son, Noah loosing a dad. I thought about "the what if's?" If Jason was still alive would I be out here in the wilderness with my grandson on this particular day? "What if I had a choice about his death?" What if God gave me a choice to say "not now, I still need him here on earth?
Would Noah have been introduced to the people in his life now and then later?
What about my family, friends and relationships that I have lost and gained over these last months?
I asked myself the question what if I had a choice? What if God asked me to choose between my son living and a choice of him dying to bring a new beginning. If God were to take my son in return for a closer relationship with my family and friends, would I accept the sacrifice?
If God could change my ways, by allowing to take my son?
I of course answered "No". Nothing in this world could replace a son.
But I did loose my son..
Through the pain, hurt and confusion, I have come to realized that God could replace my son with hope, joy and new relationships.
As I rode my bike down this bumping path with my grandson, we rode through the bushes, ditches, over bridges, and crossed streams.
My legs became tired and weary and I continued with my thoughts. I thought about my close friends Martha and Dee who have recently lost there dad. They too were in the mist of finding closure as they were flying this same week to California to lay there dad to rest.
I have come to Pennsylvania to be with Autumn, my daughter-in-law and two grandkids, Noah 7 years old and Rain now 11. I have come not to lay my son to rest but to rest knowing he was in heaven with God, and that there is a gain after this pain.
Spending a day with Autumn, going to the Amish farmers markets, waterfalls, state parks, and revisiting places she enjoyed being with Jason.
Autumn opened up her heart and share her pain, sorrow and joys, she has experienced over the last months loosing her husband Jason.
Looking back at my recent trip to visit my friend Dee in Wichita Kansas, thinking about how she had shared her pain in the loss of three of her family members in the last five years.
From there I drove Martha to the airport, she held her dad's ashes with her life and kids weighing heavily on her mind.
Later I also boarded an airplane heading to Pennsylvania to visit my daughter-in-law and grandkids.
Feeling my own pain, not wanting to revisit my son's house, and being afraid of what fears and grieve might await me there.
After arriving to Pennsylvania and spending time with the family, I soon realized how selfish I have been. Autumn loosing her husband, the kids loosing there dad.
I have come to realize that the pain is not only mine, but all who are around me.
I then had to turned my focus back on the gain.
I have gained a deeper relationship with my other son and daughter, with my friends, family and more importantly my trust and relationship with God.
Thinking about Jesus' mother Mary, how she must have felt that day. The day Jesus died on the cross. Watching her son being crucified for our sins.
What if she had a choice to say "No God, not now, I still need him here on earth with me."
Did she know the outcome of what his death might mean at that time? Was she prepare to see him dying on a cross next to other sinners? What if God asked her if she wanted another choice? To have a chance to say no to Gods calling, and to spare her grief and son.
As we look for God's will in our lives, and look at our time here on earth, we all must ponder in the "What if's.
What if God gave us all of our wishes and let us have more choices?

"What if?

Is yesterdays pain, today's gain?


By Laurie Spencer

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